Post # 1
I have no where to say this because Facebook isn’t the right platform. I’m supposed to be happy. Instead, I’ve been depressed.
This past summer was all stress, all the time. Where should I start? My mom continues to pick on my weight, despite making an effort to lose it. My period went MIA for 2 1/2 months, causing me to think I may have a cyst. Whenever I ask advice from a close married friend on Facebook, I get criticized by members of my family, especially my mom. I was taking care of FI’s 85-year old great-aunt all summer and she doesn’t appreciate it. It’s only a week but Grad School is taking a lot out of me. There’s Pre-Cana drama. Recently, whenever I look in the mirror, I hate my face because of Bells Palsy. I’m so scared of my upcoming engagement session, I’m thinking of postponing it or canceling altogether. None of my bridesmaids offered any help. In fact, my best friend (who won’t be attending the wedding because of her job) was the only one who offered help. Last night, my mom said my wedding will be looked as “tacky” because FI and I are being careful about our wedding budget.
I’m very close to saying “screw this”, I want to throw in the towel. I shouldn’t be feeling like this. FI’s a great strength throughout all of this. I can take a break from wedding planning for a week or month. However, the problems will return.
Post # 3
Oh no, I’m so sorry your mom isn’t more supportive. I had a very budget-conscious wedding and it was not tacky. I think it might be a good idea to take a break from wedding planning, but honestly it sounds more like you need a break from all the negative people in your life!
Next time she starts to harp on you, calmly tell her that you prefer to be surrounded by positive energy and people who lift your spirirts, not dampen them. If she can’t be that, then you should tell her to leave you be until she feels like she can come around.
Chin up pretty lady- do some yoga and have a nice relaxing bubble bath 🙂
Post # 4
@DaneLady: Is it odd that FMIL and FGMIL have been more supportive than my own mom? FMIL offer to help with so many things, I don’t know how to really thank her. Sometimes, I feel that my mom is jealous of FMIL.
Post # 5
@BeeRod527: Ugh. My mom is the same way with me. She is always picking on my sister and I about our weight. My sister has lost a significant amount of weight, and looks so amazing her BM gown, and my mom doesn’t give her any credit. Its very frustrating.
THis is how I deal…I ignore it. I think to myself that this day is about my FI and me making a lifetime committment to eachother. Having other people there to witness that is just a bonus. This day is going to be about you and your FI, don’t forget that. And when your mom says things like your wedding will be tacky bc your conscious of your budget, tell her this “im sorry, but last time I checked, FI and I are paying for the wedding, so until you want to contribute, I will keep on with my “tacky” wedding.” (I am not saying your wedding will be tacky, I was being sarcastic towards your mom, thats really rude of her to say.
Smile, be happy, your getting married!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and your in grad school, go you!
Post # 6
@BeeRod527: My mom is intimidated by my MIL. Take the support where you can get it girl! My own mom was marginally helpful during the wedding planning process, and that trend has continued now that I have a baby. It isn’t that she doesn’t love me or is unsupportive, but MIL is just so much more invovled and supportive. I know what ya mean. It does suck, but it is what it is. Hang in there 🙂
Post # 7
@BeeRod527: no, its not odd. my FMIL surprised me with a bridal shower. She is paying for our rehearsal dinner and limo and even got favors for the rehearsal dinner. SHe is super involved and is so excited.
My mom is excited but she only started to get excited after she saw that FMIL was super involved and she saw that I was hurt that she wasn’t more involved. I shoulnd’t have had to tell her to be more involved. I would have thought that since my dad passed away when I was so young, she would have been more excited and invovled, and she wasn’t and thats what hurt. But my mom is emotionally detatched from the world except when it comes to her feelings. Like for example, when I bought my wedding dress, I was crying when it hit me that this is my dress, and I was upset because I said I wish my dad was here. SHe didn’t do anything to console me, all she said was “I hope you can keep it together the day of the wedding” My best friend, aunt and the sales lady consoled me. Its little things like that that frustrate me about my mom.
Post # 8
@BeeRod527: Would you consider eloping? Then you could go somewhere the two of you want to go and you could make it intimate, special, and all about you. If people are going to be rude and unsupportive, then they don’t need to come.
When it rains, it pours. I’m sorry so much is going on right now 🙁
Post # 9
I think you need to stop discussing your wedding with your mom if she’s going to act like that. Don’t even let her know, just stop talking to her about it. If she can’t say anything nice, why even give her the opportunity?
Also, is she your friend on facebook? Unfriend her, she doesn’t need to know so much about your business. Or start PM’ing people when you want advice on Facebook, and certainly don’t let others know who and why you are asking advice of.
I am going to reccomend the book “A Practical Wedding” to you, and also to go through the website (of the same name). It really helped me in the beginning stress-phase of planning. For example: http://apracticalwedding.com/2013/08/wanting-to-be-liked/
And finally I am going to reccomend going to a very good counselor to talk about yourself a bit. You’re going through a lot right now!
Facebook, WeddingBee, your mom, your fiance aren’t really people or places that can truely help you – the only person is yourself.
It’s daunting, but not impossible, and I think you could really brighten your life with a good shot of self-esteem and personal confidence.
Post # 10
@BeeRod527: I am so sorry that you’re having a rough time.
Have you pursued treatment for Bell’s Palsy – botox and physical therapy? I know of an amazing center in Boston that has helped many people with Bell’s. http://www.facialnervecenter.org/
Post # 11
Sounds like you need to tell your mom that she can either be a positive in your life or you’ll slam the door on her face. Now it is possible that she’s become deffensive because you’re becomeing closer with your future in-laws but that doesn’t make it right. Maybe you should talk to her and see if that’s it and if it’ll actually change. Here’s the thing about change you have to actually want it. You have to trust that she’ll change instead of always be waiting for her mess up. If your just going to constantly resent her then cut her out. If you gve her a second chance and nothings change, in my opinion, there’s no reason to stay.
Cutting family members out isn’t normally easy but it can be worth it. It’s not for everyone but personally I have no issue with it. Personally I don’t know where I would be if I hadn’t cut off my parents. The worst part for me wasn’t leaving them it’s how all of my relatives still refuse to accept it even though it’s been years.
Post # 12
@BeeRod527: I think I would be tempted to elope with all that family stress. Your mom sounds toxic. Do your best to avoid her and stop filling her in on wedding stuff. She can’t criticize what she doesn’t know about. As far as asking for advice from your married friend, can you do that over the phone or in person or via private message so that family members don’t see it?
Post # 13
I would also elope if you are too stressed out by it all. My own mom is only being super supportive (and only financially) because FMIL and FFIL have generously given us *so* much toward our wedding and my mom doesn’t want to be looked at negatively so she’s taking on a bunch to prove that she can do just as much. It’s stupid.
I have also heard that my wedding was going to be “tacky” and “cheap” because I’m extremely budget conscious. I was so pissed off one night I sat down and emailed the person who said that (my pseudo grandmother) a literal breakdown of the entire budget and asked her to contribute to my fund if she was so damn concerned. She apologized and hasn’t said anything to me since.
I am sorry you are going through so much *hug* It is so stressful sometimes. I don’t know if your date by your name is correct, but if it is, you have a year, honey. You can totally take a break for a while. I did everything big (venue, caterer, flowers, officiant, photographer, dress, tuxes) in January and then chilled the hell out until probably just a month or two ago. I did small things here and there like get the favors. I literally *just* finished half of my centerpieces on Saturday, lol. And I designed my own invitations in Photoshop like 3 weeks ago. They are being printed this week and mailed next week. 😛 I have been a totally lazy bride.
Trust me, if that date by your name is right, you have time. Chill out and take it day by day, and set yourself a goal. In this month I will do X. This month Y. And then you’ll realize you don’t have that much to do and you can just relax and wait around for a while and focus on other things. 🙂
*hugs* GOOD LUCK!! <3
Post # 14
@BeeRod527: It’s very good that you can lean on your FI. Taking a break for however long you need to take a break from planning is great. You have a year. I second @icanhearyousmile: for the idea to maybe get a few time-sensitive things done if you’re in an area whre things book up fast and then take a looooong break– like maybe just venue and photographers (in my area those can book up a year in advance)
About your mom– it’s so natural to want approval from your mom. It’s very good that you can see that this is just one person’s opinion and even though she’s your mom, she’s probably wrong! Kudos to you for trying to make responsible choices.
Post # 15
There’s so many people to reply to so I’ll go one-by-one:
You sound like my FMIL. After another heated conversation with my mom, I told FI I’m throwing in the towel. So he called FMIL to stop by the house to check up on me. She told me it’s normal, however I’m very hypersensitve because of my PMS. Once again, she offered her help and invited me over to go through centerpiece and favor ideas.
As for my mom, at this point I really don’t want to talk to her or anyone from my family. I’m also ready to fire my FSIL (my brother’s fiancee) from being my bridesmaid for not coming to me to ask if I needed help instead of talking to my mom. She has my number and can always call me.
I’ve really considered eloping. I wanted a smaller wedding anyway. But FI’s got a big family and wanted everyone to be there. We did reach a compromise to stay within 100 but that didn’t last long.
Thanks for the link. 🙂 I didn’t unfriend my mom, but I blocked her. OTOH, I did unfriend my aunt, who tends to start trouble by telling everyone my business. Plus, if there’s one person who will think it’s not fancy enough like of those from “Four Weddings”, it’s her.
I’m planning to get some acupuncture done on Friday. It happened 3 years ago. While I can move my right side, I can’t smile or control my right eye. FI said he loves my crooked smile but I look weird in pictures when taken from the right side.
I don’t think I could shut my entire family out.
Yeah that’s my real date. In fact, I told FI that I’m taking a break from planning until the end of the semester (with the exception of our e-session and Pre-Cana). At that point, I’ll be sending out the STDs and can make more payments to vendors.
Post # 16
Hello fellow northeasterner!
I think things have been rough here in PA. I have had a few bad weeks myself. You are not alone. Sounds like you found a great man to share the rest of your life with. Since you are in grad school that means you are smart too. You have a lot of pluses to give thanks for.
Oh and btw. My wedding is 3 wks away. I pushed for the wedding. Now I wish we went away. Too late now. – Maybe that insight will help.