Post # 1
DH and I had another fight tonight over something small yet again … it’s the way he spoke to me and acted that really got me annoyed and then he gets all defensive and rude to deal with it! He ignore what the realIissue is (his attitude and rudeness when we are fighting) and will always turn it around to be my fault that he acted that way. It’s just so frustrating that he can’t man up and deal with his temper and take responsibility for hurtful things that come out of his mouth toward me. Worst thing is that we have decided to start TTC at the end of the year but I’m scared that he’s not going to be a good role model with the wayhe aacts during a petty fight.
Just venting bees, but thanks xx
Post # 2
littleG: FI used to be like this – he would get SO defensive anytime I brought up any issue, no matter how small. And he would never, ever apologize first. It drove me crazy, and it resulted in a few nasty arguments.
I think the turning point for both of us was having a rational, calm discussion about how we argue outside of the context of an actual argument. We just sat down one day, when we weren’t upset with each other at all, and discussed with each other how we fight and why we fight that way. A lot of what I saw in him he didn’t even realize and vice versa. He also realized how much of his negative arguing habits came from his father – and that REALLY made him want to change.
Have a heart-to-heart with your husband when neither of you are upset and discuss this. If that doesn’t work, counseling is probably perfect for this. Good luck!
Post # 3
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
I agree with a PP that having a calm discussion to lay the ground rules for handling conflicts, establishing what behaviors and words are/are not acceptable, may help you avoid this situation in the future. If that doesn’t work, a few sessions with a marriage counselor may help both of you identify the troublesome behaviors/tones/phrases in a safe way and develop strategies to re-set those communication patterns that lead to negative outcomes (him feeling like he has to be on defense and you feeling annoyed/upset). It’s so easy to be trapped in negative communication patterns, and sometimes a pro’s assistance is the most expedient way to break out of them.
Post # 4
Hi annb9, we do end up talking calmly about it a few hours after and even the next day and he admits he acted rude and I admit that I may have pushed it too far and we apologise and all is sweet again … until another silly argument arises … adding to that the fact that he’s had a tough day at work and is tired, and so the argument begins again …
So frustrating. It feels like he can’t help himself even though he knows that he’s going about it the wrong way.
Post # 5
Yup, I know how that goes. Not to generalize all men but after talking with many females in my life over the years it seems like some men are not able to accept responsibility in fights. My FI BARELY will say “I’m sorry”, its like pulling teeth to get a sincere apology out of him. Also, men have this amazing talent of turning around fights and making it seem like the womans fault. How do they do this?! Ugh.
I agree with annb9, have a talk when neither of you are upset about anything. My FI and I have done this, discussed HOW we fight and things that we can do to have productive disagreements and lines that should not be crossed. For example, I do not tolerate name calling! Not that that makes any of our fights fun or pleasent but gives us a better understanding of each other when they do happen. Hopefully if you present your concerns to your husband you guys can come to at least a mutual understanding. All the best.
Post # 6
What you’re going through sucks – men can be so mean and rude when they’re angry! I do a combo – where when things begin to escalate and FI is being a big fat jerk, I say to him “This feels terrible. I don’t want to be yelled at and I don’t deserve this sh*t. I’ll talk to you when you can be kind and loving” and then I’ll walk away and leave the room — even before he’s done talking. This makes him really angry, but since fights take two people and I’m not there to participate anymore, it keeps things from getting really ugly.
The other thing that also works (but not as well as the first) is I mirror his behavior and words. If he gets really rude and condenscending, I dish it right back — exactly the way he talked to me. Sometimes men just do NOT understand when you keep saying things like “the way you talked to me was really rude and it hurt my feelings” — this is too abstract and general. So when I treat FI exactly the way he treats me, he gets a better understanding of how it feels to be at the receiving end.
Hang in there! It really sucks when things like this happen, but you married your man for a reason so focus on the positives and why you chose him to be your DH.
Post # 7
lovekiss: fallparkbride: Shina: annb9: thanks so much bees for your kind advice, it is just sooo frusterating and i HATE when we argue like that – it’s not tht often but still, it shouldn’t get to the point where I am in tears and inconsolable and having negative thoughts about him.
we spoke about it the next day when he was much calmer (which also annoys me because that means i need to stew on it and feel like rubbish until he’s ready) … but anyway, he spoke to me about it and we spoke it through and came up with some aggreements and arrangements.
Lets see if the next time we enter an argument we actually use these! Easier said than done.
Well, for now all is good, time will tell.