feeling down :(

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
2117 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

littleG:  FI used to be like this – he would get SO defensive anytime I brought up any issue, no matter how small. And he would never, ever apologize first. It drove me crazy, and it resulted in a few nasty arguments.

I think the turning point for both of us was having a rational, calm discussion about how we argue outside of the context of an actual argument. We just sat down one day, when we weren’t upset with each other at all, and discussed with each other how we fight and why we fight that way. A lot of what I saw in him he didn’t even realize and vice versa. He also realized how much of his negative arguing habits came from his father – and that REALLY made him want to change.

Have a heart-to-heart with your husband when neither of you are upset and discuss this. If that doesn’t work, counseling is probably perfect for this. Good luck!

Post # 3
7281 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

I agree with a PP that having a calm discussion to lay the ground rules for handling conflicts, establishing what behaviors and words are/are not acceptable, may help you avoid this situation in the future. If that doesn’t work, a few sessions with a marriage counselor may help both of you identify the troublesome behaviors/tones/phrases in a safe way and develop strategies to re-set those communication patterns that lead to negative outcomes (him feeling like he has to be on defense and you feeling annoyed/upset).  It’s so easy to be trapped in negative communication patterns, and sometimes a pro’s assistance is the most expedient way to break out of them.

Post # 5
116 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Yup, I know how that goes.  Not to generalize all men but after talking with many females in my life over the years it seems like some men are not able to accept responsibility in fights.  My FI BARELY will say “I’m sorry”, its like pulling teeth to get a sincere apology out of him.  Also, men have this amazing talent of turning around fights and making it seem like the womans fault.  How do they do this?! Ugh. 

I agree with annb9, have a talk when neither of you are upset about anything.  My FI and I have done this, discussed HOW we fight and things that we can do to have productive disagreements and lines that should not be crossed.  For example, I do not tolerate name calling!  Not that that makes any of our fights fun or pleasent but gives us a better understanding of each other when they do happen.  Hopefully if you present your concerns to your husband you guys can come to at least a mutual understanding.  All the best.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by  fallparkbride.
Post # 6
1321 posts
Bumble bee

What you’re going through sucks – men can be so mean and rude when they’re angry!  I do a combo – where when things begin to escalate and FI is being a big fat jerk, I say to him “This feels terrible. I don’t want to be yelled at and I don’t deserve this sh*t.  I’ll talk to you when you can be kind and loving”  and then I’ll walk away and leave the room — even before he’s done talking.  This makes him really angry, but since fights take two people and I’m not there to participate anymore, it keeps things from getting really ugly.

The other thing that also works (but not as well as the first) is I mirror his behavior and words.  If he gets really rude and condenscending, I dish it right back — exactly the way he talked to me. Sometimes men just do NOT understand when you keep saying things like “the way you talked to me was really rude and it hurt my feelings” — this is too abstract and general.  So when I treat FI exactly the way he treats me, he gets a better understanding of how it feels to be at the receiving end. 

Hang in there!  It really sucks when things like this happen, but you married your man for a reason so focus on the positives and why you chose him to be your DH.

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