Post # 1
Hi ladies, I’m feeling a bit lost and bummed out about something and would really appreciate some advice. I have been with my bf for six years now and we have talked about marriage a lot. I know that to him it’s not as important as buying a house and settling in, but it is important to me. Nonetheless, after much going back and forth he has finally bought a diamond and is in the process of having my engagement ring made. I won’t know when it will be ready as he still wants to have some element of a surprise. Everyone around me is getting married and I found myself starting to plan the wedding even though I dont have a ring yet. I’ve received a lot of criticism for it and have been made to feel like a desperate loser. I am already sad about the fact that it’s not some perfect surprise where I knew nothing of it and the bf actually thought of marriage himself. Everyone keeps saying that I should wait for the ring and stop my planning. My dilemma is this, I can get over the criticism but I am really not sure when to have the wedding. We want to buy a house next year and I would like to have the wedding next year too. I’m scared that if we purchase the house we will have a gazillion things to pay for after and will not be able to save enough for a wedding. So I was thinking to perhaps have the wedding in June and then start looking for a home so that way whatever we have saved we will hopefully get back through envelopes from the wedding. Am I being silly? should I just accept the fact that we can’t afford a wedding and settle on just buying the home and being commonlaw? I’m 31 and I just don’t want to wait another 2-3 years to have a kid ( I really don’t want to have a kid first and then have a wedding). I really appreciate any and all advice!
Post # 2
Do you have any preference as to whether to buy the house first, or marry first? I have known couples who but a home and put off marriage for several years due to home expenses, but this is just anecdotal. Personally, I would not buy a home before marriage – it just seems more straightforward that way.
I know in many regions, there are legal protections in place when you purchase a home together as a married couple rather than an unmarried couple (anyone, please feel free to correct me on this!). This may be worth considering.
Post # 3
We bought a home in May and plan on getting married next Fall. Depending on how big you want your wedding to be and how much you plan on initially pouring into a home will determine how much you can afford.
For example, we went into buying a house without a down-payment (VA loan), but we spent about $10k on initial costs (fence, paint, new furniture to fill the house, decorations). We actually still plan on refinishing the wood floors in the spring. We plan on have about a $5k wedding budget (looking to be more like $6k as I’m looking at the expenses, not including rings or honeymoon). Both of us plan on having a couple thousand saved (at least) by next year. To be honest, I’m pretty young, but I’m super stoked about have a small domestic destination wedding! I always thought big weddings were just too much. Plus, I’d rather just spend it with the people I have regular contact with (close family and friends).
You can make it all work if you plan everything on a fairly tight budget.
And remember! You will have a never-ending list for home renovations/decorations… so some of those things CAN be put off a couple years if needed!
Post # 4
Oh, and don’t worry about planning while waiting! I’m doing the same thing, and my future FI is totally in on it. If you know it’s coming, I don’t see the problem with looking up all the possibilities (neither do a lot of us on the Bee 😉 )!
Post # 5
We bought a house a few months before we got married and we had to do some paperwork and pay to have the house deed be my new name and have us as married. Monsoon87 is correct in that there are legal protections if you’re married on the deed: if someone sues one homeowner for injuries from a car accident (for example), they could take the whole house if not married. If you’re married and one spouse gets sued, the house cannot be taken.
At any rate, I would start looking into budget weddings. I’ve seen some really amazing budget weddings in articles online so there’s tons of advice! And if this helps you feel any better, I had actually started booking meetings with potential venues before my now-husband proposed! In fact, we had one booked for the day after we got engaged and I had no idea when I booked it at the time. I’m sure my husband had to work really hard to not bust out laughing at me when I told him about the date of the meeting.
Post # 6
Pinksterooni: we bought a house almost a year a go. We will be marrried next Oct. I would lie to you if I didnt say that our saving for the wedding has suffered. Both of us were adjusting to living in a house and paying bills and also fixing the house up, or rather making it ours. we have redone two rooms. Only two and both have been almost 1,000. We just didnt have the things we needed such as rugs and other things…like a TV stand, kitchen table etc. . Then when you think something is fine it breaks or needs fixing. We just foudn out our dishwasher is leaking when he was in the basement the other day.
In my opinion it will be hard for you to pay for both if you are doing both on your own. If you are getting family to help you out with th ewedding then that is different. We have no help, so thats our problem. One can only save so much.
I really wouldnt worry about everyone else getting married. Focus on you and your relationship. Don’t get married because you think you ahve to or you need to wear a pretty dress.
Post # 7
Pinksterooni: How big of a wedding do you want? If having children is a priority, there is nothing wrong with a small wedding or planned elopement. I also don’t see why wedding planning right now is a big deal. If you have both decided you want to get married, then you are already engaged. You don’t need a ring to start planning.
Post # 8
I cant help you much when it comes to advice about house buying but I was in the same boat as you in terms of wedding planning. Once my family and his knew about our relationship they sort of ran with the whole thing and started planning for a wedding even before my bf had proposed. So I found myself planning a wedding even though he hadnt proposed because he was still waiting to get a ring. was initially really sad about the fact that there wouldnt be a surprise factor and I am sure many people thought it was weird that I was planning a wedding without being engaged but you know what? The ring eventually did come and he did propose and even though I knew it was eventually coming, there still was the surprise factor of how he was going to do it. To be honest it was kind of nice knowing that you could sit back and relax and plan while knowing that a ring was coming and this way your guy will have less pressure and he’ll be able to do it the way he wants to. I’m also glad I kept on planning because once he proposed I was glad I had some of the planning done. It made things easier. There is honestly no conventional way to do things, and just because things are done a certain way for some doesnt mean its the only way to do things. To be honest, I like going to unconventional route, its less boring 😉 so try not to dwell on what other people say, enjoy this moment because you hopefully will only get to experience it once in your life <3
Post # 9
We bought a house first and are getting married a year from today. 🙂 The house was our priority due to it being cheaper than the rent we were paying. All the wedding fund $$ I got from my parents went into the house. A WEDDING is just one day. A MARRIAGE is a lifetime (in my opinion). In this case I think you need to sit down and figure out what is important to you. If having a large wedding which is essentially a party is more important then starting a foundation for a future family than go for the wedding. If it is a marriage you want, go to the court house or do a small budget wedding and focus on starting an investment with a house that will fit your needs.
Post # 10
It’s ok to plan as in collect ideas and know what you want, how you want it— but do not spend any money on anything until you are officially engaged and know your budget!
Post # 11
I’d have a budget/small/possibly elopement wedding. It is possible to have a wedding that is much cheaper than buying a house… I would love to have a house. We are not ready for that yet, though. If you wait until after, you may be more strapped for cash if there are unexpected repairs, so you should get married first if you can, good luck!