Feeling Guilty

posted 7 months ago in Emotional
Post # 2
116 posts
Blushing bee

It is a lot of money so no wonder you are thinking about it. If you can well afford it great. Are you a home owner already? Sorry to ask. If there are other important things like, possible future kids university fees etc. if you an afford all that with this wedding too then I think you should go for it. If that is the average price in area then at least you have done your research and anything cheaper is not nice. If you wanted to save, could you do a free bar for an hour and then leave it for others to pay and then have a free cocktail hour. Just thinking of other ways to cut costs if you felt that would be okay. I think you will have a great time. If your partner agrees too then don’t stress. It will be a brillant day!

Post # 3
609 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Good question on the house ownership PP.  

That amount is the down payment on a house, a new car, a college fund for your children.  If you are willing to give that up for your special evening at that venue then go for it.

Post # 4
369 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

I completely understand how you feel, and I felt the same way at first.  Eventually I resigned myself to the fact that it was going to be expensive, and kept telling myself that the wedding was about family, the marriage was about us.  If you can afford the money, I say go for it.  It IS a once in a lifetime event.  If it’s really freaking you out, cut down the size of the wedding.  Maybe you can have the same location for less money.


Also, I think it was hard for me because I wanted to elope, and instead we are having a huge wedding.

Post # 5
312 posts
Helper bee

It would probably help to remember that you’re throwing the reception (where the bulk of the cost comes from) as a thank you to your guests for attending your wedding. When you think of it like that, it doesn’t sting as much. You want to throw a great party with good food, booze, something your guests will enjoy and remember.

We spent approximately $35k on our 110 person wedding. It seems extravagant when I look back but we satisfied the requirements that our parents set out (open bar, food had to be excellent, etc) and our own requirements (no one having to travel between venues, something that fit ‘us’, location, etc). If I had to do it again, would I spend that much? I’m not sure… But we were given a budget by our folks and that’s what we based our budget off of. And the day was incredible and everything we wanted it to be. We have very fond memories we’ll have forever and our families can’t stop talking about how great a time they had.

I would definitely look closely at the venue contract and make sure that there are no hidden costs and that everything that’s included is what you want. My BIL got married and it was an all inclusive venue… but the base package was awful. So they ended up having to upgrade the flowers, and the bathrooms (outdoor venue), etc, etc… and then the venue kept asking for more money for the upgrades. They ended up going from 40k to 60k by the end of it.

Make sure that you don’t have to pay extra fees to use the chapel, that gratuity is part of the contract based on the food costs, what hours and rules you have to abide by, etc. You’ll have to pay extra for the DJ, your outfit, his outfit, make up, hair, transportation, photographer… all of that adds up. All in, those extra costs added more than $6500 to our total budget. So if your numbers are anything like mine, you’re closer to $40k all in instead of $33k.

Post # 6
3791 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course

Its ultimately about how you think you’ll feel in the long run. We could have afforded $35k, decided we weren’t comfortable spending more than $10k, then settled on $7k for the whole shebang. But we’re only having 50 guests. If you’re anything like me and think you’ll look back on the day then have a serious wtf moment and regret spending the equivalant of a down payment on a one day party then give it some more thought. But if you feel good about spending that amount and know it won’t have a negative impact on your finances then go for it with a clear conscience and no more stress.

Post # 7
692 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I don’t blame you for feeling this way, it’s still a lot of money out of your own pocket that could be spent elsewhere. You just really have to think about how important having a wedding is to you. No one else can decide except for you and Fiance. It honestly is really special to have that one day where with all your family and friends to look back on. Just think you will have to spend money on a wedding anyway (even eloping costs money). But it’s ultimately your money and your choice. 

Post # 8
1701 posts
Bumble bee

I look at it this way, if you are wealthy enough to afford a 30k+ venue, and that’s not including a lot of the other aspects of the wedding you’re going to want… then you need to be wealthy enough for it to not matter. Sorry that’s not a popular opinion on these boards, but I absolutely think spending that amount of money on ONE DAY is insane. 

Post # 9
9835 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Can you afford it? As in can you come up with the cash plus an additional say… 7-10k for all the other stuff you’ll need? Plus a honeymoon if you want that?If yes, then have the wedding you want. Money comes and goes. This is a once in a lifetime thing. 

If youd have to put it on credit, take out a loan, wipe out your very last dime… then go with something else you can afford.

35k+ is what a wedding at an upscale Wedding Venue with all the bells and whistles costs. You either are willing to pay for them, or you need to think outside the box of the wedding industry “must haves”.  Plenty of lovely weddings with out a traditional venue (and budget). 

In the end I would go with your gut and your budget. If you feel sick about it, then it’s not the right choice. Most people with 35k venues have either a) parents paying or b) enough money for it to not negatively effect their life trajectory.

Post # 10
2648 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I have conflicting emotions too but my dad is paying for the wedding.

When I started looking at costs, my dad surprised me by saying he wanted to pay for it. For all of it. It made me cry. I was looking to get an idea of how many years we could try and save and how much we would need to save.

As I realized how much it was costing my anxiety kept rising. I was worried that my dad was over extending himself, and that maybe he didn’t know exactly how much we were looking at. Which was irrational because he was involved with everything and knew what went into it. He also kept reassuring me but I still worried. Now he’s given us the money and it’s more than enough, we will probably be giving some back if he lets us.

But then it switched to… why am I spending his money like this…

It really doesn’t end and I’m incredibly lucky that this has been gifted to me, I’m so thankful. He wouldn’t do it if he didn’t want to  but it’s a lot of money. Ours will be just under $15kand he gave us a few thousand more than that.

We have been in a position where we couldn’t pay our bills, we’ve had our power and phones shut off in the past and we have two daughters.

So while I’m beyond thankful that my dad is insisting on paying, if he wasn’t, I don’t think I would do it. I couldn’t justify it even if we HAD the money, not with two daughters and our terrifying money struggle that is thankfully behind us now.

It’s a complex range of emotions for me.

Eta, my dad didn’t know the extent of our struggle, no one really knew. We were able to get through it. If my dad knew he would have helped us then

Post # 11
4161 posts
Honey bee

Have you worked through the entire budget? You still have to factor in things such as invitations, flowers, musicians or DJ or both, dress, tux, shoes, hair & makeup, photography, wedding party expenses, gifts, favors, transportation…it’s a short list for some and a long list for others. It can easily add another $10,000 or more. Honeymoon? Wedding bands? 

If you can comfortably afford it without compromising other areas of your life or goals, great. If you can’t, don’t. Life happens. Don’t put yourselves in a situation where a job loss or a surprise pregnancy would put you over the edge. There are many ways to celebrate a marriage. 

Post # 12
2648 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

beethree :  

There’s also taxes and services fees. The $7k that I was thinking for costs eventually doubled with everything added in.

Post # 13
625 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

ohana33 :  Don’t over think it, if you all have the money and it is what you want you should go for it.

If you are concerned about finances you may want to shop around. 

You and your Fiance are the only ones who knows your financial position. 

Post # 15
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

ohana33 :  

Guilt is commonly a feeling of wronging someone else. Who are you feeling guilty for? Who do you feel you are hurting or gyping? Yourself? Your fiance? Someone else?

If it is your fiance than this is your first opportunity to practice  having really good communication with your mate and getting this out in the open to where both of you can respectfully share all of your feelings, concerns and worries about this to each other. If there are differences you can also use this to practice reaching compromises.

It is a lot of money, a down payment on house, 3 or 4 huge vacations, about 10-15 smaller vacations, kids college fund but if you and your fiance are both on board, I suppose there isn’t anything to feel guilty about.

Who do you feel you are harming?

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