Post # 1
I’m not going to lie about a thing… I’m a pusher. I always have been, my whole life. With small things like Dessert, and as much as I wish it wasn’t true; with big things like engagement too. My SO and I have been together since November 2010, so four years this year, and I have been imagining us ‘making it official’ for at least three years. About two years ago I got kind of serious about it, and since then, SO and I have had many long talks, been through a lot, attempted to discuss timelines, etc.
But now things are different. I think he finally believes me that I don’t want an expensive ring, we’ve talked about Moissanite a lot, and I really like it. I’m leaving in two weeks for a month (teachers college placement), and when I get to see him again it will be close to Christmas. This will be the first in our four years that we wont be together for our anniversary and my birthday (Nov 18, Dec 14), and I know he won’t fly down because it’s a waste of money, and he’s getting into the thick of his masters.
Today we were talking though, and he said something that actually made me think he might propose by/at Christmas. I was initially really happy at the thought of it, but then I took a second and tried to calm myself down, because I don’t want to get my hopes up… And then I started feeling guilty. For every time I’ve brought up engagement, pushed him towards it, cried about x, y, z relating to the whole subject. I am beyond jealous of my friends who were blind-sided by the proposal and never thought about engagement or craved it before it happened.
I know a lot of people are scared they will resent him when he finally pops the question, but I’m scared I’m going to resent myself. 🙁 Help?
Post # 2
Sorry, I couldn’t resist 😛
So, why exactly are you feeling guilty? Because you wanted a surprise but might know it’s coming? Or because you feel like you pushed him into it?
May I ask how old you are?
I mean, you essentially started pushing for an engagement after one year together. One year isn’t a long time. Hell, 4 years isn’t even that long of a time. Why are you pushing so hard for this engagement? I would hold off and spend a bit more time gaining some maturity and perspective.
Post # 3
interesting perspective, never thought i might resent myself. still don’t. you’re not pushing him, you’re persisting in chasing your dreams/ hopefully mutual ones. it’s not a question of maturity and if you had ‘pushed him into it’ he’d have done it a year or more ago. he wasn’t going to be pushed, he resisted and is doing it in his own time (about time eh!).
fingers crossed for you this christmas time. don’t feel bad though, unless you believe he doesn’t want it or that marriage will make him miserable obv!
Post # 4
I think I am feeling guilty so I asked him to wait a few more months… And I will be more surprised.
Post # 5
Let it go OP. You’re a pusher, you push. If your guy is still with you after 4 years he knows this. And if he still loves you then please don’t go down the route of the chronically disappointed partner “unhappy if I don’t and unhappy if I do.” That seriously freaks men out (women too!).
Maybe you could watch the movie Bride Wars with him and when Kate Hudson’s character is jumping up and down on the guy asking him to propose already you could turn to him and be like “I’m like that huh?” and then when he laughs you see if it’s a bitter laugh or an affectionate one and then straight up ask him “and you still love me?” And you’ll have your answer. (BTW studies have shown that watching rom comaw your partner and then discussing them is as beneficial as couples therapy)
It is my firm belief that nobody makes anybody do anything that they don’t want to do. Men who say they were “pressured into proposing” are men who can’t say “I decided to go with what she wanted and suffered the consequences.” Women who “wait” are internally saying “I’m choosing to stay in a relationship where we’re not on the same page about marriage and Ive decided to see if with time that’ll change.”
Post # 6
It is what it is. Why would you resent him for wanting to commit to you? Are you concerned that he’s not genuine? Sometimes it just takes longer for one party to be ready for marriage than the other party, and that’s ok. If you want to put less pressure on him, now is the time to start. There’s no use in dwelling on the past and the what if’s. Maybe in the interim, you can focus on other projects besides the anticipated proposal. Enjoy the time! Good luck!
Post # 7
You guys are right. I’m a worrier, and very frequently in a “damned if I do, damned if I don’t” mind set about lots of things, not just our future engagement.
I turns out it wont be happening this year anyway, but at least now I won’t be disappointed on our anniversay, my birthday, christmas, and new years eve, all coming before 2015. At least he’s being honest with me. 🙂
Post # 8
It scares me if people haven’t even thought about engagement and marriage and then their boyfriend proposes. How on earth are they even possibly ready?! And you know what makes something better? Anticipation! (Even if it is extremely hard at times).
I am no longer waiting but I am SO glad that I even knew what waiting was and could hang out on the Bee for so long before being engaged. He wanted to get married in a year, that doesn’t leave a lot of time for figuring out what I want and enjoying the time planning – it’s been go, go, go. I can’t even imagine trying to plan if I’d never even thought about a wedding and what I would want, what was reasonable and researched ways to save money. The more you know about what you want and weddings in general, the less stressful, more ecomomic and more fun the whole process is.
So, embrace the advantages of waiting and keep your mouth shut from here on out, ok?! 🙂
Post # 9
peachykeener: Hello, you took my space on the waiting list a little under 1 year ago. I was feeling nostalgic today and reading through old posts and I came across your comment on my engagement photo.
I was on the waiting list for only 2 weeks, although I had been waiting for 9 months. I know how extremely fortunate I was to wait for only this short amount of time. I am not usually a pusher 😉 , but had become very pushy in the last couple of months before I got engaged because I felt like I was going crazy with the waiting. Waiting to become engaged to someone you love and who you know loves you, but having no power to decide if/when this happens, is a uniquely maddening situation. You mustn’t give yourself a hard time for trying to take back some control, or for showing frustration sometimes.
I really hope that you will get a Christmas proposal this year. Sending you lots of good wishes as a fellow teacher from another part of the world.
Fingers crossed! xxx
Post # 10
LearCat23: That’s very sweet of you! I can’t believe I took your spot, haha. I’m down to 36 now I think, even though I got on in the 200’s. I really think I’ll hit “#1” before he proposes. I didn’t get a Christmas/New Years proposal this year, and I don’t think I’ll get one for a long while, but we have recently been discussing promise rings/ other gestures.
I’m just at a stage now where we’ve been talking about it for too long and I need something more impactful than words to happen. If he’s still not ready to propose, I want some other gesture that shows me his committment. Kind of hard for my SO, since we already live together and own pets together 😛
Thanks again for your kind words.