- 5 years ago
I’m writing this anonymously because I’m wondering if I am truly as selfish as I’m feeling right now, and don’t really want that connected to my real username.
My husband and I got married relatively young at 23. We started dating when we were only 17 so it felt like we had been together for ages by the time our wedding rolled around.
I have always been a big dreamer, and maybe my dreams are too big. When I was in high school I dreamed of studying or volunteering abroad for a semester or more. When these opportunities finally presented themselves, Darling Husband (BF at the time) so desperately didn’t want me to go away for such a long period of time…so I never did.
Something that I thought about for YEARS and years was joining the Peace Corps…that idea was a huge deal to me. But I realize 2 years is a LONG time to be apart, and when I brought it up to him it was immediately shot down. I realize now that I didn’t need his permission as my boyfriend to do the things I dreamed of doing, but for some reason at the time I felt like that was just the final decision.
Anyway, we got married, and we have a nice life. Before we had talked about moving but he got a job here that he loves and now openly admits that he probably NEVER wants to move. That seriously kills me. We live in a very small town in a rural area where I CANNOT find a job in my field. I have been trying for 2 years, since I graduated. I am currently working a crappy part time job that I hate.
I have been feeling so incredibly trapped and I don’t know what to do. I love him and I am SO happy with him, but I feel like I am getting the short end of the deal here. He travels for work often, all over the country, and I would KILL for 1 week to travel alone. I’ve brought this up to him, saying that I feel like I just need to get away to clear my mind, as well as for spiritual and emotional growth…and he said “I think you’ve been reading too much poetry.”
One more thing…he will possibly be leaving soon for work to live in a third world country for a year managing the rebuilding of infrastructure in war-torn areas. He somehow doesn’t get how incredibly envious I am of this opportunity that he has, it is everything I have ever wanted to do. It would mean the world to me to get to do something like that. He says that it is just his job, no big deal.
I just can’t stop crying lately, wondering if I have signed away my entire life. I love him so much and we have a wonderful life together, but he has always known of my dreams and I think he just doesn’t care. I guess he doesn’t understand WHY I want to do these things (travel alone, volunteer abroad, etc), and I don’t know why either but I do.
I’m sorry this is so long, I just feel so heartbroken. I never imagined that marriage meant giving up so many things that I have dreamed of. If that’s the case, I never got to do anything…my life ended at 23. I have no career, no friends, I hate the area we live in, but he thinks I’m being unrealistic because he has a good job and we’re financially stable. I can’t get it through his head without hurting his feelings and sounding incredibly selfish that HIS stable job is not the only thing that matters to me.
Even wanting these things for myself makes me feel like an awful person because I know I come off as selfish and ungrateful, especially when trying to articulate my feelings to him.