(Closed) Feeling heavy-hearted >> FI thinks we shouldn't have kids

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think having kids is definitely a conversation that needs to be had… preferrably when you are both feeling up to such a conversation… however I do think that you both need to be clear that having a kid is a responibility and a gift for both parents.. not just for you… sounds like he sees it right now as a sacrifice. Also to consider… sometimes you dont get to decide…

marriage is soemthing to be entered into full heartedly, to the extent that you don’t consider the alternative to even be an option. My fiance and I have also talked about the kid thing… Im not 100% sure I want them but I know that he does.. so I know that it is hard to wrap your head around. my post probably doesnt help very much but just try not to let it eat you up.

Maybe your fiance is just feeling nervous in general… I think that is probably normal a month before getting married. try talking about it when you are both in more of a relaxed/happy mood. 

Post # 4
Member
2550 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I’ve noticed a pattern on your latest threads: you have issues with the way he thinks about some things, you wish you had more romance, you don’t feel loved. you’ve wondered if he takes you for granted, if you should be with someone that’s not so different. you’ve mentioned that you find yourself irritated by many of his attitudes, that you’re in charge of everything in the house, and that you still enjoy talking to your ex

 

so I guess the question wouldn’t be “do I really want to have kids?” or “what to do about FI not wanting kids?” but “do I really want to go through with this wedding and be married to this person at 55 years old? at 70? at the time I die?”

 

love and hugs

Post # 5
Member
2073 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I have several chronic illnesses that are not always well controlled by medications. My husband has brought up the children issue as well. 

Based on what you wrote, it seems like your fiancé (and my husband) is coming from a place of concern for your overall health and well being by bringing up the children issue. He’s probably just worried about how you’d cope. 

My best advice is to just talk it out with him. You don’t mention a plan about how long you’d wait to have kids. Let him see you get to one of those better places. Bring it up with him and try to reassure him that it can be done. Maybe it won’t be as easy for you (and me) as it is for other women but that doesn’t mean it can’t be done.  We women can be incredibly strong in ways we don’t even realize we are capable of being until we are confronted with the situations. 

Perhaps bring him along to one of your doctor’s appointments and let him ask questions. Sometimes, men are more receptive to hearing things when it comes from a person in a position of authority. My husband was this way. Drives me bonkers but it’s just the way he is. 

Try not to dwell on it too much. Enjoy the last month of planning and have a fabulous wedding. 

Post # 6
Member
76 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I have Status Migrainosus; not sure if that is similar to what you have?  With mine, it actually got better with my 3 pregnancies (while I was pregnant).  It did get worse after my 3rd, but my hormones were WAY outta wack.  Over the subsequent 4 years I found some medical treatments that helped and have had them under control (1 migraine / @ every week as opposed to 3-4 / week).  1) Absolutely you need to come to some resolution before marriage about Kids.  2) Having a chronic condition sometimes just means being a bit more creative when handling Life Events. 😉  ***HUG***

Post # 9
Member
1152 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

@littleacorn:  I’m not sure I have good advise for you re the children situation as I don’t have kids so I don’t want to give uneducated advise.. however I also suffer from constant migraines (not quite 24/7 but often a few times a week and they last for days) so I totally empathise. People who don’t get them don’t understand how dibilitating they are! But I know so many woman who get them and go on to have children. May I ask how old you are? All the woman in my family have had a history of terrible migraines but stopped getting them once they reached their 30’s/40’s and up. I’m in my mid twenties so i’m hoping like crazy that it will be the same for me!

Have you tried alternate therapies for addressing why you get migraines? They can be caused by such a variety of seemingly unrelated things.. like stomach/digestion issues, posture, eyesight, vitamin deficiencies etc. (that said, I’ve tried all of these and nearly 10 years on still can’t pinpoint the cause of mine..)

At the end of the day, if having children is what you really want then you certainly need to discuss this further with your FI. Perhaps he sees it as less of a burden on him and is more concerned about your well-being and how you will cope – I know it definitely is a concern for me too as to how I will deal with babies/young children when i’m often unable to get out of bed.. i’m sure he is just concerned about you and wants you to be happy and healthy.

Wishing you all the best, don’t let it get you down too much, this is an exciting time for you and you will work it all out, just be open and honest with each other 🙂 xx

Post # 11
Member
1786 posts
Buzzing bee

Was it another post of yours where you said the he wasn’t open to counseling? With all of the issues (and valid ones) you’re voicing and a partner who was not interestd in participating in attempting to deal with the issues… well I’d be concerned.  Is there any way to re-address some counceling prior to marriage or even postpone until you get a better handle on some of the new issues that you’re dealing with?   

Post # 14
Member
81 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@littleacorn:  I really don’t think you should go into marriage with a ‘hope and wait and see attitude’. Relationships are hard, even when you are 100% sure about someone and that is what you should be when you go into marriage.

Sorry to sound harsh, but you should go back and read your threads about your fiance and ask yourself if you were an outsider, what advice would you give yourself.

Obviously I only know what you put on here and maybe you just use this place to moan, but your issues seem quite significant and to me it sounds like neither of you are happy.

Have you thought about what you will do/feel if nothing changes after your fiance has finished his latest exam?

Post # 15
Member
3083 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@littleacorn:  i don’t know why he calls it “babysitting” when it’s going to be his own children. That’s not babysitting. That’s taking care if your kids. 

Post # 16
Hostess
7568 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

If this is a large departure from what he’s said before he may just be stressing about the wedding. I still think it’s important to talk about it thoroughly. Best wishes! 

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