Post # 1
I have a chronic condition of 24/7 headaches/ migraines. I’ve had it for as long as FI has known me. I go through good patches and rough patches, and right now (a month before wedding), I’m in a rough patch, where the latest medicine doesn’t seem to be working. Going into work is a struggle, so I’ve started to work from home more and more. FI didn’t really realize how bad it was until today, when he said we really need to think hard about whether to have kids. He said he didn’t want to get in over his head, where he would be working 70 hours a week, babysitting on weekends and hiring an au pair. (For a while now, we’ve been talking about having 1 child, and me staying home with the kid for a few years.) He asked me how I would be able to get up at 7 and go to bed at 7, like kids do, as I usually wake up around 8:30. (Sometimes, he’s up for hours before me.) The way he was talking, I started feeling like I was a liability, in some way. I asked him, point blank, if he still wanted to marry me, and he said yes. No hesitation. But I still feel sad somehow. He said he thinks he still knows the answer to whether we should have kids, and the answer is no. FI did say he thinks we need to discuss it and seriously think about it.
I’m not sure why I’m feeling upset — maybe because the medicine doesn’t seem to be working, and the wedding is a month away. Maybe because I was feeling like a liability. Or that I was feeling uneasy at being thought of as a potential burden to him. Maybe because I felt interrogated (he was saying, but how would you do this, and how would you do that) or that he thinks the answer is not to have children. Which is wierd, because it’s never been my life’s ambition to have kids, but I think a part of me thought we would just happily fall into it, and it would all work out.
Well, I gave him the opportunity to back out of a marriage with someone who has a severe chronic condition — and realistically, if I left/lost the job I have now, I’m not sure what I would be able to get.
Post # 3
I think having kids is definitely a conversation that needs to be had… preferrably when you are both feeling up to such a conversation… however I do think that you both need to be clear that having a kid is a responibility and a gift for both parents.. not just for you… sounds like he sees it right now as a sacrifice. Also to consider… sometimes you dont get to decide…
marriage is soemthing to be entered into full heartedly, to the extent that you don’t consider the alternative to even be an option. My fiance and I have also talked about the kid thing… Im not 100% sure I want them but I know that he does.. so I know that it is hard to wrap your head around. my post probably doesnt help very much but just try not to let it eat you up.
Maybe your fiance is just feeling nervous in general… I think that is probably normal a month before getting married. try talking about it when you are both in more of a relaxed/happy mood.
Post # 4
I’ve noticed a pattern on your latest threads: you have issues with the way he thinks about some things, you wish you had more romance, you don’t feel loved. you’ve wondered if he takes you for granted, if you should be with someone that’s not so different. you’ve mentioned that you find yourself irritated by many of his attitudes, that you’re in charge of everything in the house, and that you still enjoy talking to your ex
so I guess the question wouldn’t be “do I really want to have kids?” or “what to do about FI not wanting kids?” but “do I really want to go through with this wedding and be married to this person at 55 years old? at 70? at the time I die?”
love and hugs
Post # 5
I have several chronic illnesses that are not always well controlled by medications. My husband has brought up the children issue as well.
Based on what you wrote, it seems like your fiancé (and my husband) is coming from a place of concern for your overall health and well being by bringing up the children issue. He’s probably just worried about how you’d cope.
My best advice is to just talk it out with him. You don’t mention a plan about how long you’d wait to have kids. Let him see you get to one of those better places. Bring it up with him and try to reassure him that it can be done. Maybe it won’t be as easy for you (and me) as it is for other women but that doesn’t mean it can’t be done. We women can be incredibly strong in ways we don’t even realize we are capable of being until we are confronted with the situations.
Perhaps bring him along to one of your doctor’s appointments and let him ask questions. Sometimes, men are more receptive to hearing things when it comes from a person in a position of authority. My husband was this way. Drives me bonkers but it’s just the way he is.
Try not to dwell on it too much. Enjoy the last month of planning and have a fabulous wedding.
Post # 6
I have Status Migrainosus; not sure if that is similar to what you have? With mine, it actually got better with my 3 pregnancies (while I was pregnant). It did get worse after my 3rd, but my hormones were WAY outta wack. Over the subsequent 4 years I found some medical treatments that helped and have had them under control (1 migraine / @ every week as opposed to 3-4 / week). 1) Absolutely you need to come to some resolution before marriage about Kids. 2) Having a chronic condition sometimes just means being a bit more creative when handling Life Events. 😉 ***HUG***
Post # 7
@bebero: Ah, very astute. We’re going through a hard time right now, and everything seems magnified because of the wedding.
He’s under tremendous stress right now, and doesn’t feel I’m supporting him. As he said today, “I feel like I’ve been hit by a car, and am bleeding on the side of the road and you’re asking me to give you my attention.”
And I’m feeling totally neglected.
At the end of the day, I do totally love him. I’m learning to let go of some things that were bothering me before and to give him more breathing room.
But if I have to be honest, I’m just praying I’m making the right choice. That we will be able to work out any differences we have in the future. That we won’t end up hating each other like so many other couples I know.
I feel like what’s happening now is the real deal — in the last few weeks, I’ve learned a couple things (thanks, in large part to the Bees). That you can’t change someone and have to accept him for who he is. That a guy has to be able to relax in his own home and not be micro-managed. That I should really respect a guy who hasn’t had everything handed to him on a platter. I’m trying to change my behavior with those principles in mind.
I can’t see calling off the wedding at this point. I do love my FI. He loves me. Could we be better at conflict resolution? Yes. All that being said, I wish I could look into a crystal ball to see that we’re still in love — and doing okay — years down the road.
Post # 8
@EternalRomance74: It sounds like you have something very similar to me. I am so sorry!! What a horrible thing to have. I’m glad to hear you are feeling better. What medications are you on? I’m trying verapamil (calcium channel blocker) and while that was initially working okay, now I’m dizzy all the time and just not feeling great. I’m not sure what to do, since the wedding is a month away.
Post # 9
@littleacorn: I’m not sure I have good advise for you re the children situation as I don’t have kids so I don’t want to give uneducated advise.. however I also suffer from constant migraines (not quite 24/7 but often a few times a week and they last for days) so I totally empathise. People who don’t get them don’t understand how dibilitating they are! But I know so many woman who get them and go on to have children. May I ask how old you are? All the woman in my family have had a history of terrible migraines but stopped getting them once they reached their 30’s/40’s and up. I’m in my mid twenties so i’m hoping like crazy that it will be the same for me!
Have you tried alternate therapies for addressing why you get migraines? They can be caused by such a variety of seemingly unrelated things.. like stomach/digestion issues, posture, eyesight, vitamin deficiencies etc. (that said, I’ve tried all of these and nearly 10 years on still can’t pinpoint the cause of mine..)
At the end of the day, if having children is what you really want then you certainly need to discuss this further with your FI. Perhaps he sees it as less of a burden on him and is more concerned about your well-being and how you will cope – I know it definitely is a concern for me too as to how I will deal with babies/young children when i’m often unable to get out of bed.. i’m sure he is just concerned about you and wants you to be happy and healthy.
Wishing you all the best, don’t let it get you down too much, this is an exciting time for you and you will work it all out, just be open and honest with each other 🙂 xx
Post # 10
@MrsPaulsBabyBallerina: I think so, but I also know that he’s coming from a place of not wanting to get into a life that he doesn’t want — ie. working 70 hour weeks, babysitting on weekends and having to shell out for an au pair.
I think some of his concern comes from being concerned for me, but a lot of what is driving it is his concern for him. He is smart that way — he is always honest about what he wants and he won’t get himself into a situation that will make him unhappy.
I have to really think about this one — I’ve never been one of those women who lives to have a child. I have so many goals I want to achieve in life.
If I did have a child, I wouldn’t want to be stuck with taking care of the child without any help from him. That would be hell for me. I think it’s best to have a convo with him, where we talk very clearly about what we’re comfortable doing. If he says that he can’t see himself helping that much (because he is bringing home the bacon), then I really have to think about it.
Post # 11
Was it another post of yours where you said the he wasn’t open to counseling? With all of the issues (and valid ones) you’re voicing and a partner who was not interestd in participating in attempting to deal with the issues… well I’d be concerned. Is there any way to re-address some counceling prior to marriage or even postpone until you get a better handle on some of the new issues that you’re dealing with?
Post # 12
@Miss_E_xx: Oh geez, you get migraines almost 24/7? Whenever I hear about people who get them, I feel terrible. ANd then I realize that I have the same thing. I really feel for you, though. And yes, I’ve tried soooo many medications/alternative therapies. It’s a small miracle I’m holding down a fulltime job and wedding planning at the same time. Btw, I’m in my mid-30s, so definitely at that age when we need to make a decision. I’ve often said I could go either way — if it doesn’t happen, then okay (I would probably be a bit sad), or alternatively, I could see myself being over the moon if it does happen. But I’ve never been crazy about babies, and frankly, I’m not that into toddlers or babies. I find them more interesting when they can talk and express themselves.
Post # 13
@fascinated: Yes, he’s not open to counseling, and the wedding is just ’round the corner. I’ve already done a lot of counseling on my own to talk about some of the issues. I do really think we could get better at communication. It’s been very stressful lately, due to his work/certifications and me with the wedding planning. I feel like things will get better once some of the stuff is over, but right now, things feel hard.
Post # 14
@littleacorn: I really don’t think you should go into marriage with a ‘hope and wait and see attitude’. Relationships are hard, even when you are 100% sure about someone and that is what you should be when you go into marriage.
Sorry to sound harsh, but you should go back and read your threads about your fiance and ask yourself if you were an outsider, what advice would you give yourself.
Obviously I only know what you put on here and maybe you just use this place to moan, but your issues seem quite significant and to me it sounds like neither of you are happy.
Have you thought about what you will do/feel if nothing changes after your fiance has finished his latest exam?
Post # 15
@littleacorn: i don’t know why he calls it “babysitting” when it’s going to be his own children. That’s not babysitting. That’s taking care if your kids.
Post # 16
If this is a large departure from what he’s said before he may just be stressing about the wedding. I still think it’s important to talk about it thoroughly. Best wishes!