Post # 1
I found out last night that one of my BFF’s from college (our inner circle) lost her brother this weekend, he was approx. 35 (I’m not sure his exact age but I know he was only a little older than us). I guess he was missing for a couple of days and they found his car with a note and he had jumped into a gorge I knew him, I met him several times and got to know him better at her wedding because I was a bridesmaid and he was a groomsman.
She lives approx. 8 hours away from me. I feel so helpless. Our friend who called me last night to tell me said my friend was not taking calls but I could text or email her. I sent her a text last night to let her know I’m so sorry and I’m here for her and that I love her.
I am waiting to hear if there will be any services, because if so I am going to fly there and be there but there’s a good chance they may not do anything or may do something very privately.
If there are no services or anything, Bees, please help me in coming up with an idea of what to do. If there are no services or anything I’m going to send cards to my BFF and her mom and dad (I know them well also). I’m at a loss for what else I could do – I think my other friend said they may say in the obituary that a donation can be made in lieu of flowers to a charity he liked, so I guess I can do that too, but I just don’t know in this type of situation and being so far away what to do.
Post # 3
@MsYankee: So sorry to hear such sad news.
send the card, make sure she knows you’re there if she needs you, maybe offer to come and see her (if she wants) even if there is no service. These situations are tragic and difficult to handle as everyone is different and deals their own way.
Post # 4
@MsYankee: That is so awful, I’m so sorry to hear that. Definitely send the card, and keep in touch with her until she will take calls. You could even see about making a trip over one weekend if they aren’t having a public service?
My cousin committed suicide 15 years ago, it was front page news as it appeared to be a terrible car accident (it wasn’t). Didn’t hear from my best friend (it was over the Christmas holidays). I ended up calling her and telling her what had happened, and she said casually ‘oh yeah, I know. My friend’s dad was on the scene’. This is how not to support someone, so I assure you that keeping in touch with your friend, sending a card or going to a service (if allowed) is the best way you can be supportive right now. It is a helpless feeling, feeling like there’s nothing you can do, but your support will mean the world to her – even if you can only do it via text or email until she feels up to taking calls.
Post # 5
- Wedding: March 2012 - Father's Vineyard Church/ A Touch of Class Banquet Center
I would just let her know that you are there and send a sweet card and the donation if they asked for it in the obituary. Everyone grieves differently, so I’m sure she will reach our when she is ready. You are a sweet friend for being so concerned, and I’m sure she will be able to tell.
Post # 6
I’m so sorry. Such a tragedy.
Post # 7
Attending the funeral or memorial if there is one, sending a card, making a donation are all ways to support your friend.
You could also send her a gift card for a local restaurant as getting meals on the table can be a strain.
Post # 8
Thanks everyone. He was fairly well known in the music scene he was in (he sang in a band) and so local (to them) media is covering it (they live in a large city) and fans have been leaving their messages, but its just surreal since we all knew him just as her brothenot and I can’t imagine how she’s feeling right now. I wish I lived closer to her :o(
Post # 9
It’s hard to know how to support a friend in these tragic situations. My experience was not exactly the same, but I had a friend whose younger brother was killed in a car accident over the Christmas holidays a couple years ago. I was in another city and unable to be at the services. I made sure to send her a lot of texts and messages over the first few weeks, letting her know that if she ever needed to talk she could call me at anytime of the day or night. I also made sure to mention that she could choose not to talk at that time if that is what she would prefer. I also sent flowers to her family.
In feedback I have heard from her since then, she said it was important to her that, first of all, I acknowledged her loss – some friends did not even mention it. Also, she appreciated that I continued to ask how she was doing after the immediacy of the event wore off. She said that at first everyone was checking on her, but that over time, she was still grieving while others expected her to be back to “normal.” Also, I try to mark the anniversary with a card or text every year, which she has also said she appreciates.
Everyone deals with grief and loss differently, so she may need support in different ways than myself or other posters suggest. But I think if you make an effort to ackowledge her loss and show your support for her (which it sounds like you are doing!) your friend will know that you are there for her.
Post # 10
My best friends brother killed himself two years ago this December. He was 18. There is a book about grieving a lost family member that I got her that is really good. Let me find the name and I’ll get it for you. Other than that, just be there. There using absolutely nothing you can do or sthough make things better though. Just be there to listen.
Post # 11
Since you know her well and her parents, I would get them something you know they would like. What is there favorite activity? Get them a gift certificate to something.
Post # 12
I would just make sure your BFF knows that you’re there for her however she needs. As previous people have said, everyone grieves differently. Let her know you are there to talk, hug (if you are able to visit her), care for, distract, or even leave her alone > whatever she needs.
My best friend’s older brother died in a car crash several years before I even met her. There are still times when I comfort her. I think it’s great that you are so caring for your friend.