Feeling hopeless

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
219 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014 - Temple Beth Am/Love is Blind

Kelz-rose:  Have you talked to him?  I think it is really important to communicate so that you’re on the same page, perhaps he doesn’t know what you want and he is comfortable with what you have. It took a lot of talking between my now fiance and I to understand what each of us wanted, he thought we had all the time in the world, and I did not agree.

Post # 3
32 posts
  • Wedding: November 2014

Kelz-rose:   Ive felt like this before. After countless tears tantrums being depressed and not even wanting to look at my FH.  A wise bee told me this is the only thing he can do on his own. That you dont have control over.  And soon enough 3 weeks aftet those words he asked me to marry him. If you have discussed marriage. Just wait a couple of months. Could be sooner than you know.

Post # 4
9526 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Why don’t you propose to him? It sounds like you guys are on the same page about spending your life together, maybe he’s just not the type to plan out a proposal.

Post # 6
5818 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Kelz-rose:  He knows how you feel. He is choosing not to marry you. You have to figure out how long you will wait. Then have the conversation (it’s not an untilmatum, just telling him how you feel)

“I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you as your wife. It does not seem like we are on the same page about this. I just want you to know that every day I’m waiting my love and respect for you is draining away. At some point in the (near) future, I can see that this waiting will kill my feelings for you and I will have to leave. I do not know when this is, but someday. If you do not want to marry me, please tell me now. It will be painful, but if you love me then be kind and tell me now. If there are other barriers to why you aren’t moving forward, please tell me so we can work on it as a team. If it’s about money for a ring, we can work on a plan for how you will save (maybe he gives you $100 a month and you save it for him). “

Post # 7
1323 posts
Bumble bee

You are living together, correct? I think that when a woman clearly wants to marry and then agrees to live with the SO with no clear enggement in sight it’s a sign that he is comfortable and feels no need to put a ring on it.


Post # 8
527 posts
Busy bee

KoiKove:  Absolutely agree. OP, it’s time. Time to garner some strength and courage and decide if it’s time to move on. For you, hon. For your own future. 

Post # 9
2395 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

You can’t force someone to do something they don’t want to do.  You can only control your own actions.  I believe you made a huge mistake buying a house together before marriage – you now have a financial and legal obligation to someone who has no intention of marrying you.  I would have him buy you out and find a place of your own to live.

Post # 10
108 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Kelz-rose:  I agree with everyone, you really need to have ‘the talk’. It is past time. He’s obviously comfortable and doesn’t want to move forward, especially saying something about trying for a baby. I for one would have come unglued! My SO knows how I feel about that. It’ll be more painful if you continue living this way. Hope everything turns out for the best.

Post # 11
2193 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

KoiKove:  + 1000.

Kelz-rose:  I know this is super hard to hear (I’ve been in your shoes both the waiting part and the planning my life around someone else part) but here’s the deal: it’s not that he’s not planning, or not committing or not saving up for a ring. The most hurtful part is that the truth is he’s CHOOSING to not plan anything. He’s CHOSEN to not commit to you or the relationship, he’s CHOSEN to not save. He’s not not just letting time go by, he’s decided to let time go by. 

What will YOU choose OP? Will you CHOOSE to wait? Will you CHOOSE and DECIDE to be in this relationship despite his choosing to not commit?

“Waiting” is not a passive act of sitting back and hoping that he’ll step up, or decide to propose, curb your psycho tendencies and desires to avoid placing “pressure” on him. Waiting is actually a very active act of CHOOSING to be there every day. Or not. But it’s really YOUR choice and not his. I hope you choose what’s right for you. 

Post # 14
1891 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Well, you are already behaving as a wife while being a girlfriend. You do everything for this mand and the one thing you want, he cannot give you. Sorry, but talking about getting married and being engaged and planning a wedding are two totally different things. At some point you have to stop listening to words and look at actions. I would have understood him dragging his feet because the first part of your relationship is long distance. But now that you live together, he is acting like marriage is not part of the plan. It is really strange that he is now expecting children. 

You either tell him he has to propose or you walk, or you come up with a mental timeline and then move on. You already had one timeline that he ignored. His version of soon and you version are too different things. I think that your intuition is speaking to you about something not being right. Don’t ignore it just because he tells you “soon”. You are not 100% sure, or else you would not be on here needing to vent. I think that you need to be prepared for the worst case scenario. You sound like you can’t wait as long as he wants (which could be a decade). Good luck with whatever you decide!

Post # 15
1844 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Kelz-rose:  what excuse did he give for missing the timeline you guys agreed on? Did you ever just flat out ask him about it?

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