Post # 1
I am a regular poster to the bee and I am so ashamed our relationship has reached this point. I am just looking for some hope or guidance or words of wisdom. To keep fighting before or not? That is the question…
Here I go…
My FI and I have been together for a little over 6 years with a few rough patches along the way. I am 25 so the patches were expected with college/sorority/long distance ect. We have been living in the same town for a little over 2 years and the last year has been rough(to say the least). We recently had to get a roommate (single, young) to help with rent and bills. He has become the perfect outlet for my FH to run from our problems. We both work full-time and I am a full-time graduate student planning the wedding alone, so you can only imagine the stress we are under.
Our relationship is at the point now that I wonder what the point is in all of the work I put in. I feel that distractions have gotten the best of us and the core that a marriages should sit on (love, trust, communication, kindness) was thrown out the window a long time ago. We are practically just roommates and I have taken on the role of nagging mother figure while he has taken the role of single roommates side kick. There is little to no intamacy or closeness.
We also have problems with finances. He refuses to share bank accounts with me and money has become an issue when I don’t feel like it should be. Recently he also has had conflict with my mom which adds to the disconnected-ness and the feelings of being on the same team.
For the past 6+ months I have not felt close to him or loved. I feel like I am living a fake life and am so good at putting on a good face and convincing myself that this isn’t happening. I try to focus on the good times we had in the past and the ones we have now, although few and far between but it doesnt seem like enough to hold on to anymore.
It is just such a horrible feeling to even consider calling a wedding off. Walking away from someone I have spent so much time with and put so much work in to as it is. Our wedding is in the beggining of July.
Lastly we have been to counseling on 2 different occasions and actually have an appointment next Thursday again. We are not even married, is it supposed to be this hard?
Any advice/ words of wisdom you can give would be excellent
Post # 3
Before calling it off I would try to schedule intimate times. Have you been going on dates? Having time to yourselves? It sounds like communication has broken down. I know you are busy, but unless you totally feel that the relationship isn’t worth it, then you both need to put more effort into having special time together.
Once I had a feeling that FI and I were growing apart, and I tried this strategy. Going out reminded us how much fun we had together and helped reopen communication between us.
Post # 4
Update… He just called me and told me his is moving out. He said he is going to spend the week at his parents house.
Is this really happening?
Post # 5
Take a big, deep breath. You have been together 6 years, so yes, tough times happen, even before marriage. There is nothing wrong with counsiling.
You need to take a step back from the wedding and postpone it if possible. You need to get the housemate away from the house so that you can both sit down and talk about the issues. You need to figure out how you are going to handle finances as a couple.
It just sounds like there are a whole heap of issues, non of which you’ve had the time or space to talk about.
Once you being to wade through these issues I’m sure you will begin to feel like the couple you once were. Then if everything gets back on track you can start planning the wedding again.
Something to do now would be to make a list of all the things that need to be discussed. Remember to focus on how You Feel and not what He Does. Don’t put him on the defensive.
Post # 6
@Misshopeful:Maybe this is for the best, (him moving to his parents) to give you both some much needed distance.
Your relationship sounds very off track- but not necesarily beyond fixing. You would both need to be invested in making it work, and perhaps couples counselling would help.
Wish you all the best.
Post # 7
Hang in there hunny… YOU have not been this relationships for six years just to turn back now. Stress does this to relationships so it’s a good lesson from marriage 101 about damage control. Why not have a day or weekend with just you and your FI where you do anything and everything EXCEPT talk about the wedding… you know work out any kinks…. make your decision then….
Post # 8
Hi Miss Hopeful,
I am really sorry for what you are going through. I have to brutally honest. You need to move on. The first red flag is that he doesn’t want to share finances. When you are married you are ONE. What is the point of being married then? It’s suppose to be “whats mine is your and whats your is mine.” The second flag is him leaving. I am sorry but this is really bad for the future. So now everytime you get in a fight he is going to run to his parents house? Not being a man at all. I know nothing about you and you know nothing about me but those are BAD SIGNS. In the future if you have separate accounts, how do you know what eachother is spending? taht kind of privacy and idol hands can get you into trouble. You are 25 years old, young and looking like you have an amazing education and future. you need to really find WHO YOU ARE. I learned more about myself at 25 then I ever did (26 now). If my fiance ever told me he wanted a seperate account I would DEFINATELY not move forward…or if he went to mom and dads hour for a WEEK? Again I am so sorry that you are dealing with this but dont feel pressure into the wedding just because it’s so close. Good luck my dear!
Post # 9
I am not married yet and until I am were are not going to be sharing money. Sorry.
One thing to do when no hope is to be found.Clean the house. The whole frackin thing. Just do it you will feel better.
After, I would consider going to stay somewhere else as well.
Stop all wedding planning. You shouldn’t be doing it alone to being with. He could be freaking out about that. In which case he may not want to marry you right now. Not ever, just not right now.
You shouldn’t be nagging him period. If you are then stop. Nagging is aweful, nobody like to be nagged, and myself it only encourgaes bad behavior.
I really hope you two work this out, take a deep breath, back away and take a break.
Post # 10
I agree with the advice about scheduling some time to reconnect. It sounds like all the stress of life is getting to you guys and you need to take a step back and remember what’s important. Nothing you posted seems to me like a dealbreaker – you two just need to sit down and evaluate where you are. You may need to postpone the wedding because you don’t want to go through that with bad feelings in the air, but everything you mentioned above can be worked through. A lot of relationships will hit this point (either before or after marriage), so now is the time to decide if you guys are going to fight for your relationship. That should be a joint decision – you can’t do it alone. Good luck!
Post # 11
I agree these are not the greatest signs of a successful marriage. Sure you will have your ups and downs but moving out seems like he just doesn’t know how to call it off. If you want to give it another try let him go and do not call him while he is gone, either he will miss you and want to work on things or he will realize that he is happier alone. I am sorry you are dealing with this so close to your wedding, but better to cal it off or postpone it than to deal with a divorce down the road. People change a lot in their 20s and don’t ever settle, when I think back to the person I almost married at that age I cringe at what my life would have been like! I may be one of the last of my friends to get married (34 now) but I met the man of my dreams at 32!
Post # 12
This may be a blessing in disguise. Or, maybe not in disguise. You started this thread asking what you should do. He made the decision for you. And maybe he has done what you were afraid to do. I don’t mean to sound cold, but everything does happen for a reason and just as you saw the signs, evidently, so did he. I really do think he did you both a favor.
Post # 13
Sometimes letting go is a very difficult decision to make…but girl, you are only 25, when I was 25, I felt invincible in every step I take, and you should to.
Post # 14
my thoughts are not everyone is meant to be together forever – we share our lives with people because thats our path and then we move on. you have already been together 6yrs and you are only 25. yes marriage is work but it shouldnt be hard work all the damn time, maybe both of you need time apart to find out whats right for you
Post # 15
ok, i think a weekend away is not bad at all, let him miss you. also, it could be that he’s freaking out about getting married, this is a huge undertake for anyone including you. give him the weekend, ask him to meet you on sunday night, go for a walk and ask him, if you should stop with the wedding planning. then go from there. Yes married life is work everyday, so are children, so is finances. if he is willing to go to counseling is good, however counseling wont fix being out of love. with the everyday, you might think that love is gone, but a kiss, a huge, or just a nice walk will tell you how much you love that person. hang in there, and if he decides to call it off, just walk away. good luck!
Post # 16
- Wedding: September 2008 - A tiny town just outside of Glacier National Park
Keep talking. Be honest… do not hide your feelings from him, but if you want to stay together, you need to make that equally clear. Don’t speak out of anger. That you’re going to counseling is good. It may work itself out, and it may not, but communication is key.