Post # 1
Fiance and I only see each other on most weekends and he works most weekends so we don’t see each other much. Lately we’ve been kind of sex lull and I was feeling hurt than he kept rejecting me so I asked him about it. He has bad anxiety and said he’s just really worried about having a kid right now because it seems everyone is (even though we use two forms of BC) and he feels really guilty because we’re both Christians and know it’s wrong (we’ve only ever been with each other). I completely understood, although it was hard for me, I’ve tried to be supportive the last few weeks. Well tonight he calls me all upset that his computer has a virus, and after awhile admits that he was on a porn site. This isn’t the first time but I know it’s only been like 2-3 times since we’ve been together. Normally I wouldn’t be so upset, but when he’s been constantly turning me down and then goes and looks at porn, it really hurts. He started crying saying how sorry he was, how he needs to be a better man, and knows that was incredibly wrong, he’s scared I’m going to leave him, etc. I’m glad he admitted it, but I really pretty hurt. I know I’ll get over it, but am I wrong to feel sorta betrayed?
Post # 3
@annonbee12: wrong? No I don’t think so. I think if you want though, you can get over that and work through it together.
It’s hard to accept, (Im not a big porn fan either) but I think it’s easier to deal with for both parties than a lot of other things that can get it the way. It’s not okay for me either but it’s not a deal breaker and it’s something that can be overcome.
Im going to hazard to guess here that the kids is maybe more of an issue than the religious aspect? If so, are there other ways you guys could be intimate without possible baby making? It’s doable, been there done that.
Porn is tempting for me, we’ve seen it time and time again. It’s not something yoou have to e okay with, but it’s worth getting over I think. Relationships are hard, people get tempted, you can work through it!
Good luck. I totally see why you are miffed, don’t get me wrong! It’s just a little mff that I think if you can get over, you can both move through this without too mch fuss!
Post # 4
No, it’s not wrong to feel betrayed.
It sounds like both of you are rather confused as to how to behave in this relationship, and what is and isn’t ok, though. If you want to prevent problems like this from happening again, you might have to change some aspects of the relationship.
The first thing you and he should probably do is stop having sex until both of you have decided that it’s something you actually want to do, and both of you can do it without feeling guilty or afraid. Sex is not something that two people should engage in when even one of them has doubts or guilt about it. If he’s worried about having children, sex is a bad idea. Birth control is not infallible. Women get pregnant even when they use two types of BC. If that’s something he’s really worried about, it’s best for him to not have sex.
If sex goes against either his or your religious beliefs, stop doing it. Try to find out whether sex is something that you and he should really be doing. You may find that it isn’t in either your or his best interest to continue doing it.
The second thing you could do is come up with some ground rules. For example, decide if watching porn is ok or not, decide if sex is ok or not, decide how the two of you will discuss sensitive matters with each other, and discuss deal-breakers. Doing this will make it easier to behave properly, and it will make it easier to tell when someone has crossed a boundary.
If you and he disagree on what the ground rules should be, that’s an indication that the two of you may not be right for each other. Don’t ignore it. If the two of you aren’t right for each, it’s ok, you just don’t need to be in a romantic relationship with each other.