Post # 1
Backstory: Anticipating engagement, after 3.5 years together. Have lived together for 3 years. No problems–besides the following blip that occurred 2 years ago that I cannot seem to get over.
Here it goes:
Two summers ago my boyfriend and I attended a party honoring a mutual family friend (his mom’s friend’s daughter and coincidentally my cousin’s relative as well). Everything was fine and everyone had a great time. I was a bit tired and wanted to go home, but I urged my boyfriend to attend the after party at a local bar. He came home an hour later and we went to bed. Since we attended this girl’s party, my boyfriend and her became friends again (since they have known each other since they were kids). I was totally cool with this, and even encouraged him to hang out since it was the summer.
Call me naive, but I didn’t really think it was a big deal to stay over a friend’s house if you have been drinking. I was cool with my boyfriend doing this every other weekend because I was fulfilled hanging out with him during the week and other weekends, so I didn’t think that he was spending too much time “away”. Well I told my best friend all of this casually, and she FLIPPED OUT. She told me that there is no way that this is normal and that I should be going out with them. So I took her advice, all panicked, and asked to join the next time they were having a night out. Well, he didn’t want me to come. He claimed that I wouldn’t like the people there and that I would be bored. WTF? So I broke down into hysterics and begged him not to go. He refused and left, and I cried all night.
The next day I tried to play it cool and everything seemed fine because my boyfriend was loving and didn’t seem irritated or anything. We even had a great date night later that day. Well, the next day I checked my boyfriends phone for the time as we were watching TV. There were several unchecked texts from this girl. I looked at them and it was revealed that they had been texting everyday since that initial party. They were involved in an emotional relationship. My boyfriend shared personal things about us with her. I was devastated and wanted to truly die. He swore up and down that he wanted only me and didnt mean to take it “that far”. I told him to stop talking to her. He agreed but said that it would be hard to avoid her since she is a mutual family friend, and his sister has always been close to her. I was PISSED. His sister is also a close friend of mine and stood by my side during this trying time.
She distanced herself from this girl as I have chosen and tried extensively to grow from this emotional situation. My boyfriend and I are doing great right now. Recently though, his sister has gone back to being very close with this girl. I had to delete his sister from facebook because of all of the pictures of them out. I cannot believe that I am back to the same spot as I was 2 years ago. I want so badly to just move on and not have such hateful and hurtful feelings, but I feel trapped. What should I do? I don’t think I can ask his sister to stop being friends with her…it would cause more problems, no? Please give me some sound advice, as I am desperate. Thanks for taking the time to read this novel too 🙂
Post # 3
I’m sorry to hear that your friends and boyfriend betrayed your trust. You gave your boyfriend freedom to have female friends and he took advantage of the situation. Yes, him staying overnight with her without you isn’t “normal” but he still did it regardless of whether you “let” him or not. You shouldn’t have to put a leash on a man to make him be faithful to you. Again, I’m so sorry for your situation. My ex cheated on me with a mutual friend, as well. I’m glad you found out about this prior to marriage. You will likely feel hurt for some time but take good care of yourself right now and focus on you. You will be fine. Someone else will discover you, cherish you, and appreciate your trust. *hugs*
Post # 4
Nope. You can’t ask his sister not to be friends with this woman. You are doing everything else right. Looking at her facebook will just bring up old memories so it is good to cut that tie. Feeligns of betrayal hurt deep and can be with you for a looong time. The only thing that will make it better is time and since it sounds like your Boyfriend or Best Friend realized his mistake, apologized and changed his bahavior for two years, you need to learn to stop punishing him and yourself. It will be hard, but you have to work towards moving forward.
Post # 5
Ugh. First I congratulate you for being understanding about your fiance having a female friend. I’m sorry they took advantage of it. I’ve definatley spent the night at friends houses when I’ve been drinking and don’t think that’s strange, but I would be concerned if my fiance didn’t want me to accompany him to hang out with friends.
As far as now goes, it seems like you have to make a decision. Can you trust your guy and put this behind you knowing this woman is going to be around at least minimally? Because I think you’re right that you can’t ask your guy’s sister to stop being friends with this girl. Although you really don’t have to have any contact with her. But the fact that seeing pictures upset you so much that you had to defriend her on facebook tells me that you aren’t really over this. So I think you need to do some serious thinking and figure out if you can get over this. Sometimes people can and sometimes they can’t and either one is okay but you don’t want to be miserable everytime you see a picture of her or his sister mentions something about her.
Post # 6
Thanks for the responses, ladies. I guess my issues are that I am so ashamed that I cannot even think about sharing this new “low” with my guy. I know that his sister will catch on to blocking her on FB because she regularly communicates with me on that site. I hate feeling this way, because I am usually very open about my life and how I am feeling. I just feel that this twisted connection of people is mucking everything up. I feel like if we moved away every feeling would go away….but that isn’t the most reasonable thing to do.
Post # 7
I am assuming you are young, under 25, and that this is your first serious relationship. Your SO loves you very much, if at your tantrum he abandoned correspondence with this other girl. This means he cares about you enough to know that it’s either her or losing you. He chose you. Take a moment and be proud of that. It’s the biggest commitment he can make, and he did it with what seems like minimal fuss. Hard to do, I might add, as it seems this girl runs in social circles that are in close proximity to you.
Personally, I think you let your best friends freak out spark your paranoia. You don’t state having any trust issues before that, and probably for good cause. It’s called ‘woman’s intuition’ for a reason, afterall. It sounds to me like he was crashing with what sounded like a group of people (who there’s a good chance you wouldn’t get along with) after drinking at her house. When you got insecure and snooped on his phone, you state that he was texting this girl about “YOUR” relationship. You didn’t say that he was talking about one between them. So I take this to mean he was adament in ensuring she knew HE was taken.
As for your boyfriend’s sister, I’m sorry, but you have no right nor place to tell her who she can spend time with. You either have to accept that she spends time with this other girl or don’t. That is the only choice you have here. Deleting her from Facebook to avoid even looking at this other girl sounds ridiculously childish, and really accomplishes nothing other then burying your head in the sand. This insecurity of yours needs to be dealt with before it consumes you. There’s always going to be woman around “your man” and you need to have the confidence to know he’s made the choice to be with you above every one of them. Hope this helps.
Post # 8
@musicalrose: I didn’t really mention the fact that everyone involved is fully aware and has accepted that there was an emotional relationship going on between my guy and this girl. When I say they discussed our relationship, I meant that she suggested we break up and he would give her reasons why he didn’t know what to do…but never said that he loved me to her, which hurt. It just sucks knowing that his sister is my friend and knows everything that happened from both sides, stood tall by my side…and is now back to being friends with her. She knows my aversion, but I think she has stopped caring. This has really made me think hard about my future and how to handle difficult feelings in the future.
Post # 9
- Wedding: August 2013 - Brookfield Zoo
Yeah, I don’t think your actions two years ago were overreacting at all. Right now though, as long as your boyfriend has nothing to do with this girl, I think you will be alright. You can’t control who his sister is friends with, and obviously despite having sided with you previously she thinks her friend is alright again. I don’t have any sound advice, but I wouldn’t have blocked your boyfriend’s sister from fb… but I would mention to your bf casually that “did you know your sis is hanging out with xx again? let me know if she tries to talk to you too :/”.
Want to add I totally understand the feelings of jealousy! rage!! wtf!! towards girls who legitamitely threaten your relationship with your SO.. it has happened to me (similar situation.. maybe worse). Such feelings are completely normal!!
Post # 10
You are justified in wanting your boyfriend not to have contact with this girl. As for his sister you aren’t justified in not wanting her to have a relationship with this girl. From what you said it sounds like both of them knew her since childhood. You don’t have a right to dictate whom she can and cannot be friends with you. It sounds like she did the best she could in bad situation. Your Fi is the main person to blame for all of these issues. I would think before unfriending her fb and causing tension and drama over this issue.