Post # 1
I am mentally and emotionally trying to put this in proper perspective and am having trouble And need some input. I would normally ask my few close friends but don’t feel they would be neutral (as good girlfriends always have our back 🙂
My fiancé and I have been together for 4 years. We have bought a home and we have bought land together. We are an older couple, both divorced with children. Mine are all grown, he has one in high school still. I made the decision 3.5years ago to move Ito his community (which is many states away from where i come from) as my work is portable and his is not. It is a small community in which he is very much in the public eye due to his position. His family continues to embrace his ex wife …..certainly due to the children, 20 years of relationship, and because he asked them to support her emotionally (he says, because she is not from here and his family is all she has here). On an aside, shes not a hermit and has many friends in the community as she has worked in education all these years.
my quandary is this….he received an invitation to his nieces wedding, taking place locally. i was not on the invitation which was no surprise as the brides mom (his sister in law) wants nothing to do with me and would have nothing to do with her brother in law iit it were possible (which the family makes sure does not happen). I felt, out of respect for his brother and his relationship with his niece, that he should go to the wedding ceremony. The problem I have is he also went to the reception. His ex was there as were his children, parents, family from out of town, not to mention many, many members of the community. Conspicuously absent was myself. I can’t help but feel he disrespected and insulted myself and the importance of our relationship in front of many people by attending this very public and social part of the wedding without me. I’d rather he’d have bowed out of the reception part of the event. Thoughts anyone?
Post # 3
@Organicpig: I don’t think he was trying to hurt your feelings or make you feel bad… I do think the people who did not invite you were jerks out right nasty and horrible you all should have been able to be there
i am sorry you are going thru that
Post # 4
@Organicpig: I can agree with why your upset but I can also understand why he went. The real person to blame here is the sister in law. Its very rude to invite someone who is obviously in a committed relationship. Unfortunately you can’t say “hey why wasnt I invited?” But you can keep your distance from her. I would be very offended.
Post # 5
@Organicpig: I am so sorry you are feeling this way, and this happened to you. Frankly, if my FI were to be in that situation, he simply would not go. Weddings, or any other significant event like this, should not be used as a way to express your dislike for someone by excluding them while including their other half.
Personally, I would feel the same way you do, and I think your feelings are completely justified. His sister-in-law is a bitch for putting him in that position, and I think your FI should have made a statement and either insisted you were with him, or not gone at all.
Post # 6
I’m sure you recognise that extended families can be very difficult. I was recently unable to attend the funeral of a former in law because of the attitude of my former sister in law but my sons attended with my blessing. The last thing I wanted them to do was make a stand on my behalf and make a difficult day all the worse.
I agree that people need to move on and accept new relationships but this is often easier to say than to do. A gracious person would have invited both of you but your FI was put in a awkward position since it would have caused even more bad feeling if he’d declined. I don’t think it makes any difference whether he attended the ceremony only or the reception as well. He went to the wedding. So I think you’ll just need to keep your distance and get over it. Don’t make him feel any worse about the situation.
Post # 7
im sorry 🙁 he should have from the beginning called up his neice and said, “either i dont go or i bring my important woman with me.” I don’t think you should have told him to go to the ceremony he should of at that moment made it clear to his family and to anyone else that either you are coming or he will not be there.
Post # 8
i dont think he was trying tomake you feel bad, i think that by telling him to go to the ceremony you may have sent mixed messages. which is why i said at the beginning he should just have said either i go with her or not at all to the whole thing.
Post # 9
The only one at fault here is the niece, who was getting married and chose to not invite you. I understand feeling upset, but your husband didn’t do it out of disrespect to you or your relationship. Try not to be mad at him!
Post # 10
You told him to go and now you’re upset? As much as I think it was wrong to not invite you, it’s ridiculous you’re mad at him now.
His niece hasn’t done anything to him why should be take it out on her by missing out? I’d be upset if family drama that didn’t include me made my uncle not come to my whole wedding. In fact family drama made my uncle leave my wedding early and it was very upsetting. I didn’t do anything to him to deserve that.
Post # 11
It’s not that I am mad….I am confused, which is why I am asking on this forum (to get neutral feedback). when we discussed this originally we talked about his going just to the ceremony, which I felt was right….again, out of respect for his relationships w his brother and niece and to honor her wedding day. I feel it was wrong for them to exclude me on the invite but also believe it is a bride and grooms right to invite whom they choose to and up to the invitee as to how they choose to respond to said invitation.
Post # 12
And thank you all for your input….it is truly helpful!
Post # 13
@Organicpig: Actually, in your case, according to the norms of etiquette the bride and groom and the person who made up the guest list do not have a right to exclude you and the fact that they did demonstrates (well, in this case, it seems to be one of many things that demonstrates this fact) that they have no real understanding of how to be social. You are correct that you and your fiancé have the right to choose how to respond to their incontestably rude and improper invitation, and I’m afraid that I don’t have much to offer on how to deal with that, but I just wanted to let you know that you have no duty or obligation to dance around the matter of the invite. They were wrong in what they did.
Edited to acknowledge that the bride and groom were not the only people determining the guest list…
Post # 14
I think I would also feel offended…However, based on what you wrote, it seems that this is the type of situation/dynamic that you’re going to have to accept (or at least tolerate) if this is the man you want to be with and the place you choose to live.
Post # 15
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@Organicpig: It’s unfortunate but it sounds like it’s really his ex-niece since you say the bride is his sister-in-law’s daughter. If he’s divorced, she is no longer his sister-in-law. But I somewhat agree with them only inviting him based on the relationship with the bride and her family. He should respectfully decline and send at least a card offering congratulations but if he wants to attend the ceremony and leave, that should also be fine.
Since the community is so small, it would probably be a good for you to figure out how to be accepted by the community; is he comfortable with getting you in contact with his ex-wife? If their divorce was amicable or they have dealt with it and moved on, there should be no problem with you being friendly with his ex-wife. If that isn’t a possibility, you need to consider the fact that you may also be treated as “the other woman” by the community since the ex-wife will also be #1.
Post # 16
@Organicpig: Sorry this happened to you. Personally I would not be able to be in a relationship in which my FI did not put me first. But I am not in your situation. It is what it is I guess.