Post # 1
I am relatively new to the board, made a post a few weeks back and found it so helpful! I am hoping someone can relate to how I am feeling these days and tell me it will get better. The upshot is that I am feeling super critical of my fiance. He is amazing, honestly. He is incredibly handsome, smart, fit, has an amazing job, always sweet, thoughtful, rational, etc. Pretty much everything I could ever want.
However, I find myself picking at him for no reason. Luckily, I know I am being unfair so I don’t do it outwardly, just in my head. For example, my Dad is from Argentina and my Fiance wants to take a trip there. He pronounced “Buenos Aires” with an American accent and I wanted to scream at a him for NO reason! Who am I? Or, I don’t like the way he was chewing his eggs the other morning, or we were driving and I almost missed the turn so he pointed it out and I snapped at him to stop backseat driving.
I am not operating from a loving place right now, and I don’t know why. I really do love him and I have NO doubt in my mind that a life with him will be wonderful. I just feel really short with him, no patience, and super critical and judgemental. Everything that should be small turns into a mountain and it all feels so important to me. We have been together for a long time, and we have had hard times before of course but I hate that I feel like this after we get engaged. What if this doesn’t go away? What if I stay irritated and critical forever? It really scares me.
Post # 3
I think it’s interesting that you noticed that you are “not operating from a loving place right now”. When I get that way I always have to ask myself why and then see if there are things that I can do to put myself into a better frame of mind, i.e. Do you need to get more sleep? Are you going through high stress at work? Could you try exercize, prayer/meditation to deal with stress? ,etc, etc. Find out what you can do to work on getting into a better place personally.
Post # 4
@2011nycbride: Don’t worry about it, it’s just a phase some people go through. You are coming down to the wire where you realize, “THIS IS IT.” You are subconsciously overanalyzing everything he does because you are getting so worked up about this one person being the one you’ll be with for the rest of your life. This may be the result of doubts you aren’t facing about him that are coming to the surface now. Or, it may just be that you are getting nervous about your upcoming nuptials and are taking it out on him. It’s always easiest to take it out on someone that is closest to you. Who ever heard of being overcritical of an acquaintance?
Anyways, do what you did in the first paragraph of your post. Keep focusing on all the good things. Honestly, being smart, fit, having a great job and all that is definitely a bigger plus than chewing your eggs a certain way or being able to say, “Buenos Aires” with the correct accent. If he isn’t from Argentina, then he is pronouncing it correctly – for an American, which I assume he is.
If after doing this you still cannot change how you see him – well, then you need to sit yourself down and reevaluate what the heck changed for this to happen. Maybe you aren’t ready to be with him for the rest of your life just yet. Maybe you need more time. Go with your instinct.
Post # 5
Was this a big change that happened right around the time you got engaged? I can somewhat relate to you because I think Fiance and I have fought more in the last year since getting engaged then in the previous 3 years of our relationship combined. And its basically 100% me starting things with him (often times over really little stuff. like a muffin tin. seriously. a blow-out over a muffin tin).
What I figured out for me is that I’m just a little scared because the stakes are higher now. I love my Fiance and I’m so excited to marry him… but with sooo many people I know divorced, and everything bad you see about marriage allll the time, it can be just a little bit scary because you want to make sure you don’t become one of those unhappy married people, ya know? So all of a sudden when we got engaged everything he did I started scrutinizing. If he leaves a muffin tin in the sink that means that he expects me to cook and clean and slave in the kitchen for the rest of my life (yes really). If he makes a stupid comment while playing a game that means he doesn’t and will never respect me (yes really). If he tells me he didn’t put coffee in the coffee maker when he did that means he is either lying or he’s incapable of admitting when he’s wrong and we’re doomed to a life of fighting (yes really). These are all real fights we’ve had over things that I know I blew way out of proportion because suddenly I’m extrapolating every tiny thing into what it might mean for the next 60 years of our life… rather than realizing that sometimes people do things without thinking. And sometimes people say stupid things. Could it be that you’re just a little nervous about the commitment of marriage?
Post # 6
I know I feel totally terrified about getting married. Just a few weeks ago I was in total bliss with him, so nothing actually changed aside from my own thoughts. Two weeks ago I literally could not have been more in love with him and more excited to marry him, now I feel scared, unsure, and just all around edgy. I don’t want him to feel like he is on eggshells around me, that breaks my heart. He is such a great man and he doesn’t deserve any of the stuff I am throwing at him. He has never once thrown it back at me and he has infinite patience with my nonsense.
I have to remember that no one is perfect, and I need to put weight on the things that matter. We have such a healthy relationship, he is a balanced, wonderful, loving, responsible, trustworthy man. In fact, there is no one else in the world that I trust as much as I trust him…with my heart and my life. You could put him at the Plyboy mansion and he would probably just want to read his book alone. We have a great life together, we both work hard and spend our weekends doing fun things with each other. NOTHING is wrong with our relationship, but I am picking on small stupid things and I don’t know why.
My ex was a nighmare…mean, crazy, huge temper, and he was a cheater. I never focused on the small things with him because I had bigger fish to fry. It is almost like I am looking for reasons to be unhappy with him. It makes me sad that I do this. I talked to him about it because he noticed it (we communicate REALLY well), and he said I have control over what I focus on and I can choose to see things differently. He is probably right, but I am having a hard time finding this peaceful loving place.
I don’t like wedding planning at all. My friends getting married love to shop for flowers, dresses, anything wedding. I am pretty disinterested in all of it, even for other people’s weddings. I hope this gets better.
Post # 7
“If he leaves a muffin tin in the sink that means that he expects me to cook and clean and slave in the kitchen for the rest of my life (yes really).”
YES!!!! This is SOOOOO how I feel!!! OMG, you hit that right on. When we were driving and he pointed out the turn that I was about to miss, I thought “He thinks he is better than me so he has to give instructions”. Or, when he can’t say “Buenos Aires” the way I do, I think “our children are going to be beer drinking football watching uncultured members of society”…meanwhile my FI is incredibly smart and double Ivy league educated, hardly uncultured. Or, he disciplined our dog the other day and used a harsh voice and I thought “He is going to be a mean scary father and not loving with our children”. Of course I ignore the 99% of the time that he snuggles and kisses the dog. I seem to find data points and use them to back up bad things, but I don’t use the good data points to back up good things. WHY?
EVERYTHING feels monumental and huge. Everything now has a larger meaning behind it. I can’t let anything go in the moment, and I either just fester in anger or I make a sharp comment to him. It is the worst.
I can’t seem to shake it, and if I don’t stop, I know I will sabotage my marriage…and part of me wonders if that is what I am trying to do just because I am so scared. What happens if I really can’t stand the way he chews eggs and I wake up in 4 years feeling totally miserable? I am so scared that I’ll end up in a loveless marriage just because I see so many people live that way. I won’t get a divorce, so this is it.
Post # 8
I think it’s normal. I feel the same way. I’m just glad someone else said it. I love my Fiance more than everything and I know he is the one. At the 90 day prior to the wedding mark I started judging everything he does and in my head thinking, “Do I really want to deal with the fact that he puts the clothes next to the hamper but not in it for the rest of my life?!?!” And then I get so angry that I start thinking of all the little stuff. Then an hour later I am apologizing for being crazy. I feel like I’m not myself.
Post # 9
@2011nycbride: at least you realize that you’re being a bit unreasonable! i really think that things got better when i realized why i was being that way. And I don’t mean to say things were ever bad… but like you i just had these weird negative thoughts happening that were totally irrational. one thing that seems to help me is to think about this exercise our officiant is having us do. She wants us to write letters to her explaining why we are marrying the other person (the purpose is so that she can get to know us better as a couple and give a better homily at the ceremony). But whenever i start to feel like that i start drafting the letter in my head and by the time i’m mid-way through the second paragraph i’m smiling. i end up thinking about the time i got home from a weekend away and he’d set up a picnic for me in the back yard, or how he crawls around on the floor with our dog every night playing first thing when he gets home from work, or how he leaves me notes in the steam on the shower door… and suddenly the fact that he was less cuddly than usual at bed time last night seems less like we’re going to have a loveless marriage and more like maybe he was just tired last night. 🙂
Post # 10
I will make my response about me since I’m not entirely in your shoes and don’t knwo all the facts.
I used to do this to my ex-BF. We had a great relationship, but for some reason little things about him bugged me all the time and I was frequently annoyed. Meanwhile, poor guy didn’t deserve any of it, he was smart, funny, good looking, treated me like a princess even if it meant making himself unhappy. I am embarassed now looking back at how I picked on him and disrespected him, but I know I did it because 1) I was immature and 2) I didn’t ever really love him.
With my Darling Husband, there have been times when I was less than nice to him for more than an afternoon or a day. He is really good about pointing it out to me (we also have GREAT communication) so I have always been able to figure out what was really bothering me and address that. It never has anything to do with him, 100% of the time I am just taking out stress on the poor defenseless man.
So hopefully you can get to the root of the issue, either way and address it. I don’t think you necessarily need to see a counselor or anything, just take a step back and analyze your life. Ask yourself what is bothering you so much then figure out how to fix it.
Post # 11
I felt this way for the last few days of our honeymoon. Seriously, I felt venemous towards my husband. I recognized that it was completely unhealthy and I just. couldn’t. control. myself. I’m talking little things like running over a curb, or taking a bit of my dinner would make me just seethe, which is usually completely uncharacteristic of our relationship!
I think part of it is recognizing the hugeness of the commitment you’re making. Realizing this is forever.
What helped me was just telling myself–this is forever–so try to make the best of it! I started focusing on the great things about him, and letting the small stuff slide off, because I married a great guy who cares about me and loves me, and I love him!
For me, it was just a phase. Sure, we have moments, but for the most part the venom is gone. I hope yours will wear off soon, too!
Post # 12
I know this might be too much of a simplification so you can take it with a grain of salt (or not take it at all) but…are you PMSing?
It sounds crazy, but the only time I feel this way about my darling Fiance is the week before my period. My mind thinks I don’t want to marry him, but it’s only hormones – of course I want to marry him!
Post # 13
1st of all .. it is good that you notice you are acting this way. I doubt you will stay this way forever! It sounds like you are just irritable – it could be stress (wether you realize your stressed or not), it could be hormones.
I went through a bit of this and realized it was a combo of both. I switched birth controls and started making an effort to be more patient – also i didn’t realize i was stressed about stuff going on because it was more emotional stress and most my stress in the past was because of schedules or school… and i wasn’t in school or working so it took awhile to identify what i was feeling.
Just do your best to have a positive attitude!
Post # 14
@CorgiTales: Um, I’m sorry did you hop into my brain and write this post for me? Cause I was about to write the exact same thing!
Post # 15
Once again, thank you for all of the great responses!! Yes, I am PMSing! Depending on stress sometimes I can become a royal you know what the week before my period, and this is it. However, that isn’t all of it. This started about two weeks ago.
I thought about this a lot yesterday, and I think there are a lot of emotions swirling that I haven’t addressed. Getting married is HUGE, and it feels huge to me, so I am feeling lost in a sea of transition and it is scary.
Last night I tried to focus on the things I love about Fiance. We had a huge thunderstorm last night and the poor dog was terrified. Fiance walked in the door and she ran to him, he dropped to the ground and held her and kissed her. I melted. He had plans last night but he made me dinner before he left so all I had to do was heat it up when I got home. He is genuine, honest, introspective, thoughtful, generous, affectionate, and with him I feel more healthy and grounded than I have ever felt in my life. I love our life together. We take long runs together, we sit in the park and read, we love the small things.
I am trying to just focus on the things that really matter. Who cares about the small annoying things. Those will be there no matter WHO I am with. When you are with someone for 4 years, there will always be things they do that you find annoying. I just have to try to remember this.
Post # 16
You should read the ‘consious bride’ – it is all about the feelings you experience leading up to getting married (not all the expected ”oh so happy” feelings but the ”oh my god this is final” feelings’).
I read this recently and got a really good perspective on what was going on in my head! I just got it out of my local library and it was pretty well worn!