- 3 years ago
So, bees, I need to vent somewhere.
I love my fiance very much and I know he loves me very much, no matter what shape or size I am. He’s proved this by being with me for the past 2 years. A little back story: I’ve known my fiance for about 3 years. When we met, I was dating my now ex boyfriend and was this super tiny little thing, I was only 5ft and about 100lbs. I was tiny and cute and loved myself. That was the most confident I have ever been. Well, my ex boyfriend and I broke up, I was devestated; I thought this was the man I was going to marry (dodged a bullet there.) and who I would love forever. After we broke up, I turned to food for comfort. I literally ate everything, I would eat bags of chips, entire boxed dinners (hamburger helper, mac and cheese, you name it.) so it was no surprise when I gained a lot of weight. I then met up with my fiance again and that’s when we started to date, since the beginning of our relationship my weight has flucated so much. I do these yo yo diets or just don’t even care at all.
Well, now I’m just feeling insecure about my body, I’m at about 180lbs on a 5ft frame which makes me look a whale. Now that we’re engaged and I’m realizing how many things we’re going to be doing that involve me looking decent (engagement pictures, dress shopping, the actual wedding !) I’m freaking out. I feel fat and ugly and all I want to do is hide under the covers. I feel disgusted with myself for ever letting myself reach this point and I know I need to change. I know I can lose the weight, heck, I know how to lose the weight in a healthy manner, I just can’t seem to light the fire under my own a** to do it. Sad isn’t it?
My FI had told me countless times he loves me and my body no matter what, but it’s hard to believe him when he’s this 6’4 beanpole who barely weighs anything and can eat whatever he wants without gaining a pound. I feel like I should be the little 100lb girl he first met. I was confident and happy then, now I’m just fat and moody 99% of hte time.
Has anybody else dealt with this? I just don’t know what to do. I feel stuck.