Feeling irritated with my mom

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
42522 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

sjp6615:  Your Mom is likely embarassed that they cannot help financially and that is being exacerbated by the fact that you are having the wedding at the FIL’s.

If you generally have a goood relationship with your Mom, there is no reason you can’t still include her in the wedding planning, instead of shutting her out completely because she can’t help pay for it.

Yes, you get to make the decisions because you are paying fo the wedding. But unless you want to alienate her completely, you can still ask her opinion, run things by her etc then make your own choices.

Post # 3
Member
2131 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

sjp6615:  It sounds like she just feels left out. I understand why you don’t want to tell her much, and you know your mom better than I do, obviously, but I can see how your resistance would make her feel like you don’t want her to be involved. Maybe you don’t want her super involved, but is there anything you can ask for her help/advice on? I think the fact that your hosting your wedding at your FILs is probably just magnifying her feelings of being left out. Assure her that her opinions do matter to you (to a degree) and if you want to, involve her a bit more. That doesn’t mean you have to do everything she suggests or wants, but even if you don’t, just being asked to help will probably make her feel better.

Post # 6
Member
42522 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

sjp6615:  Two points:

Responses can only be based on the information given in the original post. Obviously your poarents feel they have paid for one wedding and that’s it per daughter. Clearly she feels that you have decided that she is not entitled to an opinion about anything wedding related. You can choose to keep it that way, or you can make it clear to her that you do want her opinons, even though the final choices will be yours.

If you want to direct a response to a particular Bee, you need to click “reply” at the end of their post. You can click reply on more than one response, then answer them both.

Post # 7
Member
6749 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

OMG- are you my clone?

My circumstances are SOOO similar its crazy!  I got married young (21), married for 10 years before husband cheated, parents had hosted a small wedding first time, remarried at 33 (my new husband’s first as well) and parents didn’t contribute (completely fine).  My mom was aloof the whole wedding process as well- although not as openly upset as yours.  I never did figure out what my mom’s problem was (wedding was 4 years ago almost).  I thknk there is something about moms watching their “babies” growing up and not being able to control the situation.

Post # 9
Member
4819 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

sjp6615:  I think weddings can bring out the worst in people and they sure get political fast, don’t they? When I got married (the first time) my parents paid for part of it and my mom sure liked to give her opinion on what she DIDN’T like. I really don’t know why people (MOMS) can’t just go with the flow and be happy for their daughter. So I dont’ really have any advice, but wanted you to know you’re not alone.

Post # 11
Member
373 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Moms can get really jealous of in-laws, especially around wedding or baby time. If you were having it at your own house, you probably wouldn’t be getting this attitude. Yes, she must drive a whole hour and a half to your wedding. Wah. Most people nowadays have to fly.

Personally, I don’t think you will be able to placate her, so don’t bother.

Of course she can help, regardless of where the wedding is or whether she is paying; many of my friends have asked for help and advice for their weddings though I was just a guest. There are many wedding details and decisions that are non-financial. Financial decision: which baker, how big a cake. Fun decision: which flavor. Financial: fabric flowers, florist, or something else. Fun decision: what colors and which type. Your mom could be having fun with you, or she could act grumpy and jealous. Her behavior is not in your control, though.

I’m sorry you are having to deal with her attitude, but just figure you can get through this with your fiance and friends backing you up. Stay polite and calm, keep a cheerful demeanor, and maybe she will get over it.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by  HBanan.
Post # 12
Member
2368 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I think she feels left out. Even though she’s not contributing, the fact that you’re hosting the event at you FIL’s place probably makes her uncomfortable. YOU understand the reason she’s not contributing, and that’s fine. But the fact that they’re helping and involved probably hurts, even if she’s not communicating that well. And most parents that can’t/won’t contribute don’t necessarily want everyone else knowing their business. I’m not saying that you’re telling everyone that she’s not paying, but I’d bet she feels that way.

Post # 13
Member
865 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

My mother is pathalogically jealous of my brother’s in laws…to the point where it is embarassing. My SIL’s family are just a totally normal happy family, which is exactly what my mother can’t stand.  Her parents are still happily together, both have worked hard and are now looking forward to a comfortable retirement together.   They love my brother and have always treated him like one of the family.

What my SIL and her family don’t realise though is that you can’t talk to my mother like a normal person – she takes everything personally, sulks and is emotionally manipulative.  She’s jealous of their lives – my father left 25 years ago and as myself and my brothers were all over the age of 18, our family home (of only 4 years) had to be sold.  She can’t stand to see anyone of her age that is doing ‘better’ than her.  The sad thing is she was only 47 when my father left, she could have rebuilt her life, but chose, and still chooses, to wallow in anger and bitterness.  It’s a real waste.

Best advice I can give?  Ignore her.  

Post # 15
Member
3930 posts
Honey bee

sjp6615:  mothers! God love ’em. Your situation sounds annoying. She could be more supportive but just try to let it wash over you. Trust me, my Mum can annoy the hell out of me, but what i try to remember is that she won’t be around forever and then i will want nothing more than for her to be around annoying the hell out of me! 

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