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I should probably give you some sage advice as to how to get over how you're feeling, but in reality, I would probably feel just the same way you do. Have you talked to him about it? I mean, you can say what you said here--that you know you should be happy for him, but you're having a hard time, and here's why? I'm sorry you're feeling bummed!! ((hugs))
We talked about it last night and we're just coming at it from different places. He has a problem being able to see things from my side sometimes. To him it's not a bachelor party which I think is so not true and it's just a group of friends taking a trip together to spend time together. Ummm does it need to be such an extravagent trip?! Doesn't this GM have other things to spend his money on like that custom house he and his SO want to build?! He just doesn't understand why I might possibly be jealous. He kept saying that I went to Italy for 3 months (literally right after we met and I had had it booked long before I knew him) and then to Barcelona for a week six months later to visit a friend. I paid my own way though and when we went to Italy I barely knew him! When I went to Barcelona to visit a friend, got free accomodation with her, and she certainly didn't pay my way for anything! He just gets so black and white about things. I know if the tables were turned he'd be really excited for me and so he expects me to be the same, but I'm not.
It's silly because I'm so excited about getting married and sharing our lives together I feel like I'm almost getting cheated out of stuff when he gets to do something like this. I want to be there to share it with him. I want to have these big experiences with him.
Now he's just texted to say he'll be late from work tonight and he's working all weekend but he's going to try to wrap up early tomorrow so we can spend some time together before we go to a friend's birthday party. Great. All aboard the train to lonely town!
If I had a rich friend who was offering to pay for a trip I would hope that my fiance would be excited for me to go. Tth GM probably knows that if he wants his friends to travel with him-he's going to have to pay and I guess if he has that kind of money then I think it's nice for him to do that for his friends. FI and I have been together for 9 years though, so I'm kind of over the whole we have to travel and do everything together. he went to Ireland for 2 weeks, and I just didn't feel like going so he went with another couple we are friends with. lol.
*edit-I want to add that I understand your side too.
i would feel the same way as you. and then i'd feel guilty for not being happy for my guy!! so many mixed feelings- i totally understand what you're going through. my FI was planning his bach party (i originally wasn't going to do a bachelorette) but i thought- hey if he's going away i may as well too. so my girls and i go and book the whole thing- and then his totally disorganized groomsmen were like "oops that weekend doesn't work for everyone." UGH! my FI works a ton during the week, so i really value my weekend time with him, and then because those guys couldn't get their sh*t together now i lose 2 weekends right before we are getting married??? i know it's not as much time as you are looking at, but i too am feeling frustrated with what seems like unnecessary away time!
I'm not much help with the trip situation, but I can join you in "lonely town"... I completely understand how bad it sucks when your SO is working constantly... Jason has been working 20 hour days most days and when he's not he's working 12 hour days and going home to bed after... and on top of that we've had people staying at our house so when I am "home alone" I feel awkward being in our own house and just stay in our bedroom with the dog all night. And on top of that he has bowling on Wednesdays... yup, boy time. I don't get time with him but he gets BOY TIME?! (I think this might be where alot of your jealousy of the trip comes into play, he can make a whole weeks worth of time for his friends but can't make much time at all for you?!... I'd be pissed).
Try to keep yourself busy, work out, take up a new hobby (or an old hobby)... And just be honest with him, maybe tell him it's not so much about the TRIP but the TIME, your feeling really lonely these days and you need to reconnect with him more often.
I told Jason how I felt, and he was supposed to work last night, and we had ONE night of the house to ourselves, he wanted to spend time with me (alone for once)so he took the night off, and we went out to dinner and watched tv on the couch, it was SOOOO nice to just have that time, and that he did that for me... SUPER SWEET!
I would be pi$$ed if someone gave FI a 'wedding present' that was a trip for HIM to go away without ME for an entire week. Other than that, I think it's his decision whether or not he should accept the gift from his friend, which is very generous. If I were you, I would demand 'half' of the 'gift' (figure out a monetary value) and spend that on a new wardrobe or a trip with my GF's.
I also understand about him spending a week in Europe without you. Your trip doesn't seem like it was under the same circumstances. I also get annoyed with the guys destination bachelor parties, or WHATEVER they want to call it. If it's guys only, it's a bachelor party in my mind.
Nights out or trips with friends are important, but you two need to discuss them as a couple beforehand and agree if it should happen in the first place. If he's this busy at work, I think he should discuss with you first before committing to a week away. FI always asks me for my blessing before committing to plans, unless it's a 'routine' guys night out. By 'routine', I mean the once or twice a month all the guys get together.
So I think you definitely have a reason to be upset, but whether or not he accepts such a generous gift is up to him.
Whoa. Alright, I can totally see both sides of this.
On your fiancee's side: free AWESOME trip! That's really generous of his friend to pay for all that. It would be a great "bonding time," no doubt, and I'm sure they'd have a ton of fun. And sure, it's a great wedding present... for him.
ON your side: I'm sure you're right smack dab in the middle of wedding planning. Right in the thick of it. And for him to be gone for a week isn't really okay. I'm sure the trip is still going to cost him money, either meals out or something. And stuff ain't cheap when it adds all up and like you said, money isn't growing on trees for you right now. I really hate when Mr. KM is gone for a week too, so I totally understand that part! It's not really fair for him to go to EUROPE of all places when you're getting married soon, does he realize he can't fairly do that once you're married? I'm afraid this is going to set a precedent even before you get hitched.
Id be upset too. My fiance i don't think would want to do something that extravagant without me. Wow what a tough situation for you. Don't feel bad about your feelings.. I'm with you on the jealousy and anger.
I don't think it matters whether it's a bachelor party or not - what bothers you is that he is going on an expensive trip to Europe by himself. Each couple has to figure out what they're comfortable with, but it's good to have ground rules on this. For us, something like this would be out of the question. In my eyes, getting married means you no longer take long trips by yourself. It's one of the things you give up. FI and I have discussed it and are on the same page about it. I would maybe make an exception for a local weekend trip - but a European adventure? Hell no.
I'm not saying that this is the right approach, but it's right for FI and me. So you just need to figure out what's right for you two. Actually, maybe it's good that this situation came up before the wedding. Look at it as a chance to figure out how you are going to deal with these situations in the future and what the rules for you guys are going to be.
PS Are you friends with his friends? In your situation I would totally try to tag along.
Awww HUGS! Whenever I see a post titled "feeling jealous" or something like that, I always expect to read about some really rude thing a bee has done hoping for others to support her.
I totally agree with you!! Man, that sucks!! Have you been to Europe before?
As jealous as you rightfully should be, if this is something his friend is offering to do for him, I think you should let him go. Do you have any idea how happy he will be to go and how appreciative he will be to have such an awesome fiance who will let him jaunt off for a quick FREE european vaca before the wedding? If he had to pay, then I would think that this could be something that you could really have a firm argument about ($5K is a lot of money!), but in this case, just let him go (AND MAKE HIM PROMISE TO TAKE YOU TO EUROPE SOON!!)
If this is not a bachelor party then go with him......see how he reacts when you tell him that....good news honey I'm coming with! since this is not a bachelor party....HA! I bet he won't like this. I would probably freak out if something like this happens to me, I would say NO you are not going anywhere! but that's me ;) Tell him to go to Vegas for a weekend and call it a day.
I'd be jealous too, but c'mon, give the guy a break and let him go on this trip of a lifetime. It's an amazing opportunity for him, and you should try to suck it up and give him your blessing to have an awesome time in Europe with his friends.
Hmmm...I can only speak from personal experience, but maybe this will give you some insight.
My FI is also going away for his Bachelor party (Vegas) and his guys are paying for it. I think that if it's been offered it'd be crazy not to accept something like that! I would!
I on the otherhand, will be going to Miami with my BMs but none of the girls are paying for it. Admittedly I was a bit bummed at first, but then again, I should never expect anyone to pay for something like that. If they do, great, if they don't, no big deal. However, my FI offered to help me pay for the trip because he really wanted me to have just as fun of a weekend with my girls as he will have on his, which was amazing for him.
But those are our circumstances, not yours. What I'm trying to get at is, I know why you might be feeling jealous, but you can't let that get in the way of your FI having an awesome trip with his guys. Who knows what life will throw at you after the wedding (finances, babies, etc), so let him have his fun while he can! If you can manage to round up the girl troup for a weekend of fun somewhere, that might you feel a bit more equal? Plus, you can have just as much fun with your ladies, no matter where it is or how much it costs!
As for feeling lonely when he is around - honesty is the best policy. Don't bring up the Euro trip as a point, otherwise he might just feel like your guilt tripping him about that. Instead, suggest that you two spend more time together for date nights, dinner, etc.
While I totally understand your side of things (and would probably be pissed too), I have to put myself in your FIs position. If that was me and a close friend offered to pay for a European Vacation for me, hell yeah I'd want to go. It's not like you've never been to Europe or something like that, which then it would be not OK at all. But you have. I know you want to travel together and if he was spending his own money on it I would say that it's totally unacceptable, but he isn't spending his/your money. It's free for him, and how the GM chooses to spend his money is kinda not your business.
Example: in October I wanted to go to a music festival in Palm Springs (not Europe, but across the country to a nice place) with one of my besties and some other people. FI, like you, was pissed at first, but eventually he realized that it was important to me and I really wanted to go and he ended up being happy that I was able to do it and had a fantastic time. I'm not a believer that when in a relationship, you need to do every single thing you do together. I think it's important to have time alone with friends. For me, it's healthy and normal to do your own thing sometimes. If I didn't have time away sometimes, I would end up resentful. Just something to think about.
I think what GirlWithARing says about ground rules is really true. In my relationship, this would just not be a bid deal. We travel without each other regularly, for both business and pleasure. We pay for such things out of our separate accounts, so it's not a drain on the other person's finances. I'm going to Mexico next year with a group of girlfriends, no husbands invited, and would be happy for him to do the same. You and your FI need to figure out how you feel about stuff like that, and it may take some work, because it sounds like you're not on the same page right now.
I also wonder, though, if the real issue is your feeling lonely in your day to day life. If you can make that better - either by getting your FI to work less or finding more satisfying stuff to do without him - you might resent this trip less.
I totally agree with GirlWithARing that you two need to figure out what is comfortable for you. I think every couple is different and you might discuss this with your FI. Further agreeing with GirlWithARing, I think that long trips should be reserved for both parties, unless it's due to some sort of urgent matters. I would feel jealous, too, if I were you, on the various levels you discussed. I totally sympathize with you. I think if my FI were in the situation, he probably wouldn't go as he wouldn't have much fun without me, and especially if he's not even paying for it himself, if it weren't a bachelor's party. lol I agree with you, though, how does it not sound like a bachelor's party? :D Why would your FI let him pay for it? That's just weird.
I too agree with Girlwitharing about the ground rules thing- we havent set rules per se, but FI knows I would not be happy about him taking a week long trip to Europe (or anywhere for that matter) without me. He and his friend talked about going on a cruise to use up their vacation days and I said no. I said that we have never been on a cruise together and if he is going to go on one I would like to be there. I say you should say youre coming along too. If its not a bachelor party then girls are allowed! Maybe Im alone on this one but I wouldnt want to take a week long vacation without my fiance - I would want him to be there during all the fun times I was having. I think you just need to explain to him how you are feeling. Or say that you are totally fine with him going if this is considered the bachelor party and he doesnt do anything else for it. Thats what I would do!
I don't think it's a matter of "letting" him go. He can do what he wants, it's not up to me to give permission. Giving my blessing, ya that's something else. I mean, of course I want him to have fun. Of course I want him to do cool things. But I sort of want to put on a huge pouty baby face here and say "But I want to do them too!!!!". My BM are planning a small bacheloretty party for me, a night away at Niagara-on-the-Lake (pretty area around Niagara Falls), which will be wonderful and quiet and suit me and my lifestyle.
I just don't get this over the top trip that guys do for bachelor parties now. But maybe as someone who doesn't look at money as something to burn I'll never see that side of it. And I don't care what he says, it's a friggin bachelor party, you can't sugar coat it to make me feel better and say it's a guy's vacation. I'm happy he has generous friends. I'm happy he's excited. I'm jealous I don't get to do the same. It's silly and petty and I'll eventually get over it. I guess too, I feel jealous that the scale of his party is so HUGE and extravagent and mine is..................... nice. I would never expect my BM to do something like that (even if they could afford it). Hell a weekend of shopping for honeymoon clothes in NYC for my bachelorette party would be incredible but that isn't going to happen. I guess too I feel jealous because it'll be the second trip this GM has taken him on. FI said to me that it's him paying back a favor after he helped GM install hardwood floors in his house last year. I guess guys pay back favors differently than girls?! I've helped plenty of my girlfriends and saved them lots of time and money with different things, but then they help me out with different things, they don't friggin take me to Europe! What the heck?!
Maybe the timing of all this is just really bad. He's been working so much and I've been feeling lonely and then he says the GM is planning a week long trip.... I don't want to think of him being away even more. I've been sick for the last couple days so I think I just need a good night of cuddling rather than feeling yucky and alone.
I'll get over it. Thanks for your support bees. I needed your kind words and hugs today.
I dont think what your feeling is invalid at all! I would be soooo pissed off if my FI went to Europe without me for a week. I was to experience those things TOGETHER. I totally understand where youre coming from and while I dont have any advice, I wish you the best of luck!
@bakerella = *hugs* I totally understand how you feel. Talk to your FI about how it makes you feel and if he goes, don't let it become a habit, i.e. his friend taking him on a world tour without you or something!, if it bothers you
Sorry on another note, we each do spend time apart doing our own thing (guys nights, girls nights). One of the things I love about our relationship is that we really each do have our own lives outside of our relationship, we're not 100% joined at the hip. We prefer being together over being with anyone else, don't get me wrong, but he has lots of guys snowboarding trips over the winter, meets up for pints or movies, etc etc. I spend a lot of time with my family and have girls nights sporadically as well. It's not like we do everything together.
Agreed though, if someone were to offer me a trip like that I would jump on it. But I also just find it kind of weird. Maybe I should make some rich friends and I would get over it faster?! LOL! At the end of the day, he's obviously going to go and I'm going to be happy for him having such a great time (and also be jealous of him having a great time gallavanting in Europe while I'm home taking care of the cats but whatever).
I did make sure to communicate to him last night though that I want more time for just the two of us, not the two of us and his son every other weekend, I need my own time with him. I appreciate that he's working so hard to save money for us but I don't want that to take a toll on our relationship. He said he would come home early tomorrow from work so I'm going to hold him to it and hide all cellphones and laptops to make sure we get some good quality time.
Aww... I totally understand how you feel. FI just got to go to Whistler for a week, totally free of charge, with his friends to watch the Olympics. Got to go to a bunch of events for free and I didn't get to go. I was sooo jealous. SO upset. I would never want to take a trip like that without FI, and I couldn't fathom why he would even consider going without me.
In the end, he went, I stayed home and spent the week doing stuff with my girlfriends, he ended up saying how much he missed me. Has you FI been to Europe before? Would you be feeling different about it if this trip had happened, say, two years ago and not right before your wedding? It's kind of an amazing opportunity.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I know exactly how you feel. It's sucky. :( **hugs**!
@Miss Root - Okay I'd be doubly p!ssed if I were you! He went to the Olympics without you?! Are you friggin kidding me?! If someone offered to take me to the Olympics and a bunch of events I'd move hell and high water to make sure FI could come with!!! Although reading what you said, I also have to pause and think would I want to deprive him of that opportunity? If it was impossible for you to go with, would it be fair to make him stay? The flip side is such a pain in the butt. LOL!
FI has been to Europe before (both on GM's dime to Amsterdam and other times with an ex-GF and other friends I think). Two years ago I think I wouldn't have been this upset about it, agreed. The timing is terrible. Like most groom's he's not super involved in the planning process, but I think come May or June (most likely when they'll go, he already told the GM he would not go within 2 months of the wedding) there's going to be a lot to do and I'll want his help!
I think sometimes too I feel like our private life gets torn in so many directions and I know FI feels the same way. Work, friends, family, and then his son every other weekend. There's a lot that goes on. We have friends over for dinner usually at least once a week. Our time together is so precious to both of us a week apart sort of feels like an eternity to me you know? Or maybe that's just a sign of really being in love, LOL. He's going to go, he's going to have fun, I'll give another one of his friend's strict instructions that he's to buy me something shiny while he's there to make me feel better and everything will be fine.
I side with GirlWithARing on this one. FI regularly leaves me behind for boring conferences in cool places, but he always ALWAYS gives me the option to go. In "fun" trips though, I've made it clear that if he isn't willing to include me, I'm not ok with him going--he has gone to places I've never been.
Also, can he afford a week off of work? Will he be burning through "honeymoon vacation time" to do it? If so I'd be nixing this trip faster than lightning... because that's not fair. Neither is a wedding gift that only FI can enjoy.
Good luck with this one.. I'd feel the same as you.
He works for himself, so taking a week off means making up for it later really. It's not like he has an allotted number of vacation days a year, so we're lucky in that sense. I told him last night though that if this was a wedding present then I was ridiculously mad and I deserve to come too. I don't think GM could possibly be *that* stupid though. I think he just wants to go have fun and he has the money to pay for his friends to go with him. Weird, not something I would do, but whatever floats your boat I guess.
Part of me wants to book the upgrade package to our photographer as revenge. Like if you're getting something you want, I'm getting something I want but then we'd have to pay for it and that sort of defeats the purpose... LOL. I think I'm just looking for an excuse for the upgrade! LOL!
1. I think you're jealous in a basic has nothing to do with it being your FI or your relationship way. I'm jealous of people with rich generous friends and awesome vacations too!
2. The feeling that you're missing out on 'seeing things with him' and wanting to be there while he has fun - there are sooo many events in a life time that I wouldn't worry about this. You've got years and years ahead. I think it's good to enjoy stuff separately - which you usually do.
3. Your couple time is severly limited right now and this takes up a whole week! That's a problem. Don't know what to say about that. *hugs*
Solution: I think you really really need something super fun in the near future. Make plans for something that gets you really excited. Money is not the only way to have a blast! You need to carve out time to make yourself happy - then you won't care so much that he gets this trip. You need something to look forward to. Aaaand, if he sees you really happy and excited about something that has nothing to do with him... he might get just a tiny little bit worried and pouty.
P.S. If I had more money I would totally pay for my friends to go with me on trips. So I don't think that part is weird.
I didn't get to go to the Olympics because 1) I don't have enough vaca time to take off for a week to go to Whistler and 2) I don't think I was invited. Which was ok in the end.... but... let me tell you, knock-down-drag-out arguments did ensue. :)
I think there is an underlying thing going on which is that you're feeling a little emotionally neglected because not only has your man been busy with a million different things, NOW he wants to jet off to Europe for a few weeks with his buddies and leave you all alone. The timing of it probably couldn't be worse for you. :( I think you should maybe talk to your FI and let him know you're feeling like he hasn't had a lot of time for you lately. Maybe you guys need to schedule some more "couple time". I'm feeling kind of the same way you are right now, my FI has been out of town a lot for stuff and when he's home, he's working on a big project for work and we have barely spoken. We're taking some time this weekend to just be together so I think that will help.
I would feel the same way as you do. A trip to Europe isn't a everyday event. It's a luxury, it's a special event, it's a once-in-a-lifetime for most people. And if you haven't gone there together and shared that experience first, I would be annoyed too! There has to be a more scaled-back option for them.
But let his GM know that I can install title for him and he can pay me in a trip to Europe! Who does that?!?!
Ya I think the feelings of "guys alliance" in this friend group are a little out of whack. I should have gotten about 800 free trips to Europe if we were going by how many hours of free labour you offer to friends! LOL!
I might be able to provide your fiance's perspective on this. After a year+ of dating, I went to India for 2 weeks with one of my best girlfriends. My boyfriend (now fiance) made some jokes about not being invited, etc beforehand. And later, he said he wouldn't want to travel without me so it was a little hard for him to understand why I could be happy traveling without him.
I was kind of surprised because from my perspective, I really value my independence and my own friends, and traveling is a huge part of that and something I really enjoy. I've traveled a lot on my own and with friends before I ever met my fiance. And much as I love him and seeing things with him, sometimes I also value those experiences with other people as well. A lot of my married girlfriends are actually the same way. Anyways, we had a long discussion about that and agreed that in the future, before I made any big trip plans (short weekend trips excepted), we would sit down and discuss it. He would try to understand that I do need space and independence, while I would try to be more cognizant of his feelings.
I think you guys should sit down and discuss how to address these kinds of "opportunities" in the future. For this trip tho, it sounds like you understand that he really wants to go and you want him to be happy and do it. And it's great to make sure he also carves out couple time for you and for you to also carve out time for yourself! Can you sign up for some midday yoga or something to break up the day for yourself? Working at home is a really lonely experience, I know. Also, I think you should plan something for yourself during the time he's gone--maybe a girls slumber party at your place (order pizza, watch chick flicks, and gossip!) or book a day at the spa or just organize a group hike or something. It'll be a mini-break for you!
@GummyBear - Fair enough. We probably should have some sort of a discussion or ground rule going forward. It's just weird to me because we've never needed that, we've always just ended up being happy about whatever was going on. Maybe I identify more with your FI. I wouldn't want to do such a cool trip without my FI, so I don't get why he would do it without me. I do value our time apart and our own lives but I guess the big cool stuff I want to experience together. The most we've travelled together is Florida or Vancouver. Fun but not Europe you know? It's so beautiful and romantic, I want to experience it with him because it would be totally different than when I went when I was single. Planning something while he's gone is a good idea. I think the whole thing warrants more discussion and trying to explain where I'm coming from even though I think I did a good job last night.
Well, I do know one thing...he'd better get you an awesome gift from Europe!! :)
Honestly If I was offered a free trip to Europe I couldnt pass it up. I would expect my FI to let me go but I would understand how he felt too. I would be insanely jealous if my FI went to Europe without me! Plus I wouldnt want to hear for the next 10 years about whats all cool in europe. I really wished I had some good advice for you. But I dont other then I would SO feel the same way....((hugs))
FI thinks this is all hilarious. I told him what all of you said and he just keeps shaking his head at me and laughing and calling me a nut. At this point I'm pretty much over being mad about it, but I'm still jealous of course.
@GummyBear - His response to your comment was "What's with women and presents?!". LOL! I don't know why he hasn't figured out that shiny=happy yet ;)
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Beekeeper
Okay so I'm going to start this by saying that what I'm feeling is probably 99% jealousy and completely unwarrented but you can't change the way you feel right? Last night I overheard FI talking on the phone with one of his GM. We live in a pretty small house with thin walls and he talks loud so it's nearly impossible not to hear him. Anywho, he said something about a "European vacation". So I asked him later what was going on. Turns out all the GM want to have a week long trip to Europe which one of the GM has offered to pay for FI and another GM (who's broke). This is also apparently not the bachelor party. All but one of the GM are going and they're meeting up with FI's cousin who lives in England while they're there. That's not a bachelor party?!
I have a whole jumble of feelings which I'll try to sort through and at the end I know I should really just get over it but I can't. First off, I think extravagent let's travel across the world bachelor/bachelorette parties are ridiculous. Sorry but just my opinion. I have other things to spend money on and save money for. The point of the party is to spend time celebrating with your friends which doesn't have to be a $5000 trip across the bloody world. If you can afford it, wonderful, but I'm at the age where the majority of my friends are still trying to pay off school and start careers and really don't have the extra cash to do it.
I don't understand why this GM is paying for himself and two other people and why FI and his buddy would let him do that. FI also let him pay for four of them to go to Amsterdam a couple years ago. Or rather this dude bought the tickets and then told them all. It makes me think of some rich benefactor or something. FI thought maybe it was a wedding present, which made me kind of mad. Isn't a wedding present supposed to be a gift towards the bride and groom's future? How does FI going to Europe for a week improve our future together?!
Then I got jealous because, heck, who wouldn't want some rich friend to pay for a trip to Europe for a bunch of you?! As previously stated, all my friends are broke and I'm probably the best off of all of us. But even if one of my friends were super loaded I'm not sure they would make that offer.
Another jealousy point: I don't want him to go and have this grand European adventure without me! I've been to Europe quite a few times (I'm very fortunate!) but we've never gone together. I hate the idea that he would get to go and do all this fun cool stuff and I don't get to be there with him. I also don't want him to be gone for a week. I hate sleeping in the house alone and I work from home so I'd just be here, by myself, for a week. Booooooring.
To compound this all, FI has been working a lot lately and I've been feeling pretty lonely. The time he has taken off work he's constantly answering phone calls, emailing and writing up invoices. He works most weekends, and the weekends he doesn't it's because we have his son, so it's not exactly like we get tons of quality time on those weekends.
So yes I'm totally jealous and I realize that I should be happy for him but I'm being petty and I'm not. I want to go and have fun and I want to do it with him! I don't want to feel left behind :( Sorry for the long rant. I had to wait since last night to get it out since this all happened right before bed. Grr.