Post # 1
SO hadn’t really seriously dated anyone before me… just flings here and there. The main reason was because he was in love with this woman for several years. From what I gather, she sort of kept him on the back burner and was never really interested enough to be with him, but they did have a pretty close friendship that included having “relations” on a few occasions. A few months back a mutual friend disclosed to me that before he met me, he was crushed and heartbroken because she had recently gotten engaged. He deleted her from social media and stopped all contact with her. I hadn’t really thought about it much, water under the bridge… until she refriends him on facebook.
I noticed it and asked him what that was all about, because I knew he had previously gone out of his way to defriend her. I also found it odd that she friended him a day after he changed his picture to a picture of the two of us. He told me if it bothered me he would delete her. I said no you don’t have to do that. I inquired a little more about her and he disclosed that she had apparently broken off her engagement. I started feeling kind of uncomfortable so we stopped talking about it.
I suppose the thing that concerns me is that he was still very much infatuated with her around the time he met me. She is quite attractive and established, so that makes it a bit harder to stomach as well. Granted, he fell for me and tells me he wants to marry me all the time. I just can’t help but feel a little jealous and concerned now that this woman is reaching out to him and no longer engaged. I was quite enjoying our relationship without the queasy feeling that he may be in contact with someone he was in love with. Not sure how much thought I should give this? Do I insist he block this woman? Do I muster up the trust to accept them having a friendship again… if it leads to that? Ugh. Stupid green eyes monster raring its ugly head.
This topic was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by Anna113619.
Post # 2
Don’t feel jealous girl! Feel smug. It’s obvious she only wanted to friend him because of the photo of you two. She’s probably really nosy and wanting to see as much as she can. He seems very laid back and uncaring about it, which is good. I would take his cue and not think about it too much.
Post # 3
Anna113619: ugh, this is a tough one. If it were me, I would be pretty green too! I think that if he hadn’t gotten her out of his system, I might just cut him loose, because I am just not one of those people that is okay being the next one in line. On the other hand, if you believe it truly is “over” in terms of his feelings for her, then I would have a chat with him about remaining disconnected. Exes have no place on fb, peering into your private lives. They also shouldn’t be toying with re-connecting, for the obvious reasons. Why chance stirring up something?
Post # 4
Anna113619: I’ll be honest, I would not be ok with my FI being friends with a woman like that again. We are on friendly terms with some of our exs/past flings, but I would never refriend someone whom I had felt that strongly for or was really hurt by.
It sounds to me like this woman was very important to him in the past, and he may just have a lingering soft spot for her and it might be no big deal. If I ran into the first guy I fell in love with, I’d want to have a little chat for old times sake, but then I’d move on with my life. I wouldn’t want to re-establish a friendship with him.
How long have you two been together, and has he ever given you a reason to doubt him? Also, how long was he infatuated with her? And how long ago did he end things with her?
I had a hard time hanging out with my FI at first; we were still just friends at the time but I liked him and he had already made it clear that he wanted to be with me. I was still hungup on my ex but I didn’t want to be; FI stuck it out and helped me though it, and I’m really grateful that he was there for me.
You need to make sure that there isn’t any lingering baggage, and you also need to make sure that he has gotten the closure that he needed to really move forward with his life.
Good luck. xoxo
Post # 5
Don’t worry about it. He may have been in love with her for years, but she obviously didn’t feel the same way. Eventually that’s a deal breaker, and sounds like it was for your SO. I’m sure that even if she tried to be too chummy with him now he’d be like “wtf lady, you were too good for me before apparently, too bad you had your chance.” Besides he has you! And you sound like a pretty easy going and caring SO since you didn’t immediately go all crazy and demand he block her.
Play it cool. You are the one he loves and you have the upper hand. If anything I bet this chick will be jealous of you!
Post # 6
MrsRoberts52: We have only been together since last spring. I told him initially that I wasn’t going to be his back up plan and if he was still in love with her to tell me. He said he was over it, that I was better than her, he loved me… he made sure to completely reassure me. Regardless, we had only just started dating so maybe he was just convincing himself. I don’t know, I try not to be too naive.
Our relationship has grown quite a bit in 6 months. He has not given me a reason to doubt his fidelity. I just feel uneasy about this because of how deeply he cared for her + an engagement broken off? That is odd and I do not know details. So of course I am wondering “did she decide she loves my SO?!” All sorts of scenarios buzzing through my head.
Post # 7
Anna113619: You need to have a very open and honest convo with him about this. You need to know where he stands, and you deserve some peace of mind.
Post # 8
Honestly, I would take him up on his offer to delete her. From the way you said it, it doesn’t sound like he felt that it would be a big deal to do so but I’m sure it will be a big deal to you… not having to think about it!
I hated feeling the same way as you did about DH’s ex but he was more resistant towards deleting her at the time because of mutual friends and what they might think. It ate me up inside knowing that she could monitor us on there! It took months before we found out she had been talking about us behind our back (she STILL does, years later), which finally prompted him to delete her. Good riddance!
If you can avoid all that nonsense, you’ll be a lot happier.
Post # 9
I think your initial reaction was correct, you didn’t want to just tell him ”yes, delete that woman” and sound like the bad guy, I understand that. However, it’s obvious you were trying to be polite more than you were truly sincere about not wanting him to delete her from his Facebook account. Since he’s the one who suggested to unfriend her, I think you should discuss the issue with him, since it does bother you. You can tell him after giving it a thought, you would feel more comfortable if he indeed unfriended her.
Sometimes, by wanting to be polite and appear selfless, you end up allowing manipulative and negative people around you. It’s not about controlling your partner’s social circle, it’s about making sure you’re surrounded by people who will not bring their negativity along. I think it’s perfectly acceptable for a couple to discuss together if the people they befriend are worthy of their friendship and trust (and if not, to unfriend them).
Post # 10
Anna113619: She might have friended him again because she feels safer since he is with someone else and she won’t have to worry about him not being over her.
Post # 11
nycsa: Another thing, she may be taking interest in him now that he’s found someone else and that could be dangerous. She may be wondering if she’s still got a foot in the door even if she’s not serious about pursuing anything with him.
Post # 12
I wouldn’t “insist” that he block her. Him being friends with her on Facebook should have no bearing on whether he strays from you or not. IMO, if a guy has to actually block another girl in order to prevent something from going on between them, there are bigger issues to worry about.
Post # 13
I was in a similar situation – except that of your SO. I really liked a guy for many years. He hurt me. I am now married to my DH. Guy tries to refriend me. I did not accept the request because there is no point… I’m married, I love my DH, there is nothing that this guy could do that would add to my life.
Your SO should NOT have accepted the friend request. It will NOT lead to anything good to be honest, especially if your SO was so hurt from it. Nothing good will come out of it. I think you should definitely have a very honest conversation and take him up on the offer to delete the friendship.
Post # 14
This reminds me of my SO’s ex. She didn’t have the time of day for him for years… until he met me. They were together for a while back in the day, he was head over heels for her and she basically just strung him along so she wouldn’t be lonely. They lost contact and as soon as he met me, she “happened” to refriend him on Facebook. She sent him a message out of the blue saying something like “I was thinking about that time we went to X with my family… Remember?” She just wants what she can’t have and didn’t like that the attention wasn’t on her anymore. That being said, he’s mine, just as your SO is yours! We were having dinner just the other day and out of nowhere my SO said “You know, I told X that I loved her, but I didn’t. Everything with you is so different. I care about you on such a deeper level.. This is love.” I’m sure your SO feels the same way. As for the social media thing… I don’t think there is any reason for them to be friends on there. I’m on good terms with my ex but we don’t have any ties and I don’t feel that we need any. I would take him up on the offer to delete her. But hey, if you don’t feel comfortable doing that, look at it as a way for her to see the happy pictures of you two 🙂