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Oh god…I am having a bridal moment and feeling down
I love my friends…but at the same time..I don’t always feel like I have the best friends .I don’t always feel like I have people that give back as much as I give out……and they are all young and broke.
Here is what happened:talking to my bridesmaid/best friend last night and we are talking about the shower and she tells me that she doesn’t know if she can even give me a gift at the shower. (She recently started her own spa and isn't making any money at all. She did just get another job..but doesn't start getting paid for a month(I told her that it isn’t about the money…but she is my bridesmaid and she really needs to make an effort. She can give gift certificate to get a massage from her….or a facial from her friend…..
But it is SO them ….it is so typical of this girl….to never have money..Yet somehow blow money on clothes…but never have the money to help if you need it. It really hurts my feelings. If I was a “typical” bride and had to rely on my maids to give me my shower and party…would I even GET a party?
I am just frustrated. I wish I had maids who were more adult and had it together. It really hurts my feelings. I also have no money but am trying so hard to pull off this wedding which included getting THEM gifts. It is hard as it is to ask people to help me…..or buy thier own dresses or whatever. I am used to not being able to expect anything. It’s hard. It’s not about the money at all. I understand that she is really broke. It’s that she is kinda selfish…..and WILL have money to shop or blow $130 on a bike….but because she is used to playing the role of the “broke young person” she doesn’t take responsibility and feel that she needs to “give” to anyone.
It’s hard…I don’t know how to really explain this satiation to you. It’s hard to really properly explain her personality.But it sucks. I read these blogs and see girls with friends who do so much. I haven’t asked for anything. I haven’t asked for any help so far from ANYONE…
I already assume that my maids are broke and am not expecting them to pay for much. But there are also basic things that I "should" get as a birde...and that includes my people paying for me to be able to go out and have a bachelorette party......and it includes most time hosting and throwing my shower. Since they are IN my wedding...I do kinda assume that they are to get me a gift for the shower....even if it costs less than $20. It's the thought behind it. It's the fact that they made an effort.
So…….I am just feeling really down today…..feeling like I have a bunch of slacker friends…
Can you share with me your experience? Its hard when you read the blogs. You get this image of how you think things are always done' You think what you are reading and seeing is "normal". It would be nice to hear from other women who are in the same spot as me. Is this image of freinds going to the ends of the earth for you...is this not all "real"? I see bridal showers with handmade inviations and decorations that must have taken DAYS. But is there are flipside to this? Are there peopel out there who DIDN"T have people fall all over themselves to help? Did you have a bridesmaid who you loved, but wasn't able to or willing to help or give much of thier time and/or money?
Do you have any advice? Or atleast words of wisdom so I don't feel so alone in my situation with my maids?
Well, my ladies are all broke, too. We did e-vites for my shower and bachelorette party, and my mom is actually paying for most of the stuff because my girls are pretty broke. I've respected this, and at the same time, I am paying for their entire ensemble for the day, including dress, jewelry, hair, etc. The dress is their gift. I feel like I "should" get them something more tangible, but the cash flow is running low.
That being siad, my mom commented that they DO need to chip in b/c that is their job and suggested they all go in on a limo for my bachelorette party. I do expect some kind of a gift, though, but when I was broke, I alwyas brought food. Even if one of my girls brings me a homemade cake, I'd be just as happy with that. It's the thought that counts!
All this handmade invite, over-the-top lavish thing, well, I'm one of those friends. If i do something, I go balls to the walls. But I don't expect taht of everyone else.
I love my friends and they are there for me, and I do expect some output of bridal jobs from them, but I also don't want them to be overwhelmed by this. I think sometimes reading the blogs make you go "oh wow mine sucks in comparison!" but there will always be someone out there with the time and effort to go above and beyond. So try not to worry about it. As long as they love you and are good friends, that is more important than what they do and buy you. Although some effort IS appreciated. Maybe you have to drop some hints to your MOH, or even bring up the fact taht she spent X on a new purse or something. If she has her own spa, I think she should TOTALLY offer you a free service of some kind, how great would that be?! That'd be awesome. The money thing is a common excuse--my cousin can't "afford" to come to my wedding but goes on vacations all the time, so my mom was like, "hmmm...yeah, right". Wish i had some more advice for you. i wouldn't say I have slacker friends, but they aren't exactly jumping through crazy hoops, either. Just the basics kind of stuff. I don't know anyone in my life who is a hoop jumper except for me though. 
ummm.....I am sorry. I really don't get your post. Maybe becasue I am not the kind of person who expects/obligates receiving gifts from anyone. I personally feel that when someone gives me something they are doing too much for me. I only have one BM/MOH and she did throw me a bridal shower and really appreciated all she did for me. Having that said, I shopped for the food with her, even paid for of it, and helped her decorate the place for the shower. Out of all my "friends" only about 7 come, I it made me feel really good eventhough it was a small group. All I got from my bridal shower was a book, and a nice candle, that is enough for me. The fact that someone tried, even if it was mininal I appreciate always.
Again, I am sorry you are feeling this way.
Um, this is purely my opinion but... I don't think that there is anything that your BMs SHOULD have to get you as a bride. I'm not having a shower, a party, or anything. When people ask me what they should get us as wedding gifts, I say their presence is gift enough. My MOH is across the province, and can't really help me with planning. She is a young student, so she definitely doesn't have much money and I would never demand that she throw me a shower or give me a gift...
On the other hand, I can understand how you feel left out with a lot of blogs showing really crazy neat showers and parties for the bride. Sometimes I feel that way. But each situation is different, and each bride is different. However, I would certainly apologize to the BM that you said that she should at least get you a gift from her own store - if that BM was me, I would have found that approach rude.
Again, just me.
I am in a similar situation, although, I am not at the point where they are throwing me showers or my bachelorette party. But I am sure once we get to the point It will be the same way. My friends are the same way. I picked the cheapest bridesmaids dress I could find and it took them so long to get the money to pay for the dress that we had to told off ordering them. Even though the girl we had to wait for just bought an Iphone! I understand that she works and goes to school part time, but I understand your frustration. They knew that they were in my wedding since January, so saving $20 a month doesn't seem too much to ask for.
I just try to be patient and honestly haven't really talked to them much about the wedding. I am the first one out of my friends to get married, so I don't think they understand how hard it is to plan a wedding and that it makes it so much easier to have cooperative bridesmaids. Just wait til it is there turn. I know that is sad and it sucks, but it is not worth me getting upset right now.
I hope things get easier for you!
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I agree that sometimes I think it's hard to see all of the complicated parties that get thrown for fellow "bees". Just try to remember, that these girls are your friends for a reason. If something really bothers you, like this, talk it out on WeddingBee first, get your feelings out in the open, and then re-approach it with you friend in a more calm manner and see what she has to say. I know sometimes half the battle is getting it off your chest, maybe this is one of those times?
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Oh, Spraguebride, I'm so sorry! I completely understand how you feel.. we read all these things in blogs and on boards about how these amazing BMs and MOHs throw these lavish bridal showers and bachelorette parties with hand-made embossed invitations with personalized stamps, and how they baked little mini-wedding cakes and DIY-ed charming little photo frame favors and what-have-you... but is that how it's "really" supposed to be? I say no, not really. I think your 'maids should be your nearest and dearest, and while yes, part of the responsibility of accepting your invitation to be a BM is doing things for the bride, like hosting (or at least helping) showers and parties, this isn't always the case for every bride. Personally, I think some girls nowadays don't realize that ACCEPTING your invitation to be a BM (you asked them to be a part of your big day, by no means do we brides INSIST on certain girls being BMs. They could have said no!) they are taking on a position of some responsibility that requires at least a decent effort. Maybe you should talk to your friend about this... perhaps she didn't realize that by agreeing to be a BM then she would have to do these things. Maybe she thought "Cool, all I have to do is put on a dress and show up!".
Good luck!
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I'm sorry that you're feeling let down but understand that your wedding won't be the same priority it is for you as it is for your bridesmaids. I'm assuming you chose your bridal party based on the relationship you have with them - and not because of their financial situation. In my honest opinion - I don't think your bm's need to throw you a shower..I don't expect mine to either...there are no expectations. I have asked them to be MY bm's b/c I want people I love standing with me when I get married. And if they DID throw a shower - I would take that as a gift and wouldn't need anything else in addition to that (same goes for the b-party). Either way - I hope things work out between you and your bm's.
i understand your frustration... i know there are lots of people saying you shouldn't "expect" a gift from them, etc., but i agree that it's hard to have BMs throw up their hands and say "i don't have money, so i guess i can't do any bridesmaid stuff... see you at the wedding!" without putting thought into some gesture. it's easy to get wrapped up in who is giving what to whom, but what i hear coming through is that you're disappointed that they don't seem to be putting time and thought and love in, and you feel neglected.
it seems to me like you need to find a way to get yourself calmed down, regardless of what they do... you're stressing a lot about something that's out of your control.
do you have a mom or sister or aunt who can talk to your BMs? or maybe your FI can? maybe you need someone who is a little calmer and outside the situation to talk to them and say something like "i know money is tight for you, and please don't let this wedding stress you out about finances, but you do all need to find a way to show spraguebride that you love her, and you need to find a way to give her some kind of bachelorette party. it doesn't have to be expensive, it could be a handmade card at the shower, and a middle school-style sleepover party with a few bottles of wine, but the thought does count, and the fact that you seem to have given up on celebrating is hurting spraguebride."
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i think a lot depends on how old your friends are and if any are married themselves. Being the first to get married is a learning experience for the whole group. I was probably a crappy BM the first time...I just paid for what I was told to pay for..I didnt really take the initaivie on anything, I just put out cash because I was able. Now that several from my group are married, we know the routine and expectations.
That being said, I think you need to temper your expectations with where your friends are in life. Most of my friends and myself are established, so of course I got a fancy party and great shower gifts. They could afford it. Now when we were fresh out of college and just starting to get on our feet, the expectations werent for la perla underware or destination bach parties.
@ejs4y8 - your mom's comments sound a lot like my thoughts haha
I guess there is a basic debate that goes deeper than my issue, and that is what obligations if any does a wedding party member have?</font>
I knew nothing about how all this worked before I got engaged. I have turned to blogs and books and magazine. All of them tell you what is standard and how things typically work. My opinion of what is to be "expected" comes from what I have been told and what I have seen. It's not that I on my own decided to make rules for my maids. It's just that this is what I have been told. I included and inner envelope on my invites because that is what I was TOLD was standard. My mom is walking last down the aisle because this is what I was TOLD to do. I do have a mind of my own...haha but I have really turned to the etiquette standards to know what to expect since I have never done this before :-)
But in terms of this bridesmaid stuff......we all may have different opinions, but I don't think I am asking for anything out of this world. I was told what I was to expect from a bridesmaid.......and everything tells me that maids host your shower and party. That they give you a gift. Maybe I have been mislead......but that's another issue in itself. My issue isn't if I am being selfish or asking for too much
My issues are how to deal with feeling let down? How to feel like your maids are not meeting the standard. Maybe the wedding industry is to blame for these standards
I am not looking for people to tell me I am "right". I just wanted hear from other people who also didn't have their maids to alot. Maybe I have been totally misled by all these books. That's what I asked "is this stuff even real?" Are the books and blogs misleading? Are there other brides out there who have "broke" maids and who haven’t had their maids do much for them
My bridesmaids weren't broke, but I didn't except anything from them at all. I didn't have a shower or bachelorette party and I didn't care at all. All they "need" to do is stand up with you on your wedding day and be your friend.
Most books and websites about weddings are designed to make you think about all the things you need to buy in order to make your wedding perfect. Really its just a ploy to get you and everyone around you to spend money. Try not to think about the wedding and events leading up to it as a mechanism for getting things, and think of it as a way to express your love for your fiance to your friends and family.
Were you clear with them about how much it would cost when you asked them? Maybe if she had known what you wanted out of her she would have stepped down.
I don't expect gifts or parties from my BMs, just them showing up so I can enjoy their company and honor the support they've always given us. Mine certainly aren't hosting a shower (a couple in the area might help out, maybe), and if they're all rounded up for a bachelorette party, I know none of them has the money to pay for themselves AND me out on the town for a whole evening. I told them all to not bother with gifts - I felt terrible asking them to pay for their own dresses.
What matters more than what you see other BMs do on blogs etc is what YOU expect and if you clarify it. If your BM knew that you wanted x, y, and z as part of your bridal treatment and is willfullly just ignoring it, she should make both your lives easier and step down. But I think unless someone is TOLD, they really may not understand what you want their role to be. Hell, if someone asked me to be a BM before I started planning my wedding, I would have been complaining about spending $$ and not aware of duties either.
Although I know you are upset and are looking for support, I have to be honest and say that you should never "expect" a gift. You also can't assume that your wedding is at the top of anyone's priority list. You may think a bike is less important than your gift, but in her mind she might have been wanting/needing a bike for a long time. By the way $130 is relatively inexpensive for a bike. You chose to have a wedding and you can't hold people to your expectations. Showers and bachelorette parties are events that people may or may not throw for you, it is not by any means a requirement. Planning those things are stressful, expensive, and time consuming. Again, it would be great if they did that for you but you surely can't expect it.
I think the best advice I can offer to you is that if you are ever a bridesmaid for a friend that you do all the things for that bride that you wish were done for you. Don't be mad at your friends and just look at the bright side and focus on your upcoming marriage to the man of your dreams!
spraqbride - after reading your response to everyone's comments I think I can say that you have been mislead. It's very true that wedding mags, blogs, books etc do say that is proper for the bridesmaids to host the shower. However, showers cost money and more times than not, the maids can't handle that. Where I live, it is the norm for the bride's mom to pay for the shower while the maids take care of the decor/favors etc. So really, what these sources are telling you isn't always necessarily true.
I would also like to address your acceptance of these standards and bare with me, b/c I don't want to sound rude. But, you are an adult and shouldn't believe everything you read. It would have made sense for you to discuss these standards with your bridesmaids so that you could understand what they wanted to do and what they are capable of doing. From what you've told us, your friends aren't likely to spend money on other people so that also should have raised a flag for you as to what you could expect.
It's perfectly OK to feel disappointed in your friends. We have all been there. But I think there comes a time in all of our lives when we need to recognize what people can give and what they can't. I'm a giver and a doer but some of my friends aren't. I certainly don't expect them to recipricate my actions simply b/c I did them in the first place. I do them, b/c its my way. I finally understand, after many years, that I can't expect the exact same treatment from others. What I can expect is for them to be the best friend they know how to be. If their best isn't enough for me, it's up to me to no longer be their friend.
To address your original post - if you want a shower, discuss it with your family. See what they can do for you. A light lunch at someone's house doesn't cost that much and can be very lovely.
Don't feel bad for feeling let down or disappointed in your maids! I've found every step of the way through our planning that people are constantly disappointing us--saying they'll help with something and then going MIA, offering to do something and then never doing it, etc. Even if you're not trying to use anyone's help, there's so much room for people to disappoint, and I'm not talking about money-related stuff, either. It's sad to say, but we're trying to do everything ourselves just so we don't have to 'bother' people.
I've also been dealing with a lot of maid frustration. I have some of my BMs that are mad that my MOH keeps asking ME to contact them about shower/bach party-related stuff when she should be doing it. And my fiance is annoyed that I'm so involved in the planning that the BMs should be taking care of. I think about what I did for these girls for THEIR weddings, and it seems like it will never 'even itself out' as far as who did what for whom, if that makes any sense.
In the end, you kind of just have to let it go--people are only going to do what they want to do, and can only be held accountable to a certain extent. It might be super frustrating to you that one of your BMs doesn't have money to spend on a gift for you but can buy a ton of new clothes or take a long vacation somewhere, but really, there's nothing you can do about it! It's not our place to tell people how to spend their money or how to devote their time. I know they signed up to be in your bridal party, but brides can't prioritize their maids' lives for them. And I've learned you definitely can't look at it as, well I did this for your wedding, you should do it for mine. Seems strange, but I guess it doesn't work that way!
As cheesy as it sounds, just try to enjoy this time in your life with your fiance, and try not to think about the stuff that upsets you! That's what I've been trying to do! The drama isn't worth it!!
Let me tell you what my ladies did. They planned a shower with my mother's help. They told my mom they were contributing, and they planned most of the shower. I had 60 people attend, so it wasn't cheap. I had a beautiful shower at a restaurant. In the end, my bridesmaids left my mom with the bill!!! My mom never knew how much they were planning to contribute, maybe that was her fault. They left the party without so much as mentioning a thing to my mom. No one has mentioned anything since and my mom isn't going to call and ask them for money. I felt terrible about it! I'm trying not to hold a grudge. I swear that as soon as the bill came, they bolted!!!
@atomix
hahah! that is terrible!!! Thanks for telling me your "horror" story. Your poor mom!! :-(
yeah, seriously!! And they all have very good jobs and such, and I felt like they could have contributed something! AND, they didn't get me a gift! That's fine, they're in my wedding....though their dresses were $40! So it's not like I'm asking them to break the bank. Good times. :)
Commuication is key, and when you have broke BMs its hard to expect them to pay for the shower, buy a gift for the shower, pay for the bachelorette party, buy a gift for the bachelorette party along with drinks & dinner for the party, buy BM dress, shoes, etc, plus a wedding gift. IMO the wedding industry has gotten out of control and asking BMs to pay for all this is a little much, IMO.
Plus, its not a matter of just being broke, but when you add up all those costs, its hard to swallow for any person. For a wedding that i will be in June, I've paid for a shower gift, bachelorette party gift & decorations, part of her food & drinks, a second shower gift, $170 BM dress, hotel room for 2 nights, and her wedding present. After its all said and done I would of spent like $600+ on her wedding. I know shes not doing it on purpose being the bright eyed bride we will all be, but its alot of money!
@spraguebride - I totally know how you feel. It's not about the presents - it is about your friends recognizing that your wedding is a big deal and making it a priority. You get one wedding. Most likely you will get one shower. Bridesmaids, no matter how young or inexperienced, should know that being a bridesmaid means (at the minimum) buying a dress, coming to your shower, and standing up with you at your wedding.
One of my bridesmaids (my best friend from middle school on) recently told me that she might not be able to make it to my shower because she did not feel like driving all the way to it. She does not live really close (4.5 - 5 hours away), but her mom lives in the town where it is being held and she is quite wealthy and could fly if she chose. This was very hurtful to me - she had known the date of my shower since January and it is being held in June. Also, I know last weekend she drove to our hometown outside Philly then hopped a train to NYC on Saturday to visit other friends. It just made me feel like she did not consider my shower to be important, or realize that as one of my very best friends I would like to have her with me.
However, my maid of honor (sister) has really bent over backwards to coordinate my shower, and I feel very lucky to have her.
I'm sorry that your friend is not making your wedding a priority. It sounds like both of our friends have some growing to do and are being pretty selfish. I hope that you have a wonderful shower anyway!
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I get it. I do. My sister is one of those people who is always broke, never has money to help pay for dinner or to buy her little sister a birthday card. Yet SOMEHOW always has money to blow on DVDs, camping gear, new clothes... when you are the one who always goes the distance for your friends it can be hurtful to feel overlooked when the tables are turned.
On the other hand, I doubt she is doing this out of spite or to hurt you... some people just don't have self-control when it comes to money. It's easy to spend it on things you want, and then regret not having it when there is something (or someONE) genuine of which it could be spent.
Hugs!
Miss Rain
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Ugh...ladies, I'm so sorry to hear your horror stories!
@spraguebride - though I can't say I understand how you feel (my bridesmaids were great), I would also be upset. In my group of friends, we each chip in for each others' birthdays every year. It's usually just $20/person for a gift card to spoil yourself! There are 5 of us, so an $80 gift card is usually what is given. Well, we have one friend who always seems to not have any money when the birthdays come around, yet she can afford a new iMac every 2 years. Funny enough, when it's her birthday, she expects an $80 gift card! It's so frustrating! So, though it's not nearly the magnitude you're talking about, it's sort of the same concept.
I'm so sorry that your bridesmaids are always playing the poor card. I hope that when their weddings come around, you just reciprocate their kindness 
I might have to come back to some of this later. But before I forget.. sorry to get off topic, but spraguebride, you said your mom was walking down the aisle last. Or did you mean your MOH? Was that last, as in right before you? I thought that was so odd, the you read that someplace, because that is not accurate. (Of course you can do what you WANT.) But if you wat to go with tradition, the moms walk down pretty much first. (MOG before MOB). Then the bridesmaids. Then the MOH.
OK, sorry. I'll post again in a bit.
@spraguebride I think the best way to deal with the disappointment is to adjust your own expectations. You have to accept that people have their own budgets and priorities. I don't think you should judge a friend negatively for choosing to spend on things they enjoy instead of spending for you.
I was frustrated and emotional when I wrote my 1st post...so I don't think I really said everything correctly or how I wanted to. That is not to say people wouldn't still disagree with what I think and feel...but I just want to clarify some info
@ ehh5000 - "It's not about the presents - it is about your friends recognizing that your wedding is a big deal and making it a priority" You said exactly what I was trying to say. It was so casually said "oh, I don't know if I can even get you anything for your shower". She wasn't saying she didn't think she could afford something and would need to be thoughtful and make me something or give me a massage. It felt like she was saying "I am not going to put any effort in. You are not really that important to me"
My friends are not throwing my shower or party because I never asked them to. My FI Aunt offered to throw the shower right when we got engaged and his sister offered to throw my party. BUT I am of the understanding that those are both traditionally hosted by the bridal party. Thus...when I was feeling really down and "pouty" I was thinking "Geez! If she really isn't going to give any effort at all...what would have happened if I didn't have such nice future in-laws? What if I really needed to depend on them? Would they come through for me?". In this moment I am feeling sad because I am not sure they would. THAT is why I feel sad and let down. Not because of money or a gift.
I haven’t asked anything of them financially other than to pay me back for a $60 dress that I bought for them on sale. I haven’t asked them to throw my shower or party. I am paying for both their hair and make-up because I feel like it isn't fair to ask them to pay for something I am "making" them do. Especially when I know that we are all young and poor. All I had thought the would do was buy me some drinks for my party & give me a small something at my shower and at my wedding. Plus buy their own shoes. I feel that I have already been a very easy bride. Yes, I could have asked nothing of them....but I also could have asked for the moon. So I think I am very balanced in what I am asking of them.
I said I was looking for support....but that doesn't mean I wanted everyone to agree with me. It is good to hear all sorts of thoughts and get perspective. I think I Just meant that I wanted to see if other people had been in this same spot. The blogs and everything seem to really just show off all the wonderful and over the top parties that people have. I don't hear so much about the other side. People post pictures of the cute handmade shower invitations that the host sent them. I have yet to read a blog bragging about the awesome E-Vite she got for her bridal shower. haha!
It is good to hear from others that your maids ALSO have a range from "over the top supportive" to "sticking your mom with the bill"
@tanya 123......sorry, maybe I wrote that wrong. I meant that she is the last person to be seated. So everyone sit. Then his folks walk down the aise...then my mom is escorted to her seat. At least that is what "The Knot" book tells me to do! hahahaha!!!!
First, I can understand feeling disappointed. It comes across like they just aren't happy for you, or don't care. (While I don't know your friends and can't say for surethat they aren't jealous, think your FI is bad for you or whatever...A face value, I don't think that's the case.) Are they like this with each other for various occasions? If so, it's just their nature. I'm like you, sensitive to whether or not people are being as considerate about thins as I feel I am. I think we all have certain expectations. We like to practice what we think is proper. And when otehrs don't do that too, we feel it is rude, or gross, or stupid,etc. (Think about what social rules you have for driving.... not cutting people off, holding up traffic). But I catch myself sometimes doing things I bet other peole find, in their standards as rude, gross, stupid. (Well maybe not gross...) My point being that, we can't always hold people to our expectations of what's proper, or what shows someone how much you care.
It might be hard for us to quite get how she seems free to blow through her money, then say she doesn't have money to spend on others. Is it possible with the new business and second job, she really doesn't have money to spend, at this time?
I totally agree that it would be perfect for her to offer free service as a gift. Is it possible she feels uncomfortable having her friends coing in? Maybe she is afraid people close to her will critique her.
Now I do agree that BMs should help throw or do leg work for a shower. Sometimes there are circumstances that prevent them from doing that (ie. long distance). But hopefully they can offer money in their absence. However, I do take some issue with feeling as though BMs are required to throw a bachelorette. I hope my bride doesn't expect one, because I can't make that commitment. Bachelorettes are a fairly new event. I didn't have one, nor cared to. I don't have anything against them or people who want to have them. But I don't think they should in any way be an obligation. And if they are strapped for cash, IMO, the bach is the first thing to go. And if a bride's mom or sister told me i needed to pay for a bachelorette, I'd be ticked. (Although, I certainly do my part with the shower.)
As for what you read in books. if you didn't know any of this until you read it in a book, how do you know your BMs all know this stuff? Whose to say they were reading books?
I know it can be hard to hear people giving a little criticism. But in wanting to know how to not feel so let down, I think the criticism is a way of trying to get you to see things a little differently, so you don't feel so hurt.
I think it is way easier to remember the negative than the positive. And your sore point is all the other brides who get nice showers. I have some of those feelings too. (About other stuff). I'm debating a lot of career stuff right now, wishing I had gone to graduate school years ago. Now I wonder if it's too late. I come on WB and feel like everyone is a doctor or lawyer. I'm sure that's not the case, but it's my perception. I live in a nice middle class home in a pretty affluent area, where people live in mansions. I feel like everyone is wealthy but me. But I know that based on salary averages we do better than most. But it doesn't feel that way to me. I know it's hard to do sometimes, but you have to try to think about what is so good. And one big thing is marrying your FI.
** Sorry, I just edited my post. I read your last post after I posted mine.:)
I'm really sorry you're feeling this way. But, I don't think that they are obligated to do things or give you gifts just because they are your bridesmaids. I don't really think that it's any of your business how your friend spends her money. Also, maybe she told you that because she is having money issues that you aren't aware of, you never know. You mentioned that she's starting her own spa business, which would leave me to believe that she's probably going to be broke for the next few months.
@ Tanya123
Thanks for all your input. And you are totally right about "the books". I knew none of this stuff before I started reading weddingbee and books. I dunno how I can expect my maids to know this stuff. But then I just have a pitu party because I wish I had maids who were married and knew this stuff. I know I know...I am being impossible! :-)
It is totally a personality thing. She has just kinda taken on that role. She is a younger sister...have moved back in with mom..is 25 yet still always has mom and brother help out...and is used to not having "enough" to ever give and always needing people to help her. So I think I was frustrated to see that in this event..where I had expected a bit more from her..she is just acting the way she always does. It is hard. Hard too because life isn't black and white. You can have people you love..who have qualities you hate. She is a good freind in many ways...but when it comes to giving of herself in any way...she isn't very good at that.
I know people say that you should give without expecting anything in return..but sometimes that is easier said that done. I am someone who really thinks about her freinds. I am someone who goes out of her way.I think that this is something I will learn in time the more I grow up and age. It's hard to not hold people to your standards. It is hard to accept that people are who they are and are not going to change. Even if I am having a wedding..she is who she is..and I knew that when I picked her.
I need to take a lot of you ladies advice and not worry about what these damn books tell me. haha My head gets all scewed about what to expect based on what I see others getting.I told ALL OF THEM when I picked them that I knew they didn't have a ton of moeny and I was picking them becaue I loved them. I told them I didn't expect them to throw the parties..etc. I KNOW my freinds love me. I don't know why I feel like this wedding stuff is a bar to judge them by. Well, I think it is becaue it is so important to me..I judge how they handle it as a statement for how much they care. But I shouldn't have such low self-esteem about how much they do for me. I should just trust that these people love me and thier lack of effort has nothing to do with a lack of love.
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i know what you mean - and yes, i think reading about weddings really changes what you think is the "norm."
but, i just had to post, when i saw your comment "I have yet to read a blog bragging about the awesome E-Vite she got for her bridal shower." i'm not a bee and i didn't really wedding-blog, but my bridesmaids sent out a really awesome e-vite!! LOL!!
I was a little bothered by what you said about your friend when she came to you & said she probably wouldn't be able to buy you a present (regardless of her personal spending habits). Your suggestion of things she could give you instead because YOU felt she needed to give you something was totally rude. You came across as a bridezilla.
Honestly, you've lost what this is all about. In 20 years will you actually remember who bought you those pyrex dishes or will you remember the people who were there supporting you? If you aren't careful you could end up straining those friendships & bonds...
I feel like people need to take it a little easier on spraguebride. It's easy to say that no one should "expect" anything related to their wedding, but you know what...I completely disagree with that. You should expect friendship and support from your closest friends during this time, and every time...that's what friends are in our lives for. I'm not just expecting support from my girls during my wedding, but I expect that from them all the time...and that's what I give to them in return! They're my best girl friends...that's what we do for each other! I happen to be really lucky and have an amazing group of women in my wedding party, but you know what...I can only imagine how hard it would be if I didn't...and how it would feel to read about all of us very fortunate brides that do have a group of people that give us their time and effort. I'm not talking about money...I'm talking about friendship and support. Let's not forget that when you ask someone to be your bridesmaid...that they can say no! I feel like spraguebride was just trying to vent/get a little support, and now everyone is sort of bashing her. As fun as wedding planning can be, things can defnitely get stressful...and sometimes brides can get a little emotional/maybe even over-react over certain things...can't we all relate to that? I know I can! I feel like it's sort of easy to make a sort of snarky comment anonymously, but let's not forget that people have feelings. Hugs to you spraguebride! I hope everything works out for you, and that you have a beautiful wedding.
This is just my opinion, but I feel that the gift of time is more valuable than money or anything tangible.
@ Maybee thank god for you girl! :-) haha
But really....this is WEDDINGbee. Arn't we all brides? If this isn't a place to feel safe to be a little oversensative and ask for honest input..I don't know what is. And isn't this a place we go to for ideas, opinions and support? That is why I love weddingbee...because of the feeling of community.
It is totally ok to tell me that you think I need a little perspective of that you disagree with that I am saying, but the comment above yours was basically nothing but snarky. There is no need for that here. We can disagee...but I think there should be a certain level of support and mutual respect amoung ALL of us. People do not put themselves out there to be bashed. Disagreement is TOTALLY a different than being snarky. Thanks for standing up for me :-) Your reaction is EXACTLY what I love about this place. Regardless of the few who can get snarky...most of us on here are really nice.
In 20 years, you will remember whether or not the girls who you thought were your friends threw you a bridal shower. I'm sorry, but that's true. If they are local, then they should be able to put something together. It seems according to this thread that is not a popular opinion, but I will explain why.
My shower was (probably, I don't know exactly) very expensive. We had brunch hosted at a fancy hotel. Not that many people came, but I only had 3 ladies in my bridal party. One of whom I know is struggling with finances. But they pulled it off, some how worked it out between each other, to show my a shower that was so wonderful (to the point I almost felt guilty) and I could never fully thank them for. They didn't get me a gift, and I was glad because that would have been over the top.
2 months later, myself and some other bridesmaids threw a shower for a friend. It was a potluck-style brunch at her mother's house. On average, the bridesmaids (and mother in law) spent around $70 each. It was so lovely and the bride really enjoyed her self.
My point is, it doesn't take a whole lot to put together a decent shower. It is the one time your best friend has to celebrate - she won't get to throw another shower in 10 years! Typically you have showers a month or two before the wedding - when your bridal party has known they were going to be involved for a while. They can't save up some money between the time you ask and the time of the shower? I know they have other things to pay for, but to me, for all your bridesmaids to use the money excuse....that would hurt my feelings, too. We are all struggling but there are a lot of things I would do to insure my friend had a nice shower, which can mean a lot of different things.
I understand why you feel let down. It's easy to get bridesmaid envy when you are reading all these wonderful stories and your maids just don't seem to live up to what everyone else has.
Well you are not alone! I don't have super involved bridesmaids either. Some of them are really busy with things happening in their own lives. Some of them just have selfish tendencies. The important thing is to try not to take it personally or use it as a measure of your friendship and definitely not a measure of your own self worth. I know it is much easier said than done, especially when the pressure of a wedding is making you feel super sensative already.
Some people just aren't naturally suited for the role but it doesn't mean that they don't care about you. I was a MOH last year. The bride was someone I cared about a great deal and I was so honored that she chose me. I really wanted to be there for her but now that I look back on it, I think I probably let her down a lot. I was just clueless!
It sounds like you are a very thoughtful person who would probably be one of those wonderful above and beyond bridesmaids that you read about in blogs. So it might not be fair that you don't get that in return but I think you just have to let go of that and accept your bridesmaids for who they are, flaws and all. Try to focus on the good qualities that they have that led you to be friends in the first place. You may find that they are trying to be generous and supportive in their own way which may be the only way they know how.
In the meantime, feel free to vent when you get down. We are here for you. Take pride in the kind person that you are. Karma will catch up with you eventually!
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Hey spraguebride,
If it makes you feel better, I'm a month away from my wedding and no one has thrown me a bridal shower, a bachelorette party, or a bachelor party for my FI. No one has even offered. I could take this as a sign that I'm a total loser or get very pissed off at my friends, but I was practical about it and put myself in my friends' shoes. One set of my friends recently had babies so I knew that they're financially constrained and also have no time to put something together. Another side of my friends from college are all dispersed around the nation and are either in grad school or just gotten jobs. It's nice enough that they're coming to my wedding but I couldn't expect them to fly out a 2nd time for a bachelorette party or a shower. I realized that my odds of getting a shower or B-party were slim as soon as I got engaged because I knew the situations of all my friends.
Also, I'm always amazed that people subscribe to the traditions of throwing showers and B-parties. I mean what the hell? As a friend of the bride, you're now expected to give a shower gift, a b-party gift, AND a wedding gift? That's three gifts! That's like $200 in gifts alone! Regardless of whether your friends are rich or not, its almost expoitative that our society has these 2 events prior to a wedding. I'm really glad that none of my friends have to put on these things for me. I know they're happy for me and I'll see them all at my wedding. That is good enough for me.
Yikes...RecessionistaBride, let's not be snarky! I think that MayBee said it perfectly. I think what you're feeling spraguebride is that your bridesmaids aren't supporting you like a friend should. Even going to a stationary store and getting you a pack of thank you notes and stamps would be helpful to you...and shows you that she cares that it's your wedding and wants to celebrate with you! Or she could even offer to help you planning! Her time in helping you putting together your invitations or stamping them for you would be such a huge help! It's not the fact that she isn't giving you a gift...it's the fact that she isn't even trying to be creative in trying to help you with things.
I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way and that your maids aren't really showing interest. Anytime you need that, you just come here! We'll show interest!
Hey there! I'm sorry you are feeling this way! I'm sure that they really want to help but things are tough for everyone right now!
When I do bridesmaids showers, I open the planning and helping to anyone. Not just the bridesmaids in the wedding. For my brother's wedding my mom's bunco friends threw the shower. All the bridesmaids had to do was show up!
Then we threw her a bachelorette party! We all brought food and drinks whatever we could afford to do. I took care of decorations because it was at my house. We had a really good time and I don't think anyone felt overwhelmed. I did evites for the bach party
We had 2 bridesmaids who lost their jobs a few months before the wedding. So you're not alone... is what I'm trying to say. Ask other friends or relatives to help out. Or suggest a shower with just cake and punch. That's what showers were like in the old days and I think that was the way to go! Have it at someone's house so you don't get charged room rental fees, etc. Also, I've hit the dollar stores in the past and nobody knew it was a dollar store shower!
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