Post # 1
DH and I have been ttc, but that is now suspended until after the surgery I’m having next month. Anyway, because of my medical issues, ttc may take longer than it does for “average” people (I hate the term “normal” lol) or it may simply never happen at all. We are prepared for this, as it is not a surprise, but I’m having a hard time dealing with other people.
Aside from the usual pressures from other people (rude), I’m having a hard time with some of my friends who are trying for #2 or #3. TTC struggles are hard for everyone, I know, but there’s a part of me that is screaming inside “AT LEAST YOU ALREADY HAVE ONE!” Obviously I would never, ever say that to anyone, but if I’m being honest, it’s how my heart feels. I know it’s a terrible thing, and I’m being a selfish, horrible person (and an awful friend). I feel terrible about it.
This isn’t really a question, just more of an admission. It feels good to get it off my chest. (Yes, I’m a jealous, hateful bitch.)
Post # 2
LoveMyMister: Don’t feel bad. I think it’s pretty normal and you are entitled to your feelings. I gotta admit do the same for anyone who has trouble with conceiving after the first. Yes it’s hard, but like you, I think the same – you ARE a mother, you at least have one! I’m sorry, I know it’s hard no matter what, and I hate to minimize it for anyone, but secondary IF is just not the same imo.
Post # 3
You’re not a bitch, and it’s totally understandable to feel this way. You can’t control your feelings, only your actions. Don’t beat yourself up too much!
Best of luck with the surgery – and I hope baby dust is coming your way!
Post # 4
I totally get it. I have felt this way before myself. Doesn’t make us monsters, just human.
Post # 5
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
You’re not hateful; you’re human. That said, IF sucks no matter when it strikes. Any couple that strongly wants to have a baby and can’t physically do so without significant intervention will hurt in their hearts, whether they already have a child or not. There will always be that empty spot. There will always be that lingering “What if things were different?” There will always be that knowledge of the dream that will never be.
Rather than think of it as a zero sum game, where they already have something you want, try to reframe it in your head as “We’re all in the same boat, so we might as well row together and support one another.” Their success will not take away from you. Rather, let it bouy you through the hard days.
It’s hard. Really hard. Sending lots of good vibes your way.
Post # 6
Wow, I feel amazing relief at these messages. I’m so glad that I’m not the only one who feels like this, though I’m of course sorry that I’m not the only one struggling. It is really tough. There are also so many women around me these days who are pregnant or have new babies, and sometimes it’s hard for me – not that I’m not happy for them, because of course I am, but it is painful.
Thanks @penag1885 for the good luck! If the doctor can remove all, or even most, of the endometriosis, we may have an actual shot. There’s also the possibility that the surgery will actually make it harder to get pg (because of scar tissue) so it was a tough decision. Sigh. Really, all I want is to feel better. If we can also have a baby, that would be amazing!
Post # 7
you have no reason to feel bad but i understand why you do. I really hope your surgery is a success and it clears the way for conception!
Post # 8
Truffle-hunter: Thank you! I’m really nervous about it, but it is time. Hopefully it will help me feel better AND help us get pregnant.
In the meantime, I’m going to try not to stress so much about other people. I really need to stop making it about me….I’m sure having secondary infertility is still heartbreaking and really hard to deal with, and I’m probably not being the best friend I could be.
Part of the issue though too, of course, is that sooooo many people are getting in our faces about our family plans. “When are you going to start trying?” “Don’t you want kids?” “Your life won’t be complete without a family!” and I seriously want to snap. People say such hateful things sometimes. Grrr! DH and I are already a family, thank you very much. Sometimes the Parenthood-on-a-Pedestal thing makes me enraged.