Post # 1
so i made a previous post about how myfuture in laws and i aren’t close and that i feel that they don’t understand/realize me and my SO’s relationship and how serious it is.
here’s what happened. i picked out a setting and stone that i loved and it was going to be held at the store for a month for sizing, mounting etc etc… when the ring was ready my SO drops a bomb on me. he says he’s not going to be able to afford the monthy payment. my heart sank a little but it wasn’t a big deal! hello! there are a million rings in the world and only one SO!
i told him it was really not a big deal so we returned it…….
here comes the curveball…. my SO tells me that his dad said that he doesn’t need to get a ring for me cause it is just “one more bill” and that he “doesn’t want him to be in debt” even though he is not anywhere CLOSE to being broke and he has NO DEBT! no student loan, no store card balance, not even a visa!!!!!!!!! he’s a grown man that takes care of himself without help! then he pulls the age card (which is so super annoying) saying we’re too young when we both have careers and are in our early-mid 20s! infuriating!
his dad’s extra 2 cents: “give her your mom’s first engagement ring” which is a .25 pear (love!) but i barely know his mom and that makes me feel weird to take her first engagement ring and we arent even close! i don’t want her ring!
is it wrong that i want my SO to save up, get a more economical ring and prove to me and his dad that he can get me a decent engagement ring?
now i feel like his parents are going to be offended that i wont accept her ring! but then again these people are the ones that havent even invited me for their christmas 2 years in a row. sometimes i feel like they don’t want him to get me one at all!
Post # 3
hmmm complicated indeed
First talk to your SO about how you two should move forward with these kind of decisions; I think if he truly is financially independent, then the person who he should be consulting with is you. He should explain that though he respects his fathers suggestions, and his advice, he truly feels that you deserve an economical ring of your own. I would consider the mother’s ring as an option a bit more (ask if maybe you can even change the setting, perhaps? Make it more yours). But if you truly feel like this is a miscommunication on the part of his parents, and something you feel is important enough to take a stance on, I suggest talking to the SO about it, the importance to you, and have him explain to his parents.
Post # 4
I agree that you two need to have a discussion about parental involvement and also money matters in general. Those things are such a big deal later in a relationship so get talking about it now. I think you should try and spend more time with his family to get to know them better. I wouldn’t completely write off her engagement ring, but I wouldn’t want to take it if you feel completely weird about it either.
Post # 5
they don’t live here unfortunately
Post # 6
How is this any of his father’s business? If he can’t afford the “dream” ring- that is fine- no big deal, but I would be annoyed that he is involving his dad. It just sounds like he needs to save up some more, and leave his parents out of it!
Post # 7
You shouldn’t feel awkward about accepting the ring especially if you love it. They wouldn’t have offered if they didn’t want you to take it.
Post # 8
I definitely think you need to talk to your SO about what’s going on. I wouldn’t be so concerned about what his father is saying or the ring, but instead why SO is using these excuses on you. Especially the comment about not being old enough to get married. Your SO might not be wanting to spend a lot of money on a purchase because maybe he’s questioning whether he’s ready to make that step but doesn’t know how to tell you. This is what happened to me with an ex. We’d been together 7 years and were in our late 20s. He started changing his mind about getting married, but instead of talking directly about his concerns, he would pull back, saying his family needed more time, etc. Turns out his family was pressuring him to marry me! I would first check and make sure that is not what’s going on here, especially with your comment that his family doesn’t realize how serious the relationship is…why is that, what has he been telling them?
Assuming that SO really does want to get married and feels ready now, the next question becomes what is his relationship with his dad here? I understand listening to advice, but if your SO is not capable of making his own choices and saying no to his father, I think that’s something you guys need to figure out now. I don’t think this is about a ring or money at all.
Post # 9
@buttercup i am sorry you had to go through that luckily, i am not in the same boat you were because he definitely wants to be with me or else he wouldn’t have bothered to take me to pick out my engagement ring. there’s no question about that….
they don’t live here and haven’t for a long time and he is their firstborn but his dad is definitely happy that we are taking that step he just doesn’t want him to be in debt.
yeah i am annoyed that he is involving his dad is getting in on all this but its because mySO is asking for advice. which is fine and its not altering the decision he’s going to make i just dont want this lady’s ring cause she’s never been super nice to me and i hardly know her! but i don’t want to be ugly about it cause who turns down a free diamond?!