Post # 1
I honestly am writing this for completely selfish reasons. I just need some objective support right now!
My wedding is looming closer, and as a perfectionist, I already have changed multiple aspects of my wedding. Not just little things… huge things. Initially because my fiance and I decided we wanted to have a wedding we’d always dreamed about–an intimate destination wedding– and then have a large reception. So that’s what we decided to do, and changed everything. Now I’ve changed the venue, location, size… but also my gown, my favors (about 3 times), and my invites. Oh yes.
The worst part of it is… I finally found a dress I felt comfortable in and that fit the new style of our wedding… however, no one seems that excited about it. So of course I’m spiraling into this horrible feeling that it’s ME that is not going to look beautiful and that no dress is going to be the right dress.
On top of that, my best friend’s (and bridesmaid) mother was just diagnosed with stage iv lung cancer. She’s expected to live less than a year. And my other best friend was just dumped by the love of her life after 6 years together. My other bridesmaid’s husband has been out of work for nearly a year and can hardly afford Christmas presents. And I’m asking them all to fly out to a destination wedding to celebrate in the midst of this? I feel anything but glamorous about my wedding… I feel selfish.
I think I’m terrified things will just fall apart at the seams, and my family can only say things like, “let me know if there’s anything i can do (from 500 miles away).” Can those who have been down this road just tell me that my dress is beautiful and that I’m going to make it?
Post # 3
@esc072849: i haven’t been down this road but your dress is beautiful and you’re going to make it!!! This day is about you and your love with your SO. Maybe tell your best friend who is having financial problems that you understand if she can’t be part of your day. I know this would be very hard but it’s a selfess act and may help their family.
I don’t think you are being selfish at all. It’s your day!!! Just remember at the end of it- it’s about the love that you share. You will be married to your best friend 🙂
Post # 4
Something I found helpful during wedding planning: there’s a lot of rhetoric about a wedding being the “most important/best/most perfect, etc., day of your life,” but really it’s just … rhetoric. Your wedding shouldn’t be the best day of your life, right? Because you don’t want your entire marriage to be downhill from there? Remember that the wedding is not the marriage, and you really will be better off investing some of your time and energy into marriage preparation, not just wedding preparation. You’ll wear the dress, be at the venue, etc., for one day, but ideally you’ll be with your husband for the rest of your life.
Also helpful: try to get into the habit of always thinking about it and talking about it as OUR wedding, not MY wedding. It helps to remind you that you guys are in this together, and that all of these decisions *shouldn’t* depend only on you. Helps take some of the pressure off, and keep the lines of communication open between you and your FI.
Post # 5
Your dress is beautiful, and your wedding will be beautiful. It sounds like there is so much in your life right now that seems to be spiraling out of control. Yes, your wedding is something you can control (within reason). Without pretending to be a psychologist… I wonder if some of your changes to the wedding come from a need to put all your energy and worry *somewhere*. I know I’ve been doing the same in some ways.
Take a deep breath. You will look stunning in your dress– it is your dress, and no one will be as excited about it as you, and that is as it should be. Your friends and family will never be as into this wedding as you, and that is as it should be. You are not alone in it, but no one else will be as consumed by that day (and the preparations) as you and your FI.
Celebrating in the midst of strife is a gift. It is a reminder that life is made up of tears and laughter both. And if someone can not make it to your wedding, then they will still be there with you in spirit. All of this– both what you are going through and what your friends are going through– can serve as reminders of all that you and your FI may face in the world, and that you are planning the day when you will say to eachother (and to the world) that you choose to face those things together, come what may.
Remember that, and put your focus there. The rest is frills.
Post # 6
Honestly, I think the lack of excitement from others around your dress and such is probably stemming from the fact that you have changed everything so many times – they were probably excited for the first dress, set of invites, venue, etc. I had dress regret and did end up buying a second one, and I know that my mom was a bit hesitant to get excited about it because she had already done that for the first one, and here I was changing my mind again! At this point, they probably just figure that they’ll wait till the wedding to see what your final decisions were, and then tell you how gorgeous everything (including you in your dress!) looks.
It sounds like you could use some time focusing on non-wedding related things – for someone who has so many details planned out and has changed them multiple tims to make sure they’re perfect, you still sound terrified that somehow everything is going to be a disaster. I promise you, it won’t be! It will be beautiful and all come together, and your family and friends will be happy for you and your FI. As far as your bridesmaid’s struggles go..these are some of your closest friends, just be there for them the same way you would if you weren’t in the midst of planning a wedding. And if there’s anything you can do to help ease the burden for them financially, I’m sure they’d be grateful (I paid for a couple of my BM’s dresses because they were going through tough times) – but if it’s not possible, don’t spend a bunch of time feeling guilty over your happy event, they wouldn’t want that!
Post # 7
@Sunnybrook: Gah, thank you. Your answer was so zen. : )
I also think that you hit the nail on the head with funneling my stress and anxiety into planning. I’m the type of person that goes on a cleaning spree when I’m stressed out. I think I’m so anxious and stressed that I do feel like I have to constantly be doing something/working something out or otherwise everything will fall apart.
Post # 8
@esc072849: Well, it’s easy for me to be zen on the outside of your situation. I wonder if you could try focusing your energy elsewhere for a month or so. Seems like you have wedding plans well in hand. Maybe organize something to show your friends you care and are worried about them. Coordinate a rotating potluck for your friends to take cooking pressure off of them for a bit. Start up a monthly movie night to take everyone’s mind of of things. Volunteer somewhere together to put things in perspective. Sometimes, having somewhere else to focus can keep you from going crazy with wedding stuff.
I’m trying to do some reading in preparation for my wedding day. I feel like shopping and crafting are the go-to things when I think about preparing for my wedding… but I also want to prepare for my marriage. So, I’m trying to remind myself to spend time on that– which means doing some real thinking about how I’m feeling throughout the engagement and how I want to feel when I enter the marriage. And that takes work and preparation and energy, too.
One foot in front of the other. And keep in mind what the day will *really* be about for you.