Feeling like I am not carrying my weight….

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
46 posts

What? I read your title and thought you were going to be writing about being out of work entirely, or not doing as much housework as your SO, or something like that. And I was going to write that pretty much every healthy relationship has occasional periods where one person is carrying more weight than the other, and as long as there’s give and take and everyone’s doing what they can, there’s nothing wrong with that.

But you’re working 38 hours a week. That’s full time. So it’s not that you’re not carrying your weight, it’s that you’ve had some setbacks. And setbacks happen to everyone at some time or another. The important thing is that you and your partner are making smart decisions together as a team. You’re going to be fine. Just keep on applying for the jobs you want, don’t stress, and let your partner be your teammate. 

Post # 3
339 posts
Helper bee

Assuming your FI makes more than $25k, you are more affluent than a large marjority of the US (assuming that’s where you are).  You should not be upset, or strained, in any way!  You are making the right decisions by paying off debt, and working towards a goal.

I personally took a drastic drop in income in order to have more freedom.  I don’t feel like I am not carrying my weight, even though I make less.  I do have to rely on my partner (he pays rent), but that is what being part of a relationship is all about.  You are working 38 hours a week, woman! That’s not chump time, that’s a full-time job. You are contributing twenty five THOUSAND more dollars than you would be sitting at home twiddling your thumbs.

You can’t help how you feel but I hope you realize you have nothing to be ashamed of. You’re working your ass off, trying to find something better, and living on a budget.  If you need a hair cut, go to a beauty school – free except for a tip.  I bought a gel nails kit that I saw on sale at slickdeals.net (learn it, love it), and have spent $50 for all my mani/pedis for the whole year.  You don’t have to be in the dumps (mentally, physically) while living on a budget.

Try to breathe, and remember that you are allowed to have little things for yourself. 🙂

Post # 5
7940 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Footballwife:  oh dear that sounds hard- I think you just need to keep trucking at retail while applying to other jobs until you get one! You have lots of experience, you can do it- just keep applying. Also you should talk to your man about maybe after the wedding him supporting you completely for a bit so you can get the real estate thing up and running. It might be really tight for a bit but you will make so much more in the long run then if you just keep plugging away at the mall. Keep your chin up and keep applying to better jobs- law firms, real estate places etc lots of people have discouraging stints of underemployment- you just don’t let it get the best of you and keep of digging yourself out. It will get better!

Post # 6
1599 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013


Footballwife:  have you looked into temp agencies?  Many many companies end up hiring their temps even if the position isn’t advertised as temp-to-perm. You’ll probably get paid more than the retail job, so you can work less if youd like to refocus on real-estate (or work the same amount but make more money!) A lot of temp agencies these days even provide benefits!


On the personal-care note: I’ve been there! I would suggest scoping our the beauty schools in your area and going to get some low-priced or free services! Haircuts should be really cheap or free, and many schools also have esthetician programs where you can get facials and massages and whatnot.  Everything is supervised and I PROMISE it will make you feel like a new woman to treat yourself a little bit!

Good luck!

Post # 7
42182 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

You are definitely carrying your share of the load. Not doing so, would be sitting at home on unemployment and not even looking for other work. Many, many people have taken a huge hit with the downturn of the economy.

As a pp has suggested, check out beauty schools for a trim, cut or style. Students are never assigned to the public until they have been approved for the skill in question.

Post # 8
206 posts
Helper bee

Footballwife:  come on down south! We make a combined income of about 60,000 and are doing fine.  We’re paying 950 to rent a 1400 sq ft townhouse in a great location. Hopefully we can buy a house next summer…you can get a great starter home for around 150,000. 

I was making 27,000 teaching at a private school…but quit when we moved. I didn’t get a full time teaching job here, but was hired as a part time tutor and picked up a nanny job. I’ll probably make around 20,000 this year. Going from a bad salary to worse! Hopefully next year I’ll get hired as a full time teacher and get $44,000.

Post # 9
7155 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Footballwife:  I totally understand. You felt strong and independent and successful before, and now you don’t. PP already addressed that you are still all of those things, so I won’t do that. I think its really humbling to be struck down due to circumstances out of our control. We work so hard or get somewhere, it’s hard to accept it can be taken away.

one thing is true, though. You wil come through this and be stronger and you will find a new position that is just right For you. Time. Time and patience. 


Post # 10
187 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Bellagio, Las Vegas

I really like what the other posters said about your situation. If anything, it sounds like you two have a plan and are doing okay. It’s wonderful that you’re at a place to pay off debt and both of you have jobs.

Hang in there. I’m in a similiar situation. I’m underemployed and I feel like I’m not carrying my weight in my relationship. It’s temporary. I’m in an awkward spot of being between graduating from college and starting a wonderful full-time job that I got back in July. I can’t start until I pass state boards (I just graduated from nursing school), but it’s still really awkward. I *have* a good job, I just can’t start it yet! Super frustrating! I completely understand where you’re coming from.

Post # 11
46 posts
  • Wedding: October 2015

Footballwife: I am experiencing some of the same things, only in a completely different situation. I was a teacher when SO and I met, and I had been commuting about an hour each way to get to work every day for the past year. Due to the stress that the commute was causing me, I started to look for other work up where we live…which ended up being a great decision because we had some landlord trouble and had to move further up into NH, which made my teacher commute impossible.

We are now renting the 2nd floor of his dad’s house for a sweet discount that will help us to get out of debt and allow us to save for a house and then a wedding! Awesome, right? However, the job that I took up here essentially meant a 33% pay cut…paired with SO’s awesome promotion/raise, he makes about 40% more than I do right now. It makes me feel like a mooch and a jerk and like I am not smart or good at what I do. The position I took is not a teaching position – they are hard to come by where I am living, as most of the schools are regional and I am certified to teach English. I have taken a part-time retail job to supplement my income, but working 60+ hrs/wk is really, really stressful.

I think the bestthing to remember is – everything is temporary. Retail is demanding. Make sure you’re taking care of yourself, knowing that you are doing everything you can do right now!

Post # 12
371 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I can imagine this is hard. It looks like things will be getting better though. Your wedding is so close!!  it would be very difficult to change jobs right now. I know it can take some time to get hired so by all means keep looking but don’t forget to enjoy these last few months!! I am not sure if you will like this suggestion because I know you want that second car. how important is it? It sounds like you wanted to wait until after the wedding and the loans but if you sharing a car is working then you could avoid adding on that other expense right away and enjoy yourselves or save more. You could still apply to jobs further away and then get the car when sharing is no longer realistic. I couldn’t really tell if real estate was the direction you wanted to go but if it is the money you saved with the car could go towards your real estate license. Like I said it really is deciding how important things are for you. I requested a transfer with my job recently to move with FI but my new office is much different and I am also doing everything to get out of there. I found a quote that hit home that I wanted to share with you. About 90% of the things in our life are right. Make sure you don’t overlook the 90% that is right by focusing on the 10% that isn’t. You will get out of this and things will get better. It is easy to see how driven you are. I don’t know how much free time you have but volunteering and networking could also help. 

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