(Closed) Feeling like I don’t even want to HAVE a wedding!

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
2538 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Do what you want and don’t discuss it with anyone. What you want to do is between your FI and you, no one else. If your FMIL wants to cry, let her sit in the corner and cry like a 5 year old and if you mother wants to be mad, let her be mad. Your wedding is what you want to do, not what others think you should do. My Dad has repeatedly told me “this is you guys’ day. I’ll do whatever you need or want me to.” Maybe you should remind your families this and, if they can’t behave, they’re not part of the process.

Post # 4
Member
1254 posts
Bumble bee

Are you financially able to fund your own wedding? If so, then have a wedding the way you want it especially since you are paying. I have been at your place before. My current engagement is for a second marriage but my first was very similar to your current predicament. All I can say is, this time around I am in charge and doing it the way I want. My FI now and I have thought about eloping too but my family has expressed wanting to be present at our wedding. I have made it clear to them that if that was the case, they would be invited as guests. And if they choose, they can have a small part in the ceremony (i.e., walking down the aisle with us, etc.). As guests they can choose to come or not to come especially if they think the wedding is not to their liking. For me, I wanted to elope anyway, so their not being there was not an issue for me.

The bottom line is, parents will manipulate the situation to their liking because they feel they are entitled to it for being your parent. But the truth is, because they are your parents, they will most often show up at any type of wedding you throw because they would not miss your wedding for the world.

Post # 5
Member
1766 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Is your FMIL Italian or Irish?

I’m on the North Shore, and FI’s family is Italian.  Same thing here.

FI and I agreed to have a civil ceremony, since both of us are only going to church on Christmas and Easter, him even less than me. We live together and didn’t want to deal with the church taking an issue with our lifestyle.

So FMIL brought home the ‘Catholic Digest – Wedding Edition’ before we even got engaged. Reading it made me cringe. Once I had the ring, we told her we wanted to have a civil ceremony.  That’s when the “Consider the church! Just give it some thought!” treatment started.  After a bit, FI said how he actually always wanted to get married in church, as it’s a beautiful location and would mean so much to his mom.

So a church wedding it is. I grudgingly made it through pre cana. I’m not confirmed and if they had told me I had to, it would have been the deal breaker. Now I will feel like a hypocrite saying my vows, but that’s fine by my future family because the church is just soo beautiful.

I just keep telling myself that at the end of the day I will be married to the man I love. And I can say the traditional ‘for better, for worse’ vows and mean them. And we actually DO want kids.  This is how I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that a church ceremony was basically pushed on me.

Post # 7
Member
1315 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

No, I think you may sit down with himself pronto and work out precisely what it is you both want for your wedding, within your own budget completely. You can’t fight your corner with any kind of conviction if he caves at pressure. (Although I do understand how it is when people put you on the spot.)

I’d imagine some soothing will work with your folks: they’ll prob see that you’re being sensible, using their contribution towards a house, once they calm down.

His mom’s a different story, though. From the sound of her, (no offence meant) she will leverage her financial support to convince you to do things the way she wants them done. Obv your man is going to have to be the one dealing with her most of the time on stuff, and he will prob give in to her – from a)life experience of going along with her, or b) not having the chance, perhaps, to run stuff by you before making decisions.

One more point on this, would she expect you to send your children to Catholic school? Is this something you’d want, or be willing to have the fight with her on?

By that I mean, you’re looking at a lifelong relationship with his family. It might be easier, funny enough, if you start as you mean to go on, and live your life the way you want!

 

The Irish angle on this actually amuses me… we’ve gradually been becoming more and more secular over here, and if we turned around tomorrow and booked the registry office for the ceremony, I don’t think anyone would say a word! The child clerical sex abuse scandal really has the church on a new, lesser footing here now.

Best of luck chick.

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