(Closed) Feeling like I don’t measure up

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
2263 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I do. And I hate hate hate that. I struggled with weight a bit in high school but never the extent you did. I did struggle with selfinjury though and have been using vitamin e for months to dissolve some of the scarring for when I wear my strapless dress. 

 I want to be happy, I want people to say those things about me but I feel ugly when I am exposed like that. So I kind of understand there. 

I’m sorry you feel the pressure to be perfect. No one is. But between you and me almost every guy friend I ever had says he preferred curvy women over stick girls. 😉 I’m sure you will be ravishing on your wedding day and hope your beauty surpasses other’s opinions because of what you’ve been through. That takes strength and you should be proud of yourself! 

Post # 4
14498 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I was asking myself that very thing for two year before our wedding.  I wasn’t the size 4 that I once was, and that is the weight that I felt the best at.  I talked it over and over with Darling Husband at nausium.  He finally convinced me of this: I was beautiful to him and that was all that mattered to him.  If I felt that I needed to be healthier for myself that was fine, but he loved me the way I am right now and he would not want me making myself sick to look like a barbie.  The only thing he wanted for our wedding photos was that I looked like myself, not some shell of myself from dieting, but myself.  And, no matter what, on our wedding day when those doors open, I would still be the most beautiful bride on earth because I was his bride.

I have been on this board two years now and I have seen alot of brides.  Not yet have I seen one that didn’t make a beautiful bride.   I am not as beautiful as some of them, not as young as some of them, not as thin as some of them, but on my wedding day, I felt just as much a beautiful bride as even the most gorgeous of them.  You will too, YOU just have to believe that.

Post # 5
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@Legallyblondiebride:  You WILL be that beautiful bride!  You know why?  Because you’re the bride! 

I used to be very skinny and small.  Because I never ate anything for fear of being judged by my family.  Around 21, my body changed entirely and I got taller and wasn’t as skinny anymore.  Since then, my family has been OBSESSED with me losing weight. Every time I talk to my mother it’s, how’s the diet going?  Guess what, there is no diet.  I am not defined by a number on a scale or a waist size.  It look me a long time to get to this point but I know I am a worthy person no matter what size I am.

You are too.  Your Fiance love you, not your waist size.

Post # 6
304 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

i do too sometimes.they make it look like i dont fit to the door lol.im only 150 lol leave me alone.but hey; thats your day; and you will be the one and only..hugs

Post # 7
705 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I was always very thin but I had a run in with a severe depression and got up to about 200 lbs (I am 5’2).  About 3 years ago, I started losing weight with diet and exercise (primarily for health reasons).  I am finally down to near my “fighting” weight at 130.  I could lose the last 10 lbs but it’s not a priority.

My mom told me the other day that she was so happy I’d lost weight so now I could be a beautiful bride.  I was floored.  Am I not beautiful no matter how much I weigh?  Sure I spent a lot of time and effort getting into shape but I did that to be a healthier and happier person–not because I had to be what everyone thought I should be.  The teenager inside wants me to gain all the weight back just to piss off my mom and show her that her stupid ideas of what a bride should look like don’t matter to me.

Post # 8
7609 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@zomgwut: What a thing to say!  Grrrr.

OP, I feel the same as you in a way.  I can remember being underweight in high school and I’ve gone through many months, here and there over the years, of just plain not eating/eating 200cal/day (a long time ago).  Right now, I am the heaviest I’ve ever been and I am feeling the pressure to lose weight before the wedding.  Luckily, I haven’t had to deal with the same sort of comments as you have, but I feel in my head that people are thinking “oh damn, what a fat bride”.

But then I check out re-caps of plus sized brides on the Bee and all I ever think is “holy smokes, that girl rocked her dress/makeup/whatever” and NOT “omg look at her chins” – EVER.  So that tells me that beauty isn’t a number.

I do understand how you’re feeling though.

Post # 10
2086 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012 - Pippin Hill Farm & Vineyards

I think we all have those feelings sometimes. I imagine your friends/family are trying not to make comments about your appearance for fear of triggering past behavior.  They think they’re being kind when you actually need some reassurance. 

Does your Fiance know about the ED in your past?  I’m not saying you have to tell him (in fact, that might cause a lot of unneeded stress and worry), but perhaps telling him that you need some reassurance about how you look would help? 

Post # 12
14337 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

2 of them basically starving themselves to look “their best.”

I don’t think I will ever understand this.  I don’t understand the desire to starve yourself, diet, workout to look your “best” for one day, only to to let go after the pressures of the wedding is over and to revert to the original lifestyle and gain it back.  If it was a truely a life change as well as the wedding, and the new lifestyle was maintained after the wedding, then I would understand, but most the time, let’s be real, it’s not as soooo many people say they gain weight after the wedding.  I don’t understand why someone would want to pictures of this wonderful thin self on this one day and have it to look at and say, oh look, i was for one day this thin but never again.  I would rather just look like myself, whatever that is, and be happy with that. 

Post # 14
1444 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I understand what you are saying COMPLETELY.  I feel like I could have written your post myself!  I’ve struggled with eating disorders since I was 12 (so, for more than 18 years now).  I have been skinny to the point of all bones, normal, and heavy.  I seemed to cycle through these stages every few years. 

I was engaged once before when I was 25.  I starved myself to try and be that “beautiful, thin” bride I had always imagined myself being.  I felt like I could wear any dress I wanted and still look good…but….I also felt like complete CRAP phsically and mentally.  I was so stressed out about my weight and image, that my mental health took a HUGE downward turn and I ended up in a hospital and breaking off my engagement.  I think my worries about that relationship and if marrying that man was the right thing kind of manifested itself in my eating disorder rearing its ugly head again.

Fast forward to when I was 29…I had met a man (my DH) who made me feel beautiful for what I was inside (as cliche as that sounds, it is the God’s honest truth).  I gained weight…more than I was comfortable with by any means…and had to go pick out a different wedding dress (ugh…my mom asked me if I wanted to wear the wedding dress I’d bought for the first wedding that never happened, and it stung to admit that there was no way I’d ever fit in it again unless I went back to my unhealthy crutch).  I tried on dresses…and cried.  Nothing looked as good since I gained weight (or so, my disordered thinking made me feel).  But my husband’s face said it all when I walked down the aisle…and when I met him at the alter, through tears in his eyes he told me that I looked absolutely beautiful.  And I believed him.

 He met me when I was about 30 lbs lighter, and said I looked 100 times better at my current healthy weight than when I was making myself sick.  I was so nervous about my weight at my wedding, and even hated my wedding pictures at first when I got them back.  I was so, so HARD on myself (like we all are!) and nitpicked ever picture to pieces.  But I took the advice of some Bees on a post I first wrote on here….trust your FI/DH!  They love you for YOU!  And if you are happy and in love, that will show on your wedding day and you will be the most beautiful bride he has ever seen!

Please don’t feel pressured to make yourself sick again just to fit some stereotype that that pop culture has put in our head’s of what brides “should” look like.  I’ve seen brides of ALL shapes and sizes on here…and as a previous poster said, NOT A SINGLE ONE of them has not been radiant on her special day.  You, my dear, will glow.  Trust me and trust your Fiance.  🙂

Post # 15
899 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

You won’t be beautiful. You will be GORGEOUS. I have no doubt in my mind about that.

I’m in the same boat, high school anorexia and all. I hit my heaviest weight around the time I started dating Fiance, as a result of not being able to regulate my metabolism due to the anorexia. My body could turn celery into ten pounds. I finally started losing weight on a trip to Europe with my best friend (must have been all the walking up hill, and the mile long staircases), I’m still nowhere near thin, and I’m pregnant, and whenever the dress or the wedding comes up, people kind of give me that look, like *oh, well, you’re screwed*.

I’ve been told how much shapewear I’m going to need just to not look like I have a beer gut, but no one has said that they’re sure I’ll be fine. It sucks. People suck.

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