Post # 1
DH woke me this morning out of a hungover sleep with news. His BFF(girl) is pregnant and everyone is ecstatic. BFF always spoke of how she never wanted kids.
This kind of just set me off for the day…
i feel like DH and I are stuck in this part of our life and we can’t move forward. I want children, I’m emotionally ready and I feel empty now because I don’t have any. This isn’t baby fever, I truly feel like it’s a missing piece of my life. Why don’t you have children you ask? I want to own our home and be settled before we start TTC. Where we live right now isn’t suitable for children, but we won’t be ready to buy for another year. Once we’re ready, there’s no telling how much longer it could be until we find the right place, especially considering it’s in a small town.
On top of buying a house, I will also need to find a new job, as this will be a regional move for us. I’m extremely hesitant about buying a new house, starting a new job and immediately becoming pregnant. I won’t have any tenure with the company, and will suddenly require time off for appointments and possibly sick time that I haven’t earned. On the other hand, once we’re able to move, I don’t want to wait to TTC another length of time because of a job. I’m just so ready to move forward to the next chapter of our lives and it seems like we’ll never get there.
It all just feels so overwhelming and impossible. I will be almost 29 by time we are ready to buy. I don’t want to be in my thirties when I have my first child, let alone mid to late thirties for our second. I know this seems small compared to others problems, but it feels like a huge weight on my life. I just don’t know how to handle the situation. I’m so sick of getting my friends birth and pregnancy announcements andfeeling like Im years away from that point.
Post # 2
I am sorry you are feeling sad, but I also think letting other peoples happiness bring you sorrow is kinda selfish.
Really, if I am going to be honest, there is no great time to have kids. Why not just do it, if you are feeling like this? A baby does not need a lot of space or stuff.
Post # 3
I am in a very similar situation, drowning in student loans for a degree i havnt even found a job in yet. i keep holding off waiting to start my career, clear some debt and settle in a city (as im applying all over the country) but i will be 30 soon as also dont want to wait to long… im feeling more and more like maybe just DO IT! start the family and sort the rest out later… because at the end of the day the only thing in the world that matters is family..right?
Post # 4
Olivepepper: I understand a baby doesn’t need much space or stuff. But, living in a second and third floor townhome isn’t ideal, especially in western NY winters. I can’t imagine trudging up the steep, narrow entry stair with my purse, diaper bag, baby, stroller and dog anytime we want to go anywhere. Also, all of our family lives in another town (where we are moving to) and we have literally no one in this town. I just can’t imagine having kids here.
Post # 5
I’m so sorry you’re overwhelmed. And I agree that it helps to talk about this? Does your husband know how you are feeling about this? Talking to him about this might help, and maybe he’s even feeling similarly.
The only thing I want to say is that you are betting on a lot of things happening at once that often take a long time or often don’t turn out perfectly… it’s hard to find the perfect home AND it’s hard to find a new job in any location, let alone a small geographic location. Also, some people find it hard to conceive. What about starting on one of these sooner rather than later? Why can’t you start looking for a new job now in the new town and nail that down, and then start making the move? I guess I’m just trying to get across and IF it were me in this situation, I might compromise on having 100% of the money to buy a house/make a down payment if it meant my quality of life and mood greatly increasing. I might deal with renting for a while if it meant I would be closer to my family and being in a better place sooner rather than later.
Post # 6
No, it isn’t ideal. But it isn’t impossible either. Choosing to feel like you are ‘missing a piece of your life’ purely because it will be hard to lug the baby a couple of floors and there is no family around seems silly, especially given your desired timeline.
You aren’t going to raise the baby there forever, you can still move like planned and raise the little one closer to family. I dunno. Maybe I just see things to simplistically. I mean no disrespect.
Post # 7
You said you won’t be ready to buy for another year. Could you not move now and rent something in your new town? Peope do have babies in rentals.
Post # 8
You’re not alone! My husband and I are very ready! But also have a lot of uncertainity in the next year. Moving for work, wanting to purchase our first home, I’m a supply teacher – so a new board means losing senority and starting over. We both want it now but just feel like its not the right time.
On the other side, we had my aunt with young children (2 &5) visiting from OOT, they just left and I’m exhausted! Haha as much as its what we want, it made me realize I should appreciate the freedom and time we have now! Stay positive, things will happen!
Post # 9
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
I too am a planner and you know what? The older I get the more I realize there is never a perfect time to have kids. Kids don’t care or know if you own or rent, have an amazing job or a crappy job, and on and on. When I was settled in a home I owned, I had a crappy job and I felt way too young to be a mom. Now I live in a small flat in a downtown area with a job that offers great benefits and while I feel like my window to have kids is getting smaller (I’m 30 and want to start TTC by 35 at the latest), I have so much more I want to do before being tied down with a kid.
There is no perfect situation to have kids and even if you do something bad could happen like being fired or losing your house, so even if you start TTC when everything in life is perfect, there is no guarantee you will still be that perfect position when you have your child or while they grow up. I completely understand feeling like something is missing, especially during the holidays when I ache to share my family traditions with a child of my own. You just have to pick a point to pull the trigger and do it.
Post # 10
julies1949: I’d really like to only move once. I’m willing to move 7 times if necessary to have kids, although renting now won’t put us in a better position to buy. The reason we want to buy is that our mortgage payment would be a third of a monthly rental payment. If we are paying that much more for rent, we won’t have anything extra to save up with for our down payment.
Post # 11
As someone who waited for a move, a house, and the right job before TTC, I am sure glad that I did. Also, as someone who is having my first child in my mid-30s, it’s SO not a big deal. At all.
Post # 12
sofialovesmikey: There will never be a “right time” to have children. There will always be something else you want to do, could do, should do—-
I had my first baby at 27- unmarried (but with my bf at the time). We lived in a house (rented), then moved into my parents house(!)- then we lived in a 2 BR apartment for 2.5 years.
I still don’t own the home I now live in- technically, my dad owns it, but we treat it like our own, and we do pay rent, but it’s not the same as renting from a landlord. It’s a 2 BR house. I am 34- didn’t get married til I was 33– and I am pregnant with baby #2.
Maybe you should stop waiting for everything to be perfect, and just roll with the punches. You don’t have to own a home to have a baby….and once you get pregnant, you have nine months to get some kinks worked out.
We are wanting to buy, we just aren’t quite ready yet– since this will not be a starter home, again- we are in our thirties 🙂
Post # 13
DH and I have this conversation often. He was ready to get married 2 years before me. I wanted out of college and a “career” job before we got engaged and he was frustrated with my need for perfect timing. Now we have the same conversation with kids bc he says I push it off for the next milestone (first was BFF’s wedding, then a house, then other friends wedding, then busy season at work). And he’s right. I need to let go of my need to have the perfect timing if I really want a baby soon. Especially since it could take months (or more!) to happen.
So basically, I totally get this wanting to plan and wait, but if you (and I!) can convince ourselves the throw away the plan, I’m sure it’ll work out fine!