Post # 1
Hi, bees. I’m one of those first-time callers, long-time listeners type of people. That is, I’ve actually been reading WeddingBee for a good many months now and just reading the posts on here have helped me overcome so many issues I’ve had with planning my wedding–it was comforting to see that so many other girls have gone through similar issues. Over the past year, I’ve had to replace my maid of honor (because my original maid of honor was my best friend who became extremely jealous and nasty when I got engaged), I had to replace a bridesmaid when she told me just a few months ago that she was going to be a full nine months pregnant during my wedding, put up with bridesmaids who have done absolutey NOTHING to help me plan the wedding (the ONLY thing I asked of them was that they order their dresses and they wouldn’t even do that much–I had to do it FOR them and PAY for them all too), put up with parents who keep trying to control my wedding (inviting people I don’t want at the wedding, insisting on serving a dessert that I personally hate myself, throwing a FIT because they didn’t approve of my choice for one of my bridesmaids even though this particular bridesmaid is actually the ONLY helpful one out of the five, etc.), and SO much more. To say the least, wedding planning has been nothing but a nightmare for me and even though I haven’t enjoyed it at ALL, I’ve always managed to rise above it. THIS time, however, really takes the cake and I just feel completely destroyed.
I just found out that FI’s sister-in-law has malignant breast cancer which may or may not have spread to her lymph nodes already. Not only was she one of the bridesmaids in my wedding (which is less than two months away now), but her son was supposed to be our ringbearer while her husband (FI’s eldest brother) was supposed to be a groomsman. They live in another province so they are obviously unable to come now, understandably. It stresses me out to say the least to have to try to figure out what to do about the bridal party for a THIRD time, but more importantly, I’m just heartbroken that this is happening to her. She’s only a young woman but her father died from cancer when he was only in his forties so this is extremely serious. Even if she doesn’t die, she’s going to have to have her breast removed (the week before my wedding), and undergo chemotherapy and radiation. I dread to think of how much she’s going to have to suffer whether she lives or dies, and how her little boy (my nephew who is only eight years old and watching his mother go through this). My mother-in-law (who has already buried four brothers, both of her parents, her only daughter, and a grandson) is terrified and devastated beyond words. I don’t know how to help her or myself, because to make matters even more complicated, I was diagnosed with depression myself last year and am so upset I can’t stop shaking.
I don’t know how I can possibly hope to enjoy my wedding now knowing that someone in the family is going through this while I’m getting married, and to be honest, I’m not sure that I should even TRY to enjoy it anymore out of guilt. How can you enjoy something when people you care about are suffering? Has anyone been in my position? If so, how did you get through it?
Please help me. 🙁
Post # 3
- Wedding: September 2013 - B&B
Oh I am so so sorry that all this is happening 🙁 I am sending you many virtual hugs and prayers. I can’t believe how much you and your family has been through.
I really don’t have much advice, mostly some sympathy. My aunt is dealing with breast cancer, so I can certainly understand the terror and heartbreak upon hearing the diagnosis. I can only pray for her that she comes through it… there are more and more breakthroughs all the time, keep holding onto hope.
The only other thing that I could say, and I definitely don’t want this to sound cold, but to go along with all the trials and tribulations and heartbreak, we HAVE to have joy. When good things happen (weddings, births, successes, etc.) We do have to hold onto those and appreciate those times. We need to have the good with the bad. I’m definitely not trying to minimize what is happening, just to more so say that as hard as it is, we have to make the most of every second and every chance. Again, I am sending you hugs and prayers…
Post # 4
@MoonlightRose: I’m so sorry you’re going through this. As the first commenter said, though, you don’t need to feel guilty for enjoying your wedding even during this tough time for the family. I’m sure your FI’s sister-in-law wouldn’t want you to miss out because of her. Life has its tough moments, but they make these happy moments (planning craziness aside) worth it.
Post # 5
@MoonlightRose: I got married six weeks after my 35 year old cousin suddenly and literally dropped dead. She was standing and talking but then grabbed her stomach, screamed, and died on the floor in front of her husband. She left behind two children. It did cast a pall over the day. You just live in the moment. Enjoy your wedding as it is your wedding day. Know that God does not make mistakes. Do you think your SIL will be well enough to attend the wedding? Maybe have her with you that day and smile and laugh with her and create great memories and pictures.
Post # 6
@Sunnyday278: Thank you so much for your hugs and prayers. You didn’t sound cold at all. I know that there is wisdom and truth in what you are saying, I just hope I can apply what you are telling me! I’ll try. 🙂
Post # 7
Oh I am so so sorry, that is just awful. I hope her treatment is swift and successful. It may be nice to put something in your wedding program mentioning the family members who aren’t there, or have a moment for praying for her recovery if that is something you’d be interested in. I know it’s hard. My mother went through a mastectomy, chemo, and radiation through the whole year we planned the wedding, and we had to be ready to marry immediately at a moments notice if her condition worsened. Thankfully she made a full recovery and enjoyed the day with us. Unfortunately, none of my dad’s family was able to attend our wedding due another family member dying of cancer and being buried the same weekend.
But I agree that there is no way she would want you to ruin your wedding day feeling her pain, so try to enjoy your special day as best you can and create wonderful pictures and stories you can share with her.
Post # 8
I am so sorry! I think it is important for you to enjoy your big day! If it is important to have them at the wedding, I would talk to the vendors & see if you would move the date so that they could be there.
Post # 9
@lizahbee: Unfortunately, she is unable to come because she’s in another province. She is having her surgery one week before the wedding and will be recovering during it. I know she doesn’t want me and Fiance to miss out on anythng because of this (and she actually said something similar to this) but it’s hard to help the way I’m feeling. 🙁
Post # 10
@MsATC: Thank you. I love the idea of a special prayer for her during the wedding. My wedding is a Catholic wedding Mass so this will work well. 🙂
Post # 11
This is extremely crappy. Sending virtual hugs your way!
Of course this will overshadow your day, but I guess shit happens. Whenever I’m feeling down I try and put things into perspective. At least you’re getting to marry the man you love. All the wedding drama is nothing in comparison to your FI’s SIL’s situation. Just try and think of your wedding as a one day event. Some go better than others. I know it’s supposed to be the best day of your life, but I guess you need to try and make the best of it. Maybe do something special for your Fiance SIL somehow.. take a minute out of the day and Skype with her when you’re in your dress… make her feel a part of it all.
I don’t think you should feel guilty for wanting to enjoy your day or anything like that.
Post # 12
Thank you for all the responses, ladies. They are truly appreciated. I’m sorry to hear that so many of you have also had loved ones sick and dying, especially during your wedding, but it IS nice to be able to talk to people who can relate to what’s going on…
Post # 13
I am sorry you going through this :(((
I am sure you are supporting her and calling her and everything. Maybe you should indirectly open up to her about it, like be emotional and tell her how much you think about her and pray for her… even when planning for the wedding… because you are family… then she’ll tell you to enjoy your wedding after all and that it should not be ruined because of what she is going through.. I know all the bees told you the same thing, but I think hearing it from her will help you the most and you won’t feel guilty anymore.
Post # 14
I just finished most of my treatment for breast cancer, so I hope I can give you advice from the same perspective as your SIL. Please enjoy your wedding! If she’s anything like me, it will break her heart if her illness causes you not to enjoy your wedding. It sucks enough when you youself have cancer, but it sucks even worse sometimes when you see what your illness puts your loved ones through.
Since you mentioned she’s a bridesmaid, is she involved in your wedding planning? It may seem trivial to ask her help and opinions on things while she has all this going on, but sometimes having something to distract you from cancer for a few hours is so great. Maybe you could still get her a bridesmaid bouquet and bring that and a piece of wedding cake to her after the wedding so she hasn’t been completely left out.
I’ll keep her and your family in my thoughts. This is not always a death sentence. Even if it has spread to her lymph nodes (mine had), there are so many treatments these days.
Post # 15
@misslene: Thank you so much for this! Thank you for the perspective (especially the part about how it sucks even worse when you see the effects that your illness is having on your family) and especially for the hope. I’m trying to stay positive but my mother-in-law is so terrified that FI’s sister-in-law is going to die from this (probably because she’s had SO much loss in her life already). What do they do when cancer has spready to lymph nodes? I hope you’re cancer free and healthy now!
Honestly, FI’s sister-in-law is one of the bridesmaids who was involved not involved in the wedding planning at all (and just about all of it is done now), but in all fairness to her, it would have been hard for her to do from a distance and she’s in another province. I think I’m going to take your advice and send her a bridesmaid bouquet anyway, though, since I already have them and they’re silk flowers (silk blue roses). I’ll also send the wedding video/pictures, and possibly some other little mementos from the wedding just to try to make her feel included. Thank you for the idea! 🙂
Post # 16
I’m really sorry to hear this, as well. I hope your SIL will be ok, and that treatment is successful. I do agree that you should still celebrate your wedding. Your SIL will have something to be happy about because of the wedding, even if she can’t be there in person. If you postponed or cancelled the wedding, I’m sure she would be upset.
As for the bridal party, it seems like you don’t have to do anything. You’re down a Bridesmaid or Best Man and a Groomsmen, so things are still even. Don’t stress yourself trying to get fill-ins. for the ring bearer, is there a way he can stay with relatives in your province that week? It might be the best thing during his mom’s recovery, anyway. If he can, then he can still be your ring bearer.