- 5 years ago
I feel so defeated and heartbroken as I write this. I have no one to talk to and I am so overwhelmed…so I came here. My thoughts are all over the place so I apologize if this post is all over the place too.
I previously wrote a post that explains a lot about how I’ve been feeling lately. You can read it here, if you want. In that post I didn’t go into detail about the fear that my marriage is ending, but it was very much on my mind at that time. I have done a LOT of thinking, soul searching, and crying.
DH and I went to high school together. We were very close friends before we finally started dating at age 17. We got engaged at 22, married at 23, and we are 24 now. We’ve only been married a year and a half.
We fell in love hard and FAST. Everything was a whirlwind the first summer we were together. It was the summer before I was leaving for college and he was staying behind, so I guess we were just trying to make every second count. We were together every waking moment of that summer.
When I left for college it was a huge deal for me as well as my family. I was the first in my family to go to college and I am from a VERY small town where a lot of people never “get out,” so this was supposed to be my big break. I was there less than a month before DH (then BF) made a surprise visit and ended up finding an apartment in the area and started going to the community college there. At the time I was THRILLED…looking back this was probably one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I (secretly) moved out of my dorm room into his apartment, never made new friends, never got involved in any activities, and did poorly in my classes. I lost my 4 year scholarship after that first year due to a low GPA and had to end up transferring to a state school. I was so ashamed and knew that it was due largely in part to the fact that my attention was on my BF rather than school.
During our whole dating relationship I never worked. He said he didn’t want me to “have to” work. My high school friends had moved on and I lived in a new city, and I quickly found myself with no friends at all except my BF. I was so lonely and sad and thought about breaking up with him many times, but I had no money and I didn’t know where to go and I couldn’t make myself move back in with my parents in my hometown…I was so young and stupid. We appeared to be doing everything right. He had a wonderful job…a “real” job that eventually turned into a career…we had a nice apartment, we bought furniture, got a dog, my family LOVED him.
Soon after we got engaged I realized that I said “yes” because that seemed like the obvious thing to do and there was so much invested in our relationship, more than because I was in love with him. In fact, I started to wonder how I could even know what love was, having been with ONLY him since I was 17. But we had been together 5 years and the logical next step (to me) was marriage. People get married very young where I’m from and 23 didn’t even seem that young to me then.
In our first year of marriage I began to fall apart. I began to feel trapped, stifled. This is mostly what I wrote about in my other post. I began to feel a tremendous longing to grow as a person; my thoughts and beliefs started to change and evolve. I feel like this is natural at 23/24 years old, but I felt like I wasn’t allowed to change because that was not the person he fell in love with. I have been 100% dependent on him emotionally and financially since I moved out of my parents’ home and I find myself wishing we had broken up before I got in so deep so I could have the chance to find myself.
He is a good man. He works hard, he has a good job, he does housework, and he loves me. Sometimes I wish he would just do something awful so I would have more of an “excuse” to leave…I know that’s a terrible thing for me to say. I feel like he could feel the same as I do, because he had never even KISSED anyone before me and I am all he has ever known as well…but for some reason he is happy and oblivious which makes me feel terrible about feeling this way.
I am so depressed. I feel as though I have lost myself. I feel like I am…nothing. Nothing but his wife. I have no confidence. I have nothing. When I think of our future, I see nothing. I can’t picture it at all. He talks about babies and buying a house and I can’t even envision those things. He sees our future…I can’t. How can I destroy another person’s entire world? How can I rip that future away from him? It would blindside him. How can I do that?
I feel like I have no chance out there in the world alone. I don’t know how I would support myself, I feel like no other man would ever want me, I don’t know how I would ever start a new relationship I am so insecure, I am scared I would be alone forever. I’m scared about what everyone will think of me for ending it when he seems to be so GOOD…I know everyone thinks that people take marriage too lightly these days and I’m just going to look like another one of those people.
I think about leaving every day. So many times on my drive home from work, I wonder what the possibilities would be if I just keep driving.
I’m not sure if I’m looking for advice, support…maybe just to vent. I just truly don’t know what to do.