(Closed) Feeling like the world's biggest failure…thinking of ending my marriage

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
268 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

have you ever talked to him about this? You say that you feel like you need a change and to find yourself but you feel like you cant because he fell in love with the person you are now (or once were)

 

have you ever told him this? he might be supportive of you changing. I have been with my FH since I was 15, and we are both COMPLETELY different people from when we started dating. heck, we’re very different from who we were when we got engaged, and that was just a year ago. But we’ve talked about it a lot together.

people evolve all through life. you are allowed to change. and it very well may be that your H will love and support you in it. this is a conversation you need to have if you havent already. You should also consider seeing a therapist. not a marriage one, just for you.

you may have avoided personal growth because of your relationship, but it sounds like that was your choice, it wasnt that he was forcing you to be any one way. you can make the choice to change now, even within the relationship. take time to work on yourself and talk to your husband about it, about the changes you want to make, the person you want to become. try a job. tell him you WANT to, that you want to get fulfillment. he may think he is doing right by you by you not working, but maybe he doesnt know that working might make you happy

 

if, after you give yourself some time to explore your identity while remaining in the relationship, it isnt working, THEN leave, but I dont think you have to do the latter to do the former

Post # 4
Member
942 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I’m so sorry bee– it seems like there is A LOT you need to accomplish in your own life, before you can focus on your life potentially together. 

It really is okay to share this with him, to have him understand that you feel that you never allowed yourself to grow without him by your side and that you need space to do that. Even if it’s not a divorce, I think you need a break to find yourself.

It seems like your relationship moved faster than you wanted– or at least when you look back, it seems that way to you. I too think it’s important to have a life outside of your relationship and that it’s important to have life experiences before settling down.

But all is not lost. You can let him know that things moved too fast, and that you need some space to refocus and recollect yourself. Let him know that you’ve been feeling lost.

Maybe a short-term trip? Go spend some time in Europe and travel around– find yourself that way. Meet new people in hostels (they’re not dreadful places, I promise. They’re full of other young adventurers seeking to find themselves and experience LIFE) It’s only a temporary escape to regain some sanity, indepdence, and SPACE! Journal a lot. That may be intimidating, but England is a cinch for  independent travellers and it may be all you need to clear your head. (I understand that this doesn’t work for everyone, but it has changed me and shaped my life and relationships…every 2 years I take a trip just for me..and I’m in my mid 20s)

A trip would give you the physical space and independence, as well as TIME to think about what you actual want in life. But you really do need to make connections with other people in your area– even if it’s just a book club, or a volunteer group or organization. 

I’m so sorry you’re feeling so heavy and down. We’ve all been lonely and depressed at some point in our lives, and it WILL pass. It seems like your relationship has hope to be very loving and healthy in the future– and once you take some time for youself, you can work TOGETHER on rebuilding that. Making it fun, exciting, and desirable again.

Feel free to PM me and hang in there bee, I’ll be thinking of you.

Post # 5
Member
2907 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’m curious about what it is that you want to do and how he holds you back from that? I agree with @radishtime:  that people evolve all the time, and you might be surprised at how quickly your husband adapts to that. 

This really sounds like something that could be addressed in counseling… It might just be that you guys aren’t communicating your desires very well. But I also think that growing and finding your identity is something that you can definitely do without leaving your marriage. 

Post # 6
Member
942 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

As I read this again, I can pick up on how sad you are. Tomorrow, do one thing for yourself. Whether is be getting your nails done, or going to see a really awesome movie. Just do something you usually wouldn’t do by youself, it’s refreshing.

 

Post # 8
Member
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

@selfishbee:  You should go and explore those interests. Don’t just think about pursuing them, go out and do them! You don’t have to cut all ties right now. You can see how he reacts to the changes and if he can grow to accept that. If not, then I guess that’s when you should truly let the relationship go.

Post # 9
Member
790 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I know you didn’t ask for advice so take this just as a response to your thoughts. I couldn’t find in your post where you mentioned if you feel love for this man. You can’t love someone just because he’s a “good man” and others think you should love him. Your post also hints that you may be interested in trying out relationships with other men because this man is all you’ve really known. I personally think this is one of the major drawbacks when high school relationships continue. If they’re meant to last, they can endure some testing of the waters before a major committment. I think what you’re feeling is very normal.

You are young (I’m old enough to be your mother) and youth is when you get a chance to spread your wings and learn about the world. However, you can still do this and be married (if you love him). If he’s a good man, he’ll encourage you and not feel threatened by it. If you’ve gone from your parents house to this man’s house without working, you are still operating as a child on some levels. You have to get independent.

BUT you need to love yourself first. So go get a job immediately. A real job and make enough money to support yourself. You’ll be amazed at how good you’ll feel. Next, go learn something new. Take a class, learn an art, anything you’ve ever been interested in. You’re complaining about feeling stifled but you’re not doing anything about it. After you save a bit of money from your own job, go take a trip alone or with a girlfriend.

Be independent. Be strong and decisive. Take charge of your life. Either you’ll decide to stay married or you won’t – but I think you need to be in control of YOUR life before you make any decisions. BONUS: good men think that women who are strong and decisive are hot.  Good luck!

Post # 10
Member
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@selfishbee:  I definitely recommend counseling. You can and should go alone.

I have to say, I empathize with you very much. I’ve struggled with many of the same feelings (though my husband is very supportive of my interests). I’m older than you–27–but have been dating my husband since I was 20, and he’s my 2nd bf but my first serious bf. 

What you need to figure out (counseling should help) is whether you have already checked out of your relationship. At your age, wanting independence is natural and not a sign of commitment phobia, so while I do agree with the other comments here that personal growth can and should be able to happen within your relationship, you should also know that it is perfectly ok to leave if you feel that’s what you need to do to be happy. Have you ever heard of Dear Sugar? It’s this amazing advice column written by a spectacular writer, and I rember one column in which she was asked a series of questions by women worried about leaving their bfs/fiances 

ETA: gah, sorry, typing on iPad and accidentally submitted too soon. More to come…

Post # 11
Member
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@selfishbee:  I think you need to talk to him about this. Obviously I don’t know you, but if you went back to school or did some activities on your own, maybe you would feel better? I know there’s not a quick fix but you need to build your confidence back up!

Do you truly not love him or are you just in a rut? It sounds like many things are wrong… but I guess this is what is meant by “for better or worse”. This sounds really bad, but maybe you can get through it if you let him know what’s going on.

It sounds like you’ve stifled any desires or ambitions to be with him, and now you’re regretting it. That doesn’t mean you need to throw your life as you know it away completely. You need to figure out what you want. Would being alone solve your problems? I’m not sure. Only you know that. I guess what I am trying to get at, is whether your husband is the problem or just part of the problem. It’s like you stopped communicating and now resent him.

I strongly suggest you go to counseling.. with or without your husband. It might help you figure stuff out. I wouldn’t throw in the towel quite yet.

Post # 12
Member
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@selfishbee:  I didn’t see your additional post about how you’ve talked to him and how he doesn’t like when you go out, etc.

I think you need to be blunt with him. Tell him that you need to have interests outside of him and that you are thinking of leaving. It’s pretty simple. You’re not doing anything wrong and he is borderline controlling/abusive.

 

Post # 13
Member
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

OMFG I hate this stupid iPad. I just wrote a forever long response and it ate it. Ugh. 

Long story short, if you love him and want to make things work, you can and should certainly find a way to grow in the relationship. But wanting to be free at this stage in your life is not bad thing, so don’t gloss over your own feelings because you feel they’re not legitimate. They are the most legitimate things in the world. If your feelings and desires don’t matter to you, who will they matter to? Sometimes wanting to leave is reason enough. Which is not to say that there isn’t value in staying and working things out, but that there is also value in following your heart. Good luck with whatever you choose!

Post # 14
Member
665 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@lorie:  +1000 to everything you said!

Post # 15
Member
6745 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

I read both your posts and skimmed through some of the updates.

Personally, I don’t think that this is a relationship that must end in order for you to feel happy in life. Do you still love him and want to make things work?  If so, I think you can, but it will take some work.

First, I think we all know that he is wrong – my impression of him is that he is immature still and that you allowed things to happen early on in the relationship that you should have put your foot down about that set the stage for you to be very unhappy now.  I don’t think you knew, you were both young. 

You need to sit and talk with him and tell him specific things you want changed – or else you’re leaving.  Tell him you want to be able to go out without him with your girlfriends, you want to try new things and explore life (I don’t see why trying new things is something he couldn’t also do with you – it doesn’t have to be everything, but some of the things can be done together), you want to get a job even though you don’t ‘have’ to work, you want to, and that the two of you need to go to counseling together.  Make a list like this of specific things you want to do (maybe even some examples of “new” things you want to try) and tell him these are your demands in the relationship if he wants to keep it going and if he wants to make it work.  Just be blunt – “I’m unhappy and you can help me get to be happy or I can leave and figure it out on my own.” 

I think if he still doesn’t give it an effort after that, you can feel like you’ve done everything you can and it’s time to move on.  It might be heartbreaking, but at least you don’t have kids with him yet.  Everything else you mentioned – breaking his heart, ruining his dreams of the future, what everyone else will think, etc – who cares?  If you’re not happy, then you need to fix it.  But first, for the sake of trying to save the relationship (only if you still care to, which it seems you do), I think it’s important to have a chat with him – a serious one, sitting at a table, bring a written list with you of things you want changed and also allow him to express his list.

Preface the chat with “This isn’t meant to hurt or insult you, but it is how I’m feeling, and if you care for me to be happy, which I know you do, you will listen without getting insulted.”  This is one of those cases where “it’s not you, it’s me” is actually true, but just don’t say that – because the bottom line is, it’s certainly also him.  If he wasn’t so controlling and allowed you to breathe, you wouldn’t be feeling this way now.  You’re suffocated and that’s because he’s suffocating you.  And I don’t think he’s doing it maliciously or intentionally, I think it’s because he’s immature and now he’s just used to it.  He probably never learned that this was wrong because no girl ever fought with him about it and broke up with him over it – that’s why I think dating is so important, because it teaches you how to be in a relationship, and it seems like he’s never had that.

I hope you resolve things – keep us updated!

Post # 16
Member
623 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I’m confused because you said he doesn’t want you to work and that you can’t leave because you’re ‘100% financially’ dependant on him,  but you wrote ‘on my way home from work I think about leaving him’. 

I also don’t think that any of what you have written is grounds for divorce or even an unhappy marriage. If you talked to him & he ignored you or didn’t support your desires than sure, you might need to leave- but you need to talk to him first.

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