Feeling lost and not sure what to do

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
588 posts
Busy bee

starlight0205:  You need to work on your health right now. I know you want your sex life to return to normal, but it’s not going to until you get this medical situation figured out. It’s hard when you’re exhausted to want to have sex – it’s also hard when you’ve been hearing someone vomit for days to want to have sex with them. You and your DH have  totally legitimate reasons to not be rambunctious in bed right now. 

It’s not the marriage hurting your sex life, it’s the vomiting blood! Keep going in for tests and get this figured out. Him not wanting sex right now doesn’t have to have anything to do with him getting it somewhere else – he’s probably just compassionate for what you’re going through. It’s hard to worry about someone and want to jump them at the same time.

Post # 3
1244 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

starlight0205:  It seems to me that the illness, along with you not being able to work as much might have your husband resenting the situation. That can definitely affect the desire for intimacy, especially if he is stressed out worrying about money. Can you find a way to work from home, like with a second job that would allow it? 

Post # 4
1362 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley

Sometimes it’s hard when things go wrong.  When my mother was diagnosed with cancer, my dad couldn’t afford to take off of work to go to the doctor with her.   Your husband cares – I’m sure of it!  But he also has to worry about your financial stability, and that’s good too.  While your health is #1, don’t fault your husband for not going to the doctor with you.  He’s doing something even better:  working so that you both can afford to send you to the doctor and get any treatment you may need!  

He’s surely feeling the stress of the situation, just like you are.  That is probably a contributor to why your sex life has diminished.  But I wouldn’t be focused on the sex.  I’d focus on getting better.  

Understand that not everyone handles illness in the same way.  He may get quiet, frustrated, or emotional.  Who knows, but I don’t think it’s making him love you any less. 

I hope you are OK, and that you get better soon!

Post # 6
588 posts
Busy bee

starlight0205:  You need to sit him down and talk. It’s hard for a lot of people to deal with the illness of others. He could have any number of things going through his head, but you can only know by asking him. 

Post # 7
6407 posts
Bee Keeper

Unfortunately, he sounds resentful, or at the very least, scared of the potential burden your illness may put on him, financially and otherwise, into the indefinite future.

This needs to be addressed. It’s understandable that he’s scared, and that’s something to talk about, maybe come up with workable plans for various scenarios (you get worse/you stay the same for a while/you get better) but he needs to get over the resentment and keep his vows “in sickness and in health” top-of-mind. He made a commitment to you, as you did to him, and you are not breaking it by being ill. He needs to honor you as his wife, not resent you for something bad that happened to you and is not under your control. You can both grieve the fact that you are sick, that affects both of your lives and plans negatively and it is only understandable that it upsetting, but he should not be blaming you for it. That will harm your marriage and potentially harm your health as well.

If the two of you can talk this out and reach a point of mutual understanding and support by yourselves, that would be ideal. However, don’t put out of your mind the idea of involving a third party (a couple’s therapist) to help you get to that place. The sooner the better… letting this resentment hang around isn’t doing either of you any good.

Post # 9
2474 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

You already know you need to talk to him… but I would really sit and try to imagine it from his perspective, too. He’s probably trying really hard not to let this affect him and you, but his life has completely changed in the last couple of months, and it sounds like he doesn’t know how to cope with it. It’s common when there are huge life stressors for a couple not to have sex much (if at all). I would focus more on your relationship with him first, then let the sex follow. I can understand why he’s not interested at the moment, but it’s not going to stay that way forever.

Post # 10
1116 posts
Bumble bee

Stress can have a major impact on your libido so I’d guess if he’s worried about everything he probably won’t be in the mood for that sort of thing.  It’s also possible that with you being so ill he sees you as very delicate at the moment and is worried about hurting you by doing physical stuff. I agree that you need to sit down and talk everything through with him though

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