Post # 1
I am looking for advice from a third party. I feel as if I am at a cross roads in my relationship. I am engaged to a man that I really do love with all of my heart. We are in love, have a great relationship, a great friendship and we fit in well together. We rescently bought a house and want to start planning our wedding soon.
There is only one issue… his family. It is mostly his mother. I would write a million stories about things she has done to me over the last three years. I put up with her ignorant commens and outragous behavior for all these years because I believed that my FH would set her straight once he moved out. He said the only reason he never took up for me or for himself was because his mom had so much to hold over him.
Well they had a big argument the other day and he went over his parent’s house to talk. He went over all of his points which were: broken promises, rude comments, negitivity, no support, nasty text messages, spreading rumors about us, threating us, etc. They laughed them off and cried to him about how how doesn’t talk to them enough and so on. He claims he tried to tell them he stopped communicating with them because of their actions but they didnt accept it. By the end of their talk he agreed that he would start texting his mom everything he does and everywhere he goes for now on so she feels included.
I am so upset. These are the actions a teenager takes, not an adult. I feel very stupid for thinking all these year he would stand up for us and im let down that he didnt. Even if they dont want to see or believe his points I dont feel they should be just let go.
I dont know what to do. I am seriously considering ending our engagement and even relationship. Not specificaly over tonight but over all of this. How can we have a healthy marriage if his family is always driving a wedge between us? This is the only thing we really fight about. We have to hide things from her so she wont fly off the handel and I cant do that the rest of my life.
I am so lost. So sorry to post something so personal on here but I dont want to tell anyone who knows us yet because I dont want this to go around. I went to my parents house tonight and we are going to talk tomorrow. What would you do?
Post # 3
@LoveMe704744: Wow. I’m so sorry that you’re in this situation. I would be concerned not so much about his mother’s actions, although that is a huge issue in itself, but the fact that your Fiance can’t seem to stand up to her. I do think that it’s promising that he was able and willing to confront his parents, but it’s unfortunate that he wasn’t able to hold his ground. I would suggest counseling, maybe some with both of you and some with just him, so that you all can figure out how to not let his parents affect your relationship. I hope he finds a way to do what you need him to do in order for you to feel supported, because it seems like you really love him and don’t want to give up because of this issue.
Post # 4
@LoveMe704744: talk to him about it, tell him how you feel , let him know you want changes to be made or you won’t stay any longer. He needs to tell his parents to stop being mature, to respect you because you are his future wife and its going to be that way for a long time. If it doesn’t change then you can consider ending it
Post # 5
Yes, if your Fiance can’t establish reasonable boundaries with his parents, you should not marry him. But before you break it off, I suggest a few sessions for the two of you with a family counselor. He may need professional help to do this; when you grow up with people who don’t understand boundaries, you often don’t acquire the skills you need to establish them. And hearing from a neutral third party that his parents’ behaviour is over the line shoud be a wake-up call.
Post # 6
I’d have a serious talk with him. It’s not necessary or healthy for a grown man to be telling his parents about everything he does and everywhere he goes. i could NOT deal with that. He needs to man up or else I’d leave to be honest. That’s just a very weird, unhealthy relationship to have with your parents.
Post # 7
Darling Husband was like this when I met him. All his life, he looked at this as love, not his family having an unhealthy obsession over needing him there all the time.
Enter me…and I totally rocked this family. I didn’t deliberately do it, but my family isn’t nosy or overbearing. Over time, Darling Husband saw how a family should treat their children and what kind of boundaries you need to have with your family.
His family resisted pretty heavily, but Darling Husband stood his ground and made sure his mom knew no calling after 9P, we aren’t spending every Sunday with her, we aren’t spending the night, and telling her that when we do things together he will call her back later.
It isn’t perfect, and Darling Husband still has issues telling his family no, but it is way better than it used to be. Your Fiance has to be willing to stand up to his parents a little in order for it to work though. You cannot do this for him. If he is unwilling to do this for you or refuses to even make baby steps towards figuring this out then it may be time to at least call off the engagements until he can get this thing handled.
Trust me, Darling Husband and I spent most of our manditory pre-martial counseling tackling this issue. It isn’t easy and doesn’t happen overnight.