Post # 1
Excuse the self-pity party.
Lately, I’ve been having a total out-of-body experience. Our wedding is going to be lovely, no doubt. Our vendors are excellent and everything is coming together. We are really stoked and ready to be married. I just feel like I’m planning a wedding for someone else.
It’s the wedding I always wanted and now that it’s happening, I don’t feel like I fit in. I feel like a total nerd at every vendor appointment. I made the mistake of looking at our planner’s past clients and they’re gorgeous, svelte, perfect. I’m stocky and thick and feel plain most of the time. My gown is incredible but I didn’t lose the weight I had planned to, and with my height, I feel like a silly little girl playing dress-up. My hair and makeup trial went fine but I nearly burst into tears when I left because I thought I would feel magically feel transformed, but it felt like my horrible prom all over again. ARRRGH.
I’ve had self-esteem issues since I can remember and I want to blame my deceased mother. I feel awful for doing so because she’s not around to defend herself. On the one hand, I miss her terribly and have desperately wanted her around through this whole process. On the other hand, she was verbally abusive and if I didn’t make these remarks about myself, she surely would have. I was never thin enough, pretty enough, never wore the right clothes, etc. That damaged part of me feels all these regrets because I feel like I let her down. It’s ridiculous, but I’d been reminded of what a failure I was to her since the third grade.
I’m sure this is just pre-wedding stress and I’m overanalyzing myself as a result but how the hell do I get through this without beating myself up further?
Post # 3
Focus on the day and what it truly means……marriage to the most amazing person in your life! I know its easy to get caught up in comparing , but seriously make it a point to ignore it! You are beautiful and special! Start acting like it 🙂
And for the stuff regarding your mother, I’m so sorry! Hopefully you have someone you can talk to ( counselor, family member etc) as the wedding is sure to stir up some emotions.
Thinking of you!
Post # 4
@techie: There is a book called Adult Children of Abusive Parents by Steven Famer I would recommend you pick up.
Ultimately, you can not help who you love no matter how badly they treated you. Do not feel guilty for that.
Also, love yourself a little more. Your mother didn’t do the best job of showing you love, so you are left with this terrible habit, and that tends to drag you down more than you need it to. Don’t worry, you can retrain yourself to think and act differently.
When the day arrives, you will not be so focused on your internalizations of yourself; you’ll be too busy enjoying your new husband.
Post # 5
@StuporDuck: It’s funny that you mention that book because I recently recommended it to a good friend going through serious conflicts with her mother, but I never thought about picking it up for myself. Before the wedding planning began, I thought I was healed and had moved past these feelings. Overall I am very happy. My Fiance is the most incredible man I know and I’m really excited about our future. Until now, I thought this internal self-abuse was normal.
@Eva Peron: I am seriously considering a counselor now. It really hit me when I got so upset about something as silly as makeup. Thank you 🙂
Post # 6
There is another, tho older book by Dr. Susan Forward called Toxic Parents that I found really helpful.
Post # 7
@techie: I went through the same thing not long before our wedding too. I did a full trial run of dress,hair jewellry shoes,veil the whole shebang. And when I looked in the mirror I was heartbroken. I still looked like me!!!I wanted to look like one of those flawless,gorgeous women that I saw all the time on the bee,and magazines,blogs etc and instead like you,I just felt like a big kid messing about playing dress up.It put me in a huge downer,and I couldnt take evrything off fast enough,I started having doubts about everything wedding related (apart from now Darling Husband of course)
And you know what?On the wedding day I never thought twice about any of my fears, I was surrounded by people who told me how amazing I looked,I was beautiful and all the rest. And I finally looked in that mirror and I saw a goregeous,perfect, lovely bride,waiting nervously to get married (And Im not normally confident at all!) And whenever I look back at the photos, I think how amazing I looked, rockin my dress,veil and aweseome hair and makeup. I finally felt like I fit into that “perfect bride” image thats pushed onto us from magazines.
Have faith you will be beautiful because you will be YOU!
Post # 8
I feel the same as you. But I am constantly reminding myself that I have NEVER seen an ugly bride. All brides are glowing, gorgeous, and most importantly… MARRIED.
Post # 9
Just so you know- it’s totally ok to have a pity party. Get a fun party hat, a bottle of wine, a box of tissues, and a good friend & just let it all go. It’s cathartic & you’ll feel better (albeit hungover) after!
Remember that your Fiance wants to marry YOU. Don’t let anyone get you down, you are a unique & special individual.
Post # 10
@techie: I can totally relate, I almost fled the bridal shop in tears when trying on dresses, it’s not that I’m fat per se, but I used to be anorexic and now I’m on the curvy side and I just felt like even though I normally avoid mirrors that when I was wearing ‘the dress’ I would suddenly like what I saw
I say you need counseling to work on this—because it has nothing to do with how you really look on the outside-and you deserve to feel good on your day-I swear when you look back on those picks 30 years from now you’re going to think you were crazy for feeling so insecure
Post # 11
@sassy411: Thanks! I’ll look into it.
@kimbo89: Thank you for this. Hopefully I’ll get to that point myself. I just need to stop looking at photos and nitpicking!
@ohmybears48: Very true. I’ve never seen an ugly bride myself.
@DaneLady: Best photo ever! I’m seeing my girlfriends this weekend for the first time in months so I hope they’re ready, haha 🙂
Post # 12
@techie: I hope you do, I still nitpick all my photos,point out my double chin,bad skin etc but whenever I look at my wedding photos,its like theyre untouchable lol!It must be all the happy thoughts associated with the day
Post # 13
@sylvia.riggle: I already feel pretty silly about it. 🙂 I’ve been looking at local counselors since this morning. I’m so glad Fiance is understanding and not freaking out like some men would. This has nothing to do with him and he gets that.
@kimbo89: Good to hear!!