(Closed) Feeling My Friend is Rushing Her Relationship & Jealousy [Longish Vent]

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
313 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2005

I think, with all due respect and love…that you are jealous…and for, I guess I could say silly, but it’s not so silly…reasons.  It’s not that it’s a matter of your time to shine…although it could be, your friend has and is probably rubbing it in, an easier life then you will have.  But can you really say that it’s love?   I’ve been married for about 7 1/2 years now and I can honestly say a lot of people get jealous of the money.  Money isn’t something that you can take with you when ya die.

 My sister and her hubby make a CRAP ton more then my hubby and I do, and yeah I get a little jealous.  She is incredibaly intelligent, she has a new job being a Space Vehicle Controller…no shit…she literally is in charge of the space vehicle’s on Mars and such…and her husband…well I don’t know what he does.  A part of  me thinks….dear lord how is my child going to think well of her mother when her Aunt is …..THAT.

But you know what?  Your life is yours, and her life is hers.  You can voice your opinion once but after that what happens to her is her own fault.  What really matters in life is how YOU live it.  I don’t know your religious beliefs but your life is your own to be judged on your own.  No matter what your friend does or how ‘easy’ her life is, it isn’t your life.  Live as best you can, as well as you can.  You can’t live your life in someone elses shadow.  I don’t know if this helps any…at all, but I think you should have faith in yourself.

 

Post # 4
Member
688 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@waitinginSF:  my BFF moves pretty fast too, she moved in with her current SO after about 2 months of being “official”, but that was 2 years ago.

Look, everyone has different relationship wants. Maybe she wants someone who feels like they could be a good companion in life, she may not need a burning passion for that person, and thats okay! Not to mention, opposites attract.

I, personally, wouldn’t say anything unless she asks. The talking about him all the time thing, will pass. 99% of us do that in a new relationship.

 

Post # 5
Member
9062 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Different strokes for different folks. Maybe she does love this person, and maybe he loves her too. It isn’t for you to say. Every relationship moves to the beat of a different drum. I moved in with my SO two and a half months after I started dating him, and we were married six months later.

Money is nothing to be jealous over. It’s just money, and this is coming from somebody who isn’t wealthy by any stretch of the imagination — We can’t even afford a wedding ring for me.

If you are comfortable financially, what is there to be jealous of?

Post # 6
Member
661 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@waitinginSF:  I have actually been both in your shoes and inyour friend’s shoes. If I were you, I would not say anything at all negative to her–there is no way that you won’t come off as jealous of her, and the fights/issues that would ensue could do irreparable damage to the friendship.

I was really jealous of a friend who got engaged to this guy who she barely knew who bought her a huge $34,000 engagement ring that she flashed around all over the place. He also  financially supported her in other ways. I held my tongue, and they ended up breaking up, and my reluctant-to-get engaged boyfriend finally ended up proposing. We’re happy and we’re getting married in April. I was glad I never said anything.The thing is, people do what they want. Your saying something is not going to stop them, you will look like a jerk, and she will just resent you. 

However, if they get married, so what if they have money?  You’re not doing so bad–got a nice FI, no debt, and you both seem to be together for good reasons.

Not all feelings should be communicated in my opinion. My grandmother had a saying, “Never miss a good chance to shut up.” 

Post # 8
Member
1500 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t think saying anything would do any good…if its not meant to be it won’t be for them. But you don’t know what their relationship is like behind closer doors. They could be a great match and so happy together. It’s best to just let people make their own mistakes. It’s hard, but all you can do is voice concern if they’re putting themselves in danger, otherwise just stay out of it because it’ll cause hurt feelings. Moving in too soon isn’t a huge danger…worst case (well, probable worst case) is they break up. That’s all you can guess. My husband and I moved in after 2 months, got married after 5, and have been ttc for 3 months. Sometimes, pieces just fall into place. And yea, money is great, but its not everything. Money can cause a lot of problems. 

Post # 9
Member
4049 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@waitinginSF:  She said she loves that he is stable, isn’t afraid of commitment, has the same life goals (kids, marraige), financially well off, and has nice eyes.

Those sound like good reasons to be. I would want someone stable, who also wanted commitment and the same life goals, as well as having his finances in order (and nice eyes is a bonus)! She’s not drooling and saying, “Omg, I’m head over heels in love.” Maybe that is just not how she expresses it.

Maybe she is madly in love and this is the perfect relationship for her. Maybe they aren’t all that that compatible and will figure that out eventually.

As long as it isn’t a damaging relationship (no abuse, put downs, etc.), then sit back and let it play out. Though I definitely understand the jealousy!

Post # 10
Member
569 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Goodness, for a second I wondered if this was a joke and you were describing Fifty Shades of Grey as I have never known anyone to splash the cash like that in real life. Personally I would feel terrified and smothered in her shoes.

It’s okay to feel jealous BUT you need to recognise it for what it is, and not act on it. As to it being your time to shine, sorry, you get one day. 

Incidentally my SO doesn’t make that much money. But yesterday he went out in the freezing cold and walked half an hour each way (car is currently in the garage) to the one open shop in our area just to get something I wanted to eat. Hlm makes up songs to sing to our cat. He helps out my parents.

I will take those sweet, priceless things over money any day.

Post # 11
Member
240 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Money doesn’t buy happyness, i know several very very rich people that are miserable. Or he might put all those things on credit, you never know. Try to support her and guide her, people make stupid decissions all the time and there’s nothing you can do. My step sisster decided to go for a baby with her boyfriend of 4 months in  foreign country, without jobs or an education and iving with his mom and she doesn’t see the problem. 

Post # 12
Member
823 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

haha, my SO is buying me a macbook too, we just went to a couples’ spa and he also basically took me on a shopping spree around christmas. but I refrained from sharing this with my friends, since we don’t live in the same country anymore and if I specifically took the time to call them about these things it would definitely be rubbing their noses in it.

however, when we did live in the same country, did I brag a little? I must have!! just so happy I had to share! putting aside your jealousy though, you do sound like a loyal, concerned friend, and if I was your friend I’d be touched you cared so much. but if you pushed the issue I’d just be annoyed, since it means you don’t trust my judgement. :p does she have a history of impulsive bad decision-making? if not, let her be. maybe she caught a lucky break in life. :] but why should you be jealous? you’ve got love on your side, and no money troubles! heck, planning a wedding together sounds FUN! I wish I had someone to talk an ear off about wedding stuff; hence I came here! if I talk too much about wedding planning with my non-engaged friends I’d just look like a huge arse, lol!!

Post # 13
Member
1652 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I sympathise with your feelings of jealousy. However as I’ve got older I’ve learned a few things which help me when I do get jealous:

  • Things are not always what they seem on the outside – the most perfect seeming relationships and people can be much less than perfect if you were able to see really closely into their lives.
  • Money is not happiness. Expensive gifts are not happiness. Happiness is found elsewhere. These things are in fact often used as masks for empiness and unhappiness.
  • People’s relationships move at different speeds in different stages and comparing yourself to others is pointless as someone who just got married could be divorced the next year.

Life your own life and be happy – that is my advice.

Post # 14
Member
3150 posts
Sugar bee

@waitinginSF:  I would keep my mouth shut and mind my own business. I had a friend who was in a very similar situation as your friend. When they started dating on February 2011, he took her out to fancy dates, the spa, a trip to Hawaii, etc. She was so in love and actually asked me if it was okay if she got married before I did (my boyfriend now fiance had been together for almost four years at that point). She also kept on telling me that the two of them had a deeper connection and were more in love than my now-FI and I. Sure, I bashed her behind her back as all good friends do 😉 but I just kept my mouth shut and supported her decisions. They moved in together in June 2011, and then three weeks or so later, they broke up very horribly and she was depressed and heartbroken. I just supported her and was her friend throughout this process. Oh, and to add salt to the wound, he went on and bashed her all over the internet.

So, yeah…my advice is to keep your mouth shut and let her figure out things on her own.

Post # 15
Member
9396 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

No I don’t think you should say anything to her.  It does sound like jealousy but that is nothing to be ashamed about, it happens to all of us.

Some of her reasons are good ones.  I want someone stable, not afraid of commitment, and the same life goals too!  It’s her life and she can make whatever decisions she feels best.  Maybe they’re perfect for each other and it will work out or maybe they’ll breakup.  But you shouldn’t give her advice unless she asks for it or there is something seriously wrong.  Just let things happen.

My FI and I met at 27 and moved in 3.5 months after we met!  I had never lifed with an SO before but we just felt it was right and then we were engaged about 8 months after we moved in together.  I never thought I’d do something that fast, but we just knew it was right and we were at the right place in our lives to do it.

Post # 16
Member
11753 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@waitinginSF:  Every relationship moves at different paces and no one can judge that except for the 2 people in it.  Be happy for your friend as you would want her to be happy for you.

I actually see nothing wrong with the reasons she gave for wanting to marry him.  I think they’re good reasons for building a solid foundationg with someone and many of the thing she listed are things I looked for in a man when dating and are reasons why I wanted to marry my fiance.

I think you are jealous and for no good reason other than you want the spotlight to yourself.  But the thing about life is, you don’t get to be in the spotlight by yourself, except on your wedding day.  Other people can and will get engaged and move in together and plan weddings and be pregnant at the same time you will be.  You need to get over it.  No one else’s life plans will take away from any of your life plans unless you let it by being overly concerned with what everyone else is doing and worrying about it runing your experience.

Life is what you make of it.  Every experience is about how you respond to the things around you.  You can make this time in your life great and happy for yourself by not letting other people’s life events bother you or you can make it a miserable time by being jealous. Only you get to decide that.

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