Post # 1
You ladies are like my therapist…but for free! Anyway, today I’m just not feeling like myself. I feel like I could cry at the drop of a dime not to mention I’m feeling anxious. This is not wedding related. It’s just there is so much to be done at our house and I feel like I can’t get my head above the water there. My FI has a high stress job and when he comes home all he does is sit on his arse. I work too but when I get home, it’s take care of the dogs, tidy the kitchen, and everything else inbetween. It’s beginning to piss me off. Then when my FI DOES have free time, i.e. I’m busy for a few hours on the weekend, he opts to go into work to tidy his office when his side of our office at home looks like a train hit it and it’s been this way for at least 2 years. Not to mention he has piles and piles of clothes in the laundry room which have been like this for 2-3 years. He complains he has no dresser space, so I’ve cleared some and he bought a cheapie dresser to put in the closet…do you think anything is in them? NO. And before I would put his clothes away as a nice thing to do for him but they always eventually end up back in piles in the laundry room.
He’s a stacker…of mail, of clothes, of all of his crap. And he wonders why he can’t find anything. I’m just so sick of it and I’ve told him time and time again, why don’t you please take care of your office and the clothes. And he never does. Or he’ll do 5 minutes of work and think he’s accomplished a wonderful task that deserves to be recognizes. I’m so frustrated. This is causing me angst. I seriously feel like I need to take a personal day tomorrow and just take care of all of the crap.
What I really want to do is take trash bags and just dump his crap from his desk in them because he has NO IDEA what’s on his desk and floor of his office.
Writing about this even bring on the anxiety. I just took the attitude of ‘I’m not touching anything of his’ because then he’ll just revert to the thought of, ‘She’ll do it.’
I’m sorry to rant but I needed to get this out of my system.
Post # 3
Communication is key! This can be a really stressful time and if he doesn’t know its stressing you out, he’ll keep on doing it. I’d suggest that you explain these feelings to him. How you love and support him and you’re so proud of everything he does but taht you need a little more support at home.
Post # 4
Oh no! I can understand just how you feel! I have things piling up in my house and i’m like “ek, i wanna take a trash can to it all”. Clutter stresses me out. Being disorganized stresses me out.
Granted, my guy is like this too. He’ll let it sit and fester until it either drives him so crazy he can’t take it (months) or i do a big clean up for him (like i clean his apartment while i’m visiting when he’s at work).
I know cleaning is work, and it’s definitely the last thing I want to do after “work” all day, but you really have to say “okay, Saturday, we’re going to clean for 4 hours”. Maybe make the office the last priority? Work on rooms you SHARE.
And um, I’m pretty sure at some point I’d take a few big 5 gallon containers, dump a bunch of stuff in them, and set them in the garage…..and see if he notices how “clean” everything is. Then if he’s missing something, point him to that!
I think talking to him before it gets on your nerves is best. Maybe in a neutral place–like when you’re having breakfast at a coffee shop. Drop a “hey i think we shoudl clean house today. We should reduce some clutter; i think it’d free up so much space in our house!” then tackle each room TOGETHER. NOne of this “i’ll do the kitchen, you do the bedroom” kind of thing.He’s messy, and it’s obviously causing strain on you guys! There need to be some basic courtesies exhibited both ways. Like, maybe you look the other way for one pile of clothes, but not multiples.
My mom had a “rule” growing up. If it was on the floor for more than 24 hours, it went into a “3 week basket” =]. She’d tell us we obviously don’t care enough about said item to leave it laying around, haha.
BTW i’m pretty sure my closet looks like his office and it’s driving me bonkers. But it takes 4 hours to redo my closet, which i do every 3 or 4 months. Ugh, not looking forward to it haha.
Post # 5
((HUGS)) as an unorganized/clutter person it’s very very hard to just up and pick everything up. tell him that “Saturday we’re going to go through all of the stuff to see what we can’t donate, tax season is coming up and we need a good tax deduction, and there may be a coat in there for a needy person”. I still work on it almost on a daily basis, trying to make sure that everything properly has its place etc. it’s very overwhelming and he may be overwhelmed which is why he’d rather go to the office to straighten up because it keeps appearances up.
Post # 6
@ejs4y8 – I like the ‘let’s do a 4 hour clean up together in the same room’ idea. You have some good ones. I also like your mom’s 24 hour rule then 3 week basket rule. Hmmm, it’s definitely got my mind thinking.
Great ideas! Thanks everyone.
Post # 7
Ugh that is so hard when two people living together have such different levels of comfort with mess. I am probably more like your FI than like you. I do clean my house before I have guests because I’m embarrassed… but to be honest if no one ever came to my house it would be chaos. I leave clothes in baskets for weeks and mail piles up for months. The thing is… I just don’t care. It doesn’t bother me. That is probably how your FI feels. He needs his work office to be organized maybe because it makes his job easier and/or because people are in it all the time. He doesn’t need his personal space to be organized, and maybe it is a relief to him to have a place to kind of let his messy self free.
That being said, he needs to be respectful of the fact that you are not comfortable with a mess. You two need to sit down and have a real talk. What are the goals of the house (i.e. to be clean or not to worry about it), whose job is it to do what, etc. Living with someone comes with the responsibility of taking their feelings into account. Just because I can ignore mail for 3 mo on my own doesn’t mean that I get to do that when I live with someone who hates clutter. etc.
In regards to anxiety generally, I have that sometimes about various things and what always helps me is to have a plan. If I can sit down and write out what I’m anxious about, and then write out my plan to take care of whatever it is, a lot of that anxiety subsides.
Post # 8
I think communication is definitely the key here. When FI and I first moved in together I did everything and it was completely overwhelming because I felt exhausted all the time and I resented the fact that he didn’t do very much to help me. However, once we sat down to talk I found out that he didn’t know what to do, he didn’t know how he could help me without getting in the way. Once we established some weekly routine rules things have been so much better. He does the dishes without being asked, he’ll make dinner once or twice a week. Its going to be a work in progress but maybe he is the kind of person that needs a set of weekly rules to follow. I don’t know if any of that helped lol
Post # 9
@CorgiTales – OMG, you sound JUST like my FI. I do have to admit that at times I can be a little OCD. But I try to keep that in check because I realize that it’s ME who feels this way and to not harp on it constantly with him. But you’re right, we do need to sit down and talk. Another thing that bothers me is at times I feel like Im dealing with a 10 year old. He’ll do something…if I ask him to do it. I mean, can you just take the initiative and maybe vacuum the living room w/out me asking you?
Talk, talk, talk!!!!!!
Post # 10
The one room at a time thing is the ONLY way i keep from losing my mind when I clean. Then, the whole house is progressively MUCH cleaner in a week. It’s much easier to tackle one room at a time than the “whole” house.
Maybe if you taped some Maxim to the vacuum handle, he’d be inclined to get it out of the closet and push it around while he stared? LOL. I jest, I jest
Post # 11
@ejs4y8 – You’re hilarious! Thanks for making me laugh.
Post # 12
I have a website that you might really like, it doesn’t deal with your husband’s messiness, but it might help you tackle projects a little easier and help you not feel overwhelmed, it’s http://www.flylady.net. I really like it, it’s a little corny at first but very inspirational.
Post # 13
@Br1tSh1n1ingStar – I love this site. Thanks for sharing it w/me. I plan on passing it around to my friends.
Post # 14
If you have the money, it might be worthwhile to splurge on a cleaning service to come tidy up your house every one or two weeks. I don’t think they’re that expensive – my FH is really opposed to them though, but I’ve been really tempted…
Post # 15
FI is a stalker as well. Oh and he doesn’t clean, he “tidies.” Drives me bananas. It’s the same garbage/crap but stalked in an orderly manner which gives it the illusion of being clean but it just seems so cluttered. AHHH!
I have no real advice for you, just wanted to get that off my chest.
Post # 16
Can you set aside a time to go through it all together? My ex was like your FI, and we had, about once a month, a ‘purge date’ where we went through all the crap in his apartment and I talked him into throwing all the junk away. Yes, it meant more work for me, but I had to accept that he just would never do it on his own – it’s not in his nature, so we found a solution that worked for us, for 3 years. It can be frustrating though; I feel your pain!