(Closed) Feeling pressure from church while waiting

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
767 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I’m sorry that you are in this situation. I am not religious anymore, so I may have a different perspective. It is important to follow your faith, but I tend to believe that it is more important to personally follow your religion and work on your personal relationship with God. Only you know what feel right and what you should do. 

Good luck in your decision and I hope that your boyfriend proposes soon so the wait is not too long 😉

Post # 4
2588 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

Look–you need to take care of YOU. I am agnostic, so I’ll be the first to admit that I just don’t “get” most of the crap the church teaches. I think it’s outdated and ignorant. You are not doing anything wrong by living with the man you love, so don’t let these people make you feel bad about it.

Post # 5
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Unless you put a gun to his head and forced him to move in together, you didn’t mess up your SO’s relationship with his church.  That was the thing that killed me growing up Catholic, the guilt. No religion should allow guilt to be such a strong motivator, it’s just not healthy.

You’re doing absolutely nothing wrong and there’s lots of churches out there (Christian included) that won’t try to make you feel bad for following your heart and finding happiness.  I urge you to find and join one of those churches. 

Post # 6
1046 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t really see what the problem is if you aren’t having sex with each other.. isn’t that supposed to be the sin?

Church goers are always going to judge, that is just what they do…

Post # 7
214 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

First off, please let me say that I was raised Christian but had some major idealogical issues with the faith when I was in my early teens (Gay people are evil, abortion is evil, anything we don’t agree with is evil…) and I now consider myself spiritual but in no way religious; I know there is something out there, I just don’t know what.

I am very sorry you had such a negative experience about wanting to rededicate yourself and I am unable to see how you are “living in sin” (How is love a sin?) if you and your SO are sexually abstinent.

Here’s the part that really gets me going:

“...you can’t just tell a Christian matron church leader lady anything that goes against what she thinks… at least, I didn’t feel like my feelings as a baby Christian were valid.”

Are you KIDDING me?!?! How in the world are your feelings not as vaild as Madame Church Lady’s? Because you haven’t been “around” as long? I call total BS on that one! Bottom line, I think lezlers has the right idea – find another church home.

Post # 8
4512 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

As a lifelong believer in God and the tenets of Christianity, this post makes me sad.

It really upsets me to hear the way people who are supposed to be forming a loving, supportive community judge each other. It is no one’s place to judge you and tell you you can’t do your “rededication” ceremony, or that you have to move out of your home. I mean, you could be living separately from your SO and committing all kinds of sin, robbing convenience stores every day, or living together and reading the Bible together for hours daily and running a charity from home, right? Ok, really dumb example, but you get my point–NO ONE should be looking at you and making assumptions about your life or about what God thinks of you.

What matters most is your relationship with God, and with your SO. It’s just sad that people really delight in looking down on others, even those folks who are supposed to be exercising love and understanding and working to improve their OWN lives.   

Post # 9
1556 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

From what you’ve said, it appears that you are feeling bad because of one person’s opinion.  Just remember, it is her opinion.  She might be a very good Christian and someone you truly respect, but in the end, her opinion is only her opinion…and that opinion is based, at least in part, on a mistaken assumption.  Also, remember that everyone at that church is human too.  There is no one there who is without sin.  They might not agree with what you are doing, but ultimately, they are not to judge you.  It is between you and God.

In the end, you have to do what feels right to you.  You and your Fiance are not having premarital sex; you are simply sharing a home.  The reason living together is frowned on is because most people assume it means you are having sex.  You and your Fiance and most importantly God all know you are not.  That is what matters.  The only problem is that it looks bad…so people make assumptions.

P.S.  I’m not sure what you mean by rededication.  It sounds to me like between you and God, you have already done so.  If there is a formal rededication ceremony that you can partake in at your church, maybe just wait to do it after your wedding. 


Post # 10
66 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I’ve been exactly where you are. My Fiance moved with me to another city while I was going to grad school.  The first year we lived apart but the second year decided (for various reasons) it was best for us to stay together. (We didn’t have sex until the wedding night, btw, so it is possible.)  For us, it’s the sex that’s the sin.  I’ve had several people say they “don’t believe in living together before being married” but they’re fine with being sexually active – which I don’t really get.  I think people just assume if you’re living w/ someone you’re also having sex. 

I was probably judged too (who isn’t?), but my Fiance and I did what we felt was right, which is all you can do.  Hope you find the love and support you need – it sounds like your mom & SO are supportive. Good luck.

Post # 11
1645 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I haven’t been in your shoes, but as a Christian and on-again off-again church goer, I have met many, many Christians who are SO judgemental! Only God can judge. Every single person on this planet has made mistakes and sinned, so they cannot and should not be looking to judge you.

I agree with what your mom said, that only you, for SO and God know what is in your hearts, and if you are confident in the choices you are making, then you need to be confident and not let those people get to you. I know you know or are close to many of them, but don’t let them dictate your life.

Post # 12
5657 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2012

First of all, Christianity, in my opinion, is not about doing everything “right”. Christianity is a statement about the human condition and proof that God loves us regardless of our shortcomings. We all fall short of God (everyone, including any matron church leader), but God loved us so much He sent Christ down to earth to die for us so we are all saved through faith in Him. If you believe in Christ and believe that he died for you, than you are saved already. The point of being Christian is not to be perfect, but rather to humble yourself, do your best and to praise God for the gift of salvation.

I do not think things are as black and white as people make it out to be sometimes and people at church can be so judgmental (as if they are perfect, which they most certainly are not). Sure the Bible says it is wrong to live together without being married… but I think God understands the complexities of the human condition. He does not expect us to be perfect. Sometimes, it is really hard to do what is “right” when what is “wrong” feels like what is right. I have definitely been there. I believe that the Holy Spirit, which is always present in us, effects our emotions and morality. If you feel like it’s right to live with your SO, than the holy spirit is not fighting against that and so then maybe you should just follow your gut. However, if deep, deep down you do feel guilty for living with your SO before marriage, than maybe you should move out.

Know always that God understands and loves you regardless. 

Post # 13
87 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

What a terrible double-bind!  My family is very religious, and I was raised very religious (Baptist), and I had to deal with a lot of personal and family fallout when I moved in with my then-BF (now FI). 

What helped me is to focus on what other ways you can glorify God and put him first in your relationship; involving my Fiance in my troubles and praying together really helped bring me peace.  I hope that it will work out for you!

Post # 14
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I agree with PPs.

A church is not a place that is supposed to judge you. They are supposed to be a community of people who are there for each other and want to worship together. I go to a non-denominational church with Fiance and I really did not enjoy going to church until I found this one. This church was the place that allowed me to grow with my faith and feel comfortable no matter what. It shouldn’t ever make you feel belittled in any way. Everyone sins, so who are they to decide your level of sinning is too much to be a part of a church? You should just continue to follow your heart because whether or not a church adds you to a piece of paper, God is always on your side.

The most difficult sin to resist in a relationship is probably pre-marital sex, so you are already showing what a strong committment you have!

Post # 15
100 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

First of all, Big hugs to you, I understand how it’s emotional and stressful and sad~

And amidst all these, I thank God that you are feeling being led back to God.  (with that said, you know I am a Christian)


And I want to say that I am not here to judge you, but to try to analyze the situation w/ the bystander view point AND from your shoe. And whatever you decided, is not to please anybody (in contrast to what other said here, sorry ladies), not the lady in your church, not your mom, not your SO, but God.  I know it sound crazy to non believer, and it’s not easy, but that’s what we are call to do. 


I want to give big kudos to you for resisting to sin even you two are living together, it’s tough, I know!  What is the reason behind wanting to live together though?  You said that you are afraid that something will happened to SO and you want to spend every moment possible with SO, but is it reasonable doubt that something will happen to him?  You and your SO are in God’s hand and you both can spend a life time together, try to have faith and trust that God will protect the two of you.  J  Remember Abraham and Isaac?  God calls him to surrender his son, Abraham follows, did God really took Isaac away?  Nope. is it a test of faith?  Yes!


Also, what does your SO think about the situation?  Is he ready to commit? (it sounds like a yes from what you had said)  then why wait and let Satan to attack both of you, the relationship to each other, with the church and most importantly your relationship with God?  Your mom said your SO has his plan, does it comes in term with God’s planning for both of you?  Please please pray about it with you SO together.


I pray that God will grant you the peace and the wisdom in this time of making decision.   I pray that your relationship with SO and relationship with God grow even stronger in this trial!


Big hugs!!


Ps- I know what I said is probably not agreed by a majority here, but we have to address more than just you and your SO’s relationship, it’s you and your SO AND God’s relationship altogether.

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