- 8 years ago
- Wedding: October 2011
I know that this may not apply to a lot of bees, and I know this might be controversial and open up debate — that’s not really my intention. I just have to let some of this out. I just had one of the saddest things in my life happen yesterday at my SO’s church.
Though I grew up Christian, I spent about ten years of my teenage time and young adulthood running away from that as hard as I could. But a few months before my SO and I got together, I started feeling really called back to God. SO has been a life-long Christian, and as we started getting to know each other better, he invited me to come to his church — a church with a lot of other people I know, people I grew up with, some of my distant relatives. We don’t go every Sunday, but during last Fall and Winter, we went most weeks.
We fell out of the habit in the Spring, and when I moved in with him, we were really busy for a while and didn’t go… and I felt kind of weird about going because I knew people thought it looked bad that we live together (though we have been abstinent the whole time, but of course no one assumes that). God has been a big part of what’s getting me through the waiting process, and growing closer to my faith over the summer made me really want to go back to church.
I didn’t notice people acting weird when we went last week, though I have noticed that some of them act awkward when I see them outside of church or on their own. But this Sunday, after the service, I asked my Sunday School teacher (who is also my second cousin, and a woman who I really respect greatly as a Christian and a friend) if she’d talk with me about rededication.
It was a really emotional talk — I was crying and all — and all I had in mind to talk about was wanting to reaffirm my faith. But she stopped me and said “I need to ask you a really hard question — are you living with Johnny?” I told her the truth, and to make a long story short, she proceeded to tell me that I couldn’t really reaffirm my faith or truly repent unless I move out.
I was kind of in shock — I mean, I know that’s a traditional view that a lot of people hold to, and I wasn’t about to go telling her how we’re not sexin’ it up — I did tell her that we had a roommate, which I could tell shocked and confused her. And I let her talk to me about all the reasons why I should move out and how it’s the right thing to do for God and our relationship, and I just kept agreeing because you can’t just tell a Christian matron church leader lady anything that goes against what she thinks… at least, I didn’t feel like my feelings as a baby Christian were valid.
I cried my eyes out and told SO on the way home, but the whole time I kept crying “I don’t want to” — and yesterday afternoon, he told me to go visit my mom (who’s my best friend) and see what she thinks and make the decision on my own.
Talking with my Mom really helped me strengthen the feelings I had in the first place — that God, my SO, and I know what’s in our hearts, and we’re already totally committed in our hearts, and that’s what matters, not a marriage certificate. The church lady was telling me we should just go to the courthouse this week or something (which I would be cool with), but my Mom brought up the fact that my SO does have a plan and we should do what we want when we want, not to please other people.
So I didn’t move out, and I feel comfortable and happy with that decision, but I do feel bad that I’ve probably really messed up my SO’s relationship with his church — and I’d been confident about the rightness of us living together before, and now I feel like my feelings aren’t valid and worry that maybe I’m totally wrong and should be listening to the church.
I realized that if I moved out and something happened to my SO, whether it be tomorrow or in two years — I would regret not spending every moment I could with him for the rest of my life. And I just don’t see how a loving God would judge our love that way.
If you want to tell me that yeah, I’m living a big ol’ sin, that’s cool. You won’t be the first to tell me that. I just had to get this all out.