Post # 1
Hello bees! So I need a little advice. Not desperately or anything but if you have a few minutes, I’d love to hear some thoughts.
DH and I got married 2 weeks ago. We’ve been together 2 years, I’ve known him for 11 years. And his family has been on us to procreate for the last 6 months. His dad asked us multiple times during their family Christmas when we were going to give them babies. (6 months before the wedding we weren’t even having sex! We waited.)
Now that the wedding has come and gone and we’ve begin our marriage, the pressure has gotten worse. His dad makes a comment every time we see him. At SIL’s wedding last week we were bombarded with his family saying things like “so… How much longer are you going to wait?” “I want a baby with his eyes and your face!” “Oh SIL is going to try right after the wedding! You could be pregnant together!”
We’ve been very clear with everyone (multiple times) that we want to spend at least a year or two just being married before we think about having a baby together. We want to file the paperwork to get his son back first. We want to do a lot of things before we bring a child into the world. And still people aren’t listening. So… Anyone else have this problem? How do you respond when they just don’t seem to be listening?
Post # 2
Tell people that it isn’t any of their business. Or ask them a question about their sex life, since that’s essentially what they are asking you. That should shut them up.
Post # 3
ren89: My friend finally handled this with a bright, “OK, got it – when your son starts banging me without a condom, you’ll be the first to know!” It’s a vulgar thing to say and she’s not vulgar AT ALL, so I think it shocked and shamed her FIL into realizing he was prying into matters that were none of his business. So. That’s one (very dramatic) route, but it worked — he was hounding her incessantly, and he’s kept his mouth shut from then on!
Post # 4
sarals24: calendula: Hahaha! Excellent advice ladies. It’s a bit extreme for me. I’m actually not sure I could ever say something like that out loud! And if I did, I’m sure his family would just laugh and get even raunchier about it. They are very overly open people!
Post # 5
It’s very hard, but perhaps you should feel better by knowing that they are in the wrong. We are currently TTC and are having a few problems, and this isn’t helped by the fact that every time we go over to my in-laws house, I am advised to “not leave it too long… you do want children, right?” etc etc.
It is really quite inappropriate.
Post # 6
My mom gave me the best comeback for this the other day after I told her one of MIL’s friends greeted me at a family party by rubbing my belly and asking if there was news. (Ugh. Still makes me angry to think about. So inappropriate!!) It took my mom a long time to get pregnant with me (and my twin brother) so this is what she used and she said it worked pretty well!
She told me to reply to questions of “when?” with some reference to god…. “Well, when God gives us a baby, I guess that’s when”. There’s pretty much no argument to that. And you don’t have to tell them that you’re making it hard for God by taking birth control or using condoms 🙂 If they keep asking, and you keep giving the same response, hopefully they’ll learn that they aren’t getting any more information from you and eventually leave you alone!
Post # 7
Rachel631: I’m so sorry you’re struggling to TTC. I hope it works out for you. I can’t imagine how hard it would be to basically be accused of intentionally waiting when you’re working hard to make it happen.
I have this weird sad feeling whenever it comes up because I feel like maybe we should be trying right away. We don’t want to, but I’m such a people pleaser that I feel like we’re letting down his family by putting it off for a few years. But we’re only 24 and I don’t feel like we’re in that big a rush! It just gets hard on me. It’s good to know I’m not alone in the feeling.
Post # 8
ruby26: I love this idea. Your mom’s a wise woman! And since I’m fairly religious this is right up my alley!
Post # 9
ren89: Do NOT feel sad or guilty about this! You are making a choice that you feel is best for you. If you were to “give in” and get pregnant sooner it could really affect your thoughts/feelings about the pregnancy and being a parent. This is something that is nobody’s business! As much as I love the vulgar responses, I usually go with a simple “When we’re ready” and told my Dad’s partner that if he kept asking we would just not have children to piss him off (totally untrue, but I was frustrated). He shut up really fast at that one. Maybe something like “When we’re ready, but if we keep getting asked it’s going to make us want to wait longer!” in a joking tone. Good luck!
Post # 10
It took my FSIL 4 years to conceive. They were actively trying for that long and just had issues they needed to fix. For 4 years she got pressured by every family member possible. She was so frustrated, it made it so much worse!!!
My grandmother is already pressuring me and I’m not even ready yet. She thinks it is stupid that we want to wait a year or two to actually enjoy each other and travel the world. She is afraid one year is going to ruin my chances of getting pregnant and I’m going to become infertile. Ummmm ok yeah, I’ll take my chances? So over it.
Don’t let people get to you….. just live your life with your hubby and the day you decide to have one, they will know when you give them the good news. It is none of their business what happens in between the sheets with you two.
Post # 11
I think KatiePi has nailed it. Don’t engage with these people.
Also, you’re 24. 24! There is no rush, have babies when you’re ready, no sooner. Stop a moment to contemplate letting someone other than you decide when you make a new human being.
And a final thought, once i let my MiIL know that we did plan on having babies at some stage, just not right now, she did relax a bit.
Post # 12
KatiePi: thank you! Sage advice and it makes me feel a lot better. I really like to make people happy but I don’t want it to be at the expense of our happiness. My husband would lose his mind if I told him we should start trying this early.
MrsPiggles: I understand! I’m not at all concerned about my fertility at this stage in my life. Waiting a couple years will not make a giant difference!
SarahLulu: I have tried to explain to his family that we’ll try when we’ve settled down a bit. I’m starting a new career, moving in with him… But his dad is pretty persistent and so is one of his sisters. I think a large part of this is that his parents have had 4 of their kids having babies just in the last few months. They’re a bit baby crazy and I don’t think they understand why we’d wait.
Post # 13
ren89: I think you have plenty of time. I am much older than you… over 30… and I would definitely not have started trying younger than 27 or so. That said, I do live in a country which has one of the oldest average ages at first birth in the world… the average age at first birth is 30.
I do find it hard because on the one hand I have the in-laws cheerfully (not maliciously) saying that we should TTC, and on the other hand I have friends and family saying that we are so wise to be CBC, and giving reasons for that as well. I have no desire to share the intimate details of my private life in order to correct them (either group of them), so I can completely understand why this is a bad position for you to be in.
All I can wish for is that you have good luck!
Post # 14
ren89: well Im going through it right now and have been since a year before our wedding. un-beknownst to our families I am actually just newly pregnant and they wont be told until Im 3 months. I have sooooooooooooooo many friends who are having TTC issues and misscarrages etc… that I find it rude as hell. I know this may not be your cup of tea but one thing that tends to shut them up is making them just as uncomfortable as they make you. If you dont want to say anything sexual then simply ask them something like…..”how do you know were not already trying and maybe having issues conceiving?” That usually leaves them a bit speechless…. but if they start saying something…..and if your really bold, add on…..”for all you know I may have just suffered a misscarriage last week. I’d really like to drop the subject now”
I think at this point unless your willing to say something bold like that your kinda stuck dealing with it. People like that dont think about what people are going through in their private lives (struggles) and its only when something sensitive is pointed out they get the point its not ok to ask.
Post # 15
ren89: we are TTC but still have told our families that we don’t want to discuss our sex life with them, we find it inapprpriate and disrespectful to always be asked. we told them when its time to tell them we will and until then, be happy for our married life.