Post # 1
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and we have moved in together. We are both 27, and all of our friends are engaged or married, most of those who are married have gotten married within the last year or two and we have attended many of their weddings. I can honestly and whole heartedly say that I’ve been happy for each couple without any feelings of jealousy, resentment, or any other negative thoughts.
I don’t know what it is lately (within the last couple months), but I’ve felt incredibly left out (not sure how to phrase this..) – like we are the only ones not engaged. A mutual friend of ours became engaged last month and I was a bit – ok, maybe more than a little bit – jealous of their engagement. I felt absolutely awful for feeling that way. To make matters worse, my BF’s brother is planning to propose soon and he is younger than us, and his youngest sister will be engaged in April.
Its really difficult during the holidays as well. I feel so, so horrible for being anything less than happy for his brother’s engagement but I just can’t even stand to hear my BF say how happy he is for his brother to be engaged and how great they are together. Honestly it’s just making me want to push him away, I feel like I’m not good enough for him to marry but the other girls are good enough for his brother/friends… Why can’t it be US getting engaged? Blah.
Anyway, I am having a difficult time not only dealing with the envy but also communicating with my BF about it. I feel like he is so happy for others and wound up in their engagements that he is forgetting about his own relationship with me.
Does anyone have any words of advice for me? thanks for reading, I know it’s a rant and I apologize for the length! 🙂
Post # 3
I know a lot of people feel this way … I was one of them a while ago!
Sometimes it is difficult to see friends and family members getting engaged, married, having kids, etc. and feeling like you’re kind of stuck in a rut in your own relationship. I guess I’m kind of lucky in the sense that I probably have more single and/or dating/living together friends than engaged and/or married friends … But that didn’t change the fact that sometimes I wondered, “Will we ever do this?”
I know this really isn’t what you want to hear, but I’d give it some time. 27 doesn’t feel that young sometimes, I know (I’m 28), but it’s not old either. You mentioned that you already live together, and that can be an important step towards getting engaged for many people (it was for my fiance and I). I’m not saying you should wait around forever, but the two of you may have different ideas about when the “right time” to get married is.
That being said, you do need to talk to him about this. Ask him what he sees for your future together. Communication is key!
Post # 4
every relationship moves at its own pace. comparing yours to others will get you nowhere good. focus on your relationship and happiness in that relationship.
Have you and your bf talked marriage yet? If not, you should have an open conversation about it to see if you are both on the same page about it.
Post # 5
you’ve only been together for a year, you are still young. i’d give it some more time. you cant expect to be ready to pop the question after a short amount of time. he probably isnt at that stage yet.
youre not in a race with your family and friends, as long as you and your SO are on the same page about the future, then youre fine knowing that someday it will happen.
Post # 6
I’ll admit that I have felt the same way. For example, last month I had the painful realization that a couple (mutual friends of ours) had been married, purchased a home, adopted a dog together, and just had their first child… and during all that time we were dating and we are still just dating!!! I think it is a natural feeling every once in a while, but you can’t let it consume you!
If you haven’t discussed getting married lately, talk to your SO about it. Tell him how you feel just like you told us bees how you feel. Good luck!
Post # 7
Every couple is different, but I know that after SO and I’s first year together, we were still very much caught up in the emotional rush and excitement of starting a relationship and starting to build a life together. I would say I didn’t even start wanting marriage until year 3 or 4… and SO until year 6!! So be prepared to have to “shut it” about marriage and stay put for a while if your feelings for your SO are strong enough to want to make it work.
Everyone’s individual feelings run on their own timelines so if something is bothering you, communicate it to your SO instead of letting your concerns build and build, risking a major emotional meltdown somewhere along the line (speaking from experience here!)
Believe me, I have been there with that feeling of watching everybody else (and I mean EVERYBODY else) “pass” us as a couple. We know several couples who met, married, and had their first child all while we were “dating.” Heck, one of our friends was married to someone ELSE when we first me him, since divorced, remarried, and became a father… and yep, SO & I were still just “dating.” Everyone else’s good news just seemed to reinforce that I wasn’t “good enough” for marriage, etc.
But when your turn does come… it’s all worth it 🙂
Post # 8
I know how you feel, I expect 2 people very close to us will become engaged this holiday season and we have been dating for more than 2 years longer than either of these couples. I feel bad about having those jealous feelings too!
It can get difficult, but I would talk to him and make sure you are on at least a similar page. That does help me a lot… I know its at least on his mind and what he wants so hopefully it is on the horizon….
Post # 9
Thank you all for taking the time to leave thoughtful and insightful responses!
We have talked, previously to moving in together, about getting engaged. We agreed that we didn’t want to live together out of convenience and that it signified more of a commitment to our relationship and he expressed that he wouldn’t live with someone unless getting engaged was “on the horizon”. We talk about having children one day and our core values are all in alignment with each other. I haven’t brought up engagement since that conversation because I really don’t want to make him feel pressured, but its so difficult not to drop hints or bring it up in any way.
On another note, his brother got engaged today. So now all my boyfriend can talk about is how excited he is for him, and how excited he is to go on vacation with them after Christmas – which I’m now dreading because I don’t want our vacation to turn into a week long engagement party. I am happy for them but its so hard for me to get past being jealous – which makes me feel terrible! I wish I could let go of it all and be excited for them just as I would want someone to be happy for me, but I’m trying as hard as I can and it seems impossible.