Post # 1
So…. Here it is.
Fiance needs to get healthy. Seriously. After suffering the loss of a pregnancy in January, general health is a huge concern for me and every time I look at him, all I see is how unhealthy he is. We are set to be married in September and I am afraid that his lack of concern for his health is only going to leave me alone and a widow in 10-15 years.
I know that if he ever approached me and said, “Babe, you’re getting kind of big.” I would lose my mind. But, at the same time, I know that him saying something like that would open my eyes to what is the real problem… My lack of concern for my health.
At the end of the day, I want to live a healthier life together. But I cannot “make him change” his ways. I know this may sound incredibly shallow to some of you and I can accept that (I can see it, too). But, that doesn’t change the facts and I am open to any suggestion or conversation from you if you have ever approached a subject of health with your FI/husband.
How do you approach the subject? What are your opinions of talking about this touchy subject? What reactions did you experience? What is a girl to do to get her man less overweight and more healthy?
Post # 3
I don’t think it’s shallow at all to want to do your best to live a long and healthy life together. I’m probably the one around here who needs the kick in the butt but I’m interested what advice others have.
I would just start suggesting you do active things together and not let him make excuses not to join you. If your house is anything like mine dh doesn’t really cook so he’ll eat whatever I put in front of him so I try at least to make the food we eat at home as healthy as possible and don’t even bring junk into the house so there’s no temptation
Post # 4
Maybe you could start by doing activities together, like walking every night or running, depending on your fitness level. Also, you could cook healthy meals for both of you to eat together. I think it is important to approach it in a way that does not make him feel like you don’t find him attractive–not that he would, but some people are sensitive. I think by making it an “us” thing, instead of just about him, it comes off much gentler.
And I don’t think that you are being at all shallow. You just care about him, and want the best for both of you.
Post # 5
This isn’t shallow at all. We all want our loved ones to be healthy. As mentioned above, I think the key is do things together but maybe also incorporate things he may find fun. Find out what hobbies he like and try to make them more active. For example, Fiance and I enjoy art so when we can, we try to find outdoor/indoor gallery shows and just wallk around enjoying the art and getting some light exercise in.
Post # 6
I say make it fun and a joint effort. Maybe you two could play the wii? I hear that’s good exercise. Or go for an evening walk together? Just make it seem like it’s for both of you [I’m sure it would be good for you too], and he may be more likely to go along with it.
Post # 7
I wholeheartedly agree with others that it needs to be an “us” thing. If you don’t make him feel ostracized or called out, it should go better and show your genuine concern.
Actually Darling Husband and I are trying to get healthier too and I decided to skip the conversation about him and just do it. I told him I wanted to get healthier and drop some lbs and I vaguely mentioned some of the reasons I had…some we share and some we don’t. One was that I want to be an active parent and I want to lead an active lifestyle with future kiddos – this one struck home as we’ve both always wanted kids and he said he agreed. We went out and bought some healthier foods to try out, etc, and so far we have both dropped 3 lbs and 4 lbs in the past 2 weeks! We both downloaded MyFitnessPal and we compare who has the most calories and the most burned from exercise, etc. It’s kind of fun! We also use our dog walking (or dog jogging?) as our main exercise right now and we make it a mini-competition to see which pair gets farther. Usually it’s him because he is half a foot taller than me AND he takes Chevy our more active dog. Lucy & I are screwed from the get-go. 😉 **Hops off soapbox** Just wanted to share!
Oh, also one thing I learned in school was this – use “I” statements. Don’t say, “You need to get in shape.” Instead say something like: “I was thinking we both could stand to be a bit healthier.”…and go from there. Slowly incorporate healthier substitute for food, less available snacks that are unhealthy, encourage water drinking. One way we are making sure we drink enough water is that ANY time we go out we order water and our excuse is that it also saves a few bucks. 🙂
Post # 8
I used to have nightmares that ended in my Fiance having a heart attach from eating too much Wendy’s. As of today he’s lost 40lbs since January 1st.
I didn’t push for this change, but I was very honest with him. I told him that I was worried about his health and that I wanted us to be together for as long as possible and that meant we both needed to make a change.
We both play roller derby, so that’s an active thing we share together, which is nice. The thing that has really made the difference, however, was meeting with a nutritionist. We had friends who did this before their ceremony and reccomended it to us. Finding the right person was the hard part, but once we did, it really motivated us to be smart about what we were eating. It’s also a lot easier for Fiance to have me doing this with him, since we eat most meal together. We’re working towards different goals (him losing weight, me gaining more muscle mass for derby) but it’s nice to do it together AND with some help.
Also, he was packing a suitcase for a business trip and realized that he had lost an entire packed suitcase full of weight. I think that’s when it really hit him.
Post # 9
I know we are in the US… but I know in a lot of other countries, if someone is getting big/unhealthy… you tell them.It’s considered a warning, like telling someone not to grab a hot pan or something. I always thought that was wise, because I would wanna know!!! You can gain 40-50 lbs. real quick without noticing! I did!!! I mean, you could let him know in a loving way. It’s not like you have to be mean. You are there to look out for each other. Right?
Post # 10
I feel your pain. I worry about my Fiance weight and health as well. To be honest, he’s packed on a few since our daughter was born and it is affecting him. His back is so much worse, he’s thrown it out multiple times in just the past couple. His father has diabetes, and if he doesn’t do something he is heading there. Yet, when I ask him if he wants to exercise together he says (direct quote coming up here)… “Exercise? Is that spanish for ‘eating brownies?'” Funny, but the not funny enough to burn the calories he needs to. He knows he’s gained weight. But he walks all over a large retail store, is on his feet all day, lifts heavy building materials several times throughout the day… so he doesn’t want to workout during his off time. *sighs*
Post # 11
I feel you 100%. I personally am trying to live a healthy lifestyle, and Fiance eats ALOT of pizza, fast food, frozen dinners ect. I try to make him healthy food because I know he doesn’t have very much down-time, but I dont really either. I work 12 hour shifts 4 days a week and have to fit all the house work and wedding planning into the weekends. He’s going to school FT and works on the weekends so he’s super unmotivated to get healthy. He’s gained at least 20 pounds since we started dating ( to be fair though, I’ve that if not more. But i’m actively trying to lose weight, down 10 pounds already!) I’m terrified of being widowed at 50.
Post # 12
So much of what you are advising is great and thank you all for being so open.
I’ve tried most everything you are mentioning. I have lost over 45 lbs within the last year and I am much happier for it and while I was working hard at my own betterment, Fiance was just watching and cheering me on. But why didn’t he join in? I ask all the time, “babe, let’s go for a walk” or “the weather is perfect for a bike ride”, but I hardly get him to join in.
Now, he is a hard worker. He is an arborist and works 40-55 hours each week perfecting people’s lawns and trees. He comes home tired and sun-beaten, then on most nights cooks us dinner (HE is the chef in our house). And boy, does he cook good. It is because of his healthy cooking that has helped me with my weight loss! But, I know when he is working, he doesn’t have “time” to stop and eat a healthy lunch. He snacks on oranges, bananas, and apples during the day, but then he eats “gas station” food to keep him going.
We’ve had arguments where at some point he will say “I don’t think you’re attracted to me”. I have, in the heat of the argument, said, “Yes. There are times I’m NOT attracted to you!” Is that nice? NO. Absolutely not. 🙁
The only thing I can think to do is to remain consistent in bringing him on board. At some point, maybe he will grow tired of my nagging. 🙂
Post # 13
@cldaughe: I don’t know if this is realistic for you, but have you thought about making his lunches for him? If that’s where the issue is, maybe that might help? I don’t have a ton of time on week nights, but on Sunday evenings I make my lunches for the whole week…salads, etc, so I just have to grab them in the morning. Just a thought….
Post # 14
It’s hard to approach the subject… Let me speak from experience… I’m the unhealthy one in our relationship. My Darling Husband has tried to approach (feeling like it’s okay to talk about, since I’ve openly said I want to lose weight)… And I generally freak out – “he must think I’m fat, ugly, etc if he’s saying this to me… I’m never gonna be good enough, blah blah blah”
Obviously I react out of insecurity, but it is a very sensitive topic… This doesn’t mean it should be avoided – it just means it needs to be approached with care 🙂
Post # 15
It’s not shallow. Especially when the issue is “I don’t want you to keel over from a heart attack when are kids are eight years old” (as opposed to “your muffin top is really getting to me”). I had this talk with my fiance who was never overweight, but also not a gym guy – over the last several years his beer belly has gradually become more obvious. He was annoyed at first, but gets it. And t’s something we can do together – we’re doing a 40 mile bike race next month. So, it’s a source of fun, now, too.
Post # 16
@cldaughe: Please don’t think you’re being shallow. You don’t have to feel bad for being honest (especially to us bees!) as long as your tactful about it; that’s a brave and admirable thing! 🙂
I agree with PP’s. I was also concerned about Fiance when we first moved in together. But it was a surprise as Fiance is naturally fit/slim…but his eating habits were HORRIBLE. I was afraid I was going to blow up like an inflatable doll with all his food in the house! lol. And then I found out he didn’t understand nutrition and label reading (i.e. fried, frozen chicken patties were “healthy” b/c it’s chicken and “chicken’s healthy, right?!”) 🙂
So along with eating heathly and exercising together, maybe also add an intro on label reading/nutrition. Fiance couldn’t believe calories/fat in McDonald’s food (“but I only had a burger and fry and now I’m over calories AND fat for the whole day!?!”)