(Closed) Feeling really frustrated about baby's last name (sorry long)

posted 6 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 3
Member
1031 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I didn’t change my last name either..so I totally understand where you are coming from, but I also feel it’s unfair for your DH as well, it is both your child. Do you plan on having more than one child? I’d never do this but I’ve heard of couples giving one kid the mom’s name and another kid the dad’s name.

Or DH’s last name as a middle name?

Post # 4
Member
1031 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Or give your DH TOTAL control over the kid’s first name and let you give the kid your last name! Or would his last name work as a 1st name? Like, my last name is Bowman, which I’ve heard as a first name too.

Post # 6
Member
387 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@Schatzie821:  I think you should at least seriously consider hyphenating. I know it isn’t what you initally agreed upon, but unfortunately the circumstances have changed. Your child will be a reflection of both of you and the product of your NEW family together. Wouldn’t it be nice if their name reflected that? It’s the ultimate in compromise in that you both get what you want, and should you have any other children do the same. Best of luck to you, let us know what you decide!

Post # 7
Member
7609 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I don’t see anything wrong with his last name being the baby’s middle name. 

Post # 8
Member
478 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

First, I’m sending a lot of sympathy your way. This is a really tough situation, and only you can make the best decision, knowing all the ins and outs in a way that we really can’t.

With that being said… I think hyphenating is the kinder, more loving thing to do here. I understand that this is and always has been really important to you, but just as you said that this was a dealbreaker in the beginning — it may have been a dealbreaker for your husband too, had he known that his son wasn’t biologically his. Learning that, and his feelings about it, does change the entire dynamic.

I don’t think I could make a choice about our baby that would really, truly make my husband sad.

Post # 9
Member
18 posts
Newbee

I think hyphenating would be the best way to go. He probably feels like he just lost a child, in a way… And the baby is equal parts of both of you, and a hyphenated last name would reflect that.

Post # 10
Member
501 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

It seems that it would be fair and as another poster suggested, more loving and kind to take your husband into consideration. If your husband really wants to hypehenate the name, I think you should strongly consider it. There is a compromise here and there seems to be more on the line than just a name. Good lock!

Post # 11
Member
807 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

What you agree on before something happens, and the emotions involved now that it’s actually happening are two different scenarios.

 

Giving two babies in the same family two different surnames is just confusing for the children and sounds dumb, I would never do this and I don’t think anyone should as it’s splitting the family into sections when the family should be whole.

Giving the child his surname as a middle name, you may as well not bother as no one uses middle names. Either hyphenate the child’s name or give it his name as a single surname. It seems that the whole name giving is being made into a bigger issue than what it actually is and this is a baby, a new start in life and I am sure that your name will not die out and besides, what if the child later on decides to drop your name and only use it’s dads name? I think you are unknowingly cutting the dad off just to preserve your family name and quite frankly the future with your new family should be as important as the past, if not moreso. 

Post # 14
Member
6825 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Personally I find it a bit unfair that the child would be named your last name. When the situation has changed and your husband has said he does feel sad that this child won’t get his last name. The best bet would be to compromise and hypenate your two last names. This way since the child is part you and part him the child gets both last names. 

Post # 15
Member
931 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

@Schatzie821:  For what it’s worth, I think you should make this decision together, whatever that decision, but you should both be decided and together on this in the end. No reason to drive a wedge between you over a name.  I realize it’s important to you, but my guess is that your marriage is 100x more important.

That said, take it with a grain of salt. You know yourself and your husband much better than the rest of us! Follow your instincts.

Post # 16
Member
13101 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

@MissCoCo:  “I think you should at least seriously consider hyphenating. I know it isn’t what you initally agreed upon, but unfortunately the circumstances have changed.”

I agree.  The change in the situation is what really makes a big difference to me here.  The DH made the initial agreement essentially with a different set of terms.  Now that the “terms” have changed, the end result may need to compromise too.

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