- 5 years ago
Hello fellow Bees, I hope everyone is having a great weekend so far .
I’m kind of feeling like I need to vent a little about everything and nothing in particular. I’m going to apologize now if this turns into a long ranty post lol. Any input or advice from bees who have been in a similar stage in life or who are going through anything similar at the moment is more than welcome.
Ok, here it goes.
So for the past couple of months I have felt extremely lost in life (hence the title of the post). I feel like I don’t belong or fit in anywhere. I guess I should include a little backround, I’m 24 with a 6 year old and a 2 year old, been in a relationship with an amazing man for almost 4 years, just got my G.E.D a year ago.
Lately I have been trying to find out who I really am and where I fit in to everything. I seemed to have jumped over that crazy, awkward, “finding yourself” stage of the teenage/early 20s years. I went from being a careless, reckless teenager to a stay at home mom over night. All I have ever done for the past 6.5 years is worry about things for my children, I somehow lost myself before I figured out who myself was.
I look at other moms sometimes and wonder if I should be more like them and a little less like, well..me. But then I cant picture myself acting like Mrs. Mom, wearing pastel coloured blouses with brown slacks (I know that this is not how all moms are, just my mental image of a typical mom). I can’t picture myself baking a million cookies and cupcakes for my children’s class or going to PTA meetings. And I guess because I’m so different from what is the typical mom around here, they seem to look down on me and treat me like a child.
Then I go on to think about other people in my area around my age. I wonder sometimes if I should be more like them, partying all the time, going out and doing whatever the hell I want. But then I look at my 2 beautiful children and my amazing boyfriend and realize that, as much fun as all that sounds, I wouldn’t trade my family for the world. I feel like I’m too old for the fun stuff.
Sometimes I just want to go out and get a new piercing, or tattoos, or dye my hair bright purple. Then my mind kicks in again and starts wondering if I’m trying to hold on to the past or if I shouldn’t do that stuff because I’m a mom and I have to look like a mom. (People have actually asked me if my children were really mine or if I was their babysitter!! They think I’m only 17 haha).
I just feel sometimes like I’m 37, and I don’t want to be 37 yet! I still want to go back to school (even though I wonder if I’m getting too old for school), I still want to go out and get drunk occaisonally (even though bf is against drinking), I still want to dye my hair/get pierced/get tattoos…at least I think I do (he’s against that stuff too). I still want to wear my band tshirts and go to heavy metal concerts in the front row. I still need to grow up and figure out who I am, it’s just hard with 2 little children and a serious relationship.
It really doesn’t help either that I have no friends, therefore no one to talk to other than bf (and he’s a bit older than me and figured this out for himself without having to worry about a family at the same time), and I really have no interests because all my time and energy has been focused on my kids. I’m not a person anymore, I’m just a mom and a girlfriend. I know I should “just try to be me” but how am I supposed to “just be me” when I don’t even know who me is?