Feeling resentful about including my parents LONG VENT

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
715 posts
Busy bee

@handincookiejar:  I feel your frustration. As much as it does suck, try to focus on the plus side. That you’ve managed not to follow their dysfunctional ways, that you have a loving FI & that you’ll have great in-laws. You and the people that matter know what you’ve accomplished on your own. 

I don’t think their role will be central. Your guests will care about you and FI. Not about the man that walks you down the aisle or the couple that  is introduced as your parents. 

Post # 4
2893 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@handincookiejar:  We have a similar situation, and we’re addressing it by not sharing details and what have you with them. 

My plan is to have private security and if anyone is causing a scene, they’ll be escorted off the premises. I figure it will be money well spent to avoid WWIII. 

Our wedding is intended to be an open, honest and authentic celebration of our love and going along for “appearances” just feels uncomfortable to me and isn’t how I want to start my marriage. 

Just my two pennies. 

Post # 6
5697 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Could you just not do these things? YOu can walk yourself down the aisle for one, and give yourself to your FI. You dont have to announce parents etc etc, most if not all weddigs I’ve been in, to and held myself of course, only announce the bridal party and bride and groom. 

Since it’s your wedding and it’s one day, it probably IS worth being at least a little bit stern with them over.

Post # 7
2893 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@handincookiejar:  Appearances are overrated. 😉 I was raised Catholic and some relatives are scandalized that we aren’t having a Catholic ceremony. Part of why is that a Catholic wedding requires you to vow to raise the children Catholic. We don’t plan to, so no Catholic ceremony for us. I do not want to start my marriage planning to break a vow. 

So yeah. I know you have relatives assigned, but perhaps you can look into hiring a burly bouncer because relatives = family feelings.

The nice thing about vendors is that they aren’t emotionally invested and there’s no reprecussions for doing their job. However, if Uncle John has to take your mom out, she can guilt him, put him in an uncomfortable position, etc. Just a risk to think about. 

I’m having help because my family is NOTORIOUS for wedding crashing. I could not imaging telling great aunt Gertrude she can’t come in. It’s just easier to have a random security guy tell her she’s not on the list and I can beg forgiveness later. 

Post # 8
1613 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@handincookiejar:  I would say find a way to incorporate everyone who is special to you that day.

Give Mom her flower and give the same flower to your supportive Aunt and Grandmother.

Tell dad you would rather walk alone. Have your mother already seated in the frong besdie your grandmother and Aunt.

Let them be introduced with the party.

During your speech, thank your Aunt and grandmother for their support and then a general thank you for sharing our day.

Post # 9
499 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I don’t think you are Catholic, but in the ruberics there is allowance for the man and woman to proceeded to the alter togeter.  In many cultures the bride also proceedes alone.  I think that you can just say,

“wow dad, thank you for the offer, but that’s just not how FI and I are planning the day”

As far as seating, I would explain that you are mixing it up, and maybe even put your friends at the “head” table and put family at other tables.  Sounds like your in laws would understand.   This whole announcing business is goofy…you aren’t doing it, your parents can deal.

Let them have the rehersal dinner…its not *that* big of a deal.

Post # 11
2893 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@handincookiejar:  LOL – the guilt never goes away, does it?! You sound like you have it under control! Don’t stress, there’s no mess is my personal mantra 🙂

Post # 12
964 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@handincookiejar: *Sometimes* it’s better to forego your feelings and let your annoying parents be involved, but not in the case of abuse/bad parenting. It’s so messed up when parents sweep everything under the rug, deny what they’ve done to their children, and pull the “doting parents” card. And, of course, the parents are selfishly exposing you to judgement – cause if you don’t play the dutiful daughter role, you look like a “bad kid.” You have a lot of difficult decisions ahead of you, but what will the Future You want? Will Future You kick yourself for giving into your parents? Will you feel resentful or manipulated if you see pics of your father walking you down the aisle? Or is it something you will grow to appreciate in time? I have no idea what the answer is for you, but that might be one way of looking at it. Good luck. Glad you’ve found support in your FILs and your aunt and grandma.


EDIT: Also, this is where tradition bites us in the ass cause it creates expectations but doesn’t account for different experience. If she’s in good health, could your grandmother walk you down the aisle? If she’s considered a matriarch of the family there isn’t much people could say to that and it would look very sweet.

Post # 15
2340 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1987

Your wedding day is the day when spiritually you leave your parents and ‘cleave’ to your husband.  He becomes your top priority.  Hurrah.  

It’s the first day of the rest of your life.

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