Post # 1
I just discovered this website a few weeks ago, and I love it! So happy to know that there are other that can relate.
I’ve been with my man about 3 years, i’m 29, turning 30 relatively soon, and realized not long ago that it’s time for us to move forward. I love him, I know he loves me, but I have decided I cannot wait much longer. What he’s doing is cruel. He constantly talks about us getting married, where the wedding will be, where we’ll live, what we’ll name our children, when we’ll have our children. He almost always brings it up. But when i realized I was ready, and I brought up the fact that talk is cheap, it seemed like it hit him, like he uh oh….this is real. He realized there’s a time issue.
Now every time we go on a trip, or have a dinner together, or go on a date….i am expecting it to happen. i feel like i’m going crazy. i’ve decided to put my own time limit on it. if it doesn’t happen in the next few weeks…i think i’m going to call it quits. i just don’t deserve to feel this way anymore. I mean, i’m so resentful towards him for acting like this, i don’t want to have sex, i don’t want to spend too much time with him, b/c i get so angry!
I don’t know if I should tell him this, or just prepare myself for us to end. I know that sounds harsh, but the plain fact is, i’m ready and he’s not, should we really be together?
Post # 3
Is being married so important to you that you would be willing to leave a relationship with someone that you love? I think that people can have fulfilling relationships without being married but not everyone believes that. I would not give him an ultimatum, you don’t want to force someone to do something that they aren’t ready for and then have problems down the line. Good luck with whatever you decide.
Post # 4
I totally know how you feel. I think you should definitely let him know how you are feeling. I had kind of the same thing happen a little over a year ago, I don’ think he knew how much not being engaged really bothered me. He thought it was all about having a ring, but it was really about him walking the walk of what he said was going to happen, and our lives/relationsip progressing forward. I think you guys should talk, and set a timeline of when things should happen, and how long you can really wait it out.
Post # 5
I guess I look at it this way, does being a bachelor mean enough to him to lose a relationship with a woman he loves? I’ve waited for a while now, and it makes me feel like he doesn’t think i’m worth it. i know that’s not true, in college, my group of guy friends voted me most likely to get married, and here i am, 7 years out, and most of them are married, and i’m still feeling “unworthy”. i t just makes me wonder if my guy and i are really on different pages. he’s a bit older, but definitely loves to act like a kid. why should i put up with him wanting to be a kid forever?
Post # 6
I was engaged, then cancelled the wedding, then broke up with my bf 6 months later. Having been through all of that I’ve come to the realisation that I would have gladly given up all the wedding stuff just to be happy with my bf again. A wedding can seem so important at the time, but when you’re no longer with the person you love, you quickly realise how little it matters.
Waiting sucks – I know, I’ve been there too. I was with my ex for over 5 years and had moved overseas to be with him before he proposed. If a wedding is really what you want then by all means, set a deadline and leave if it’s not adhered to. But if this man is the man you love and want to spend the rest of your life with then are you really that willing to throw it all away?
Post # 7
thanks divergirl! we have talked about it, and he claims he’s looking..but he’s been saying that forever. and i know this is horrible to admit, but i’ve looked through his computer history. no searches for rings, ring stores, nothing. i feel like he’s just stringing me along.
also, i work full time, and take night classes full time to go to finish up premed requirements. i have no free time at all. NONE. any free second i have, i spend with him. and he totally takes it for granted. i’m not willing to give up all of my breathing time for someone who doesn’t seem to think i’m worth being with forever. and after 3 years and putting up with a lot, he should know by now.
Post # 8
Nothing to see here…. my post was no longer relevant so I pulled it down. Move along now. 😉
Post # 9
thanks everyone! i think i will talk to him (again). but im tired of being gentle. i think i just have to be honest. we’re from the same hometown, and i think i’m just going to tell him i’m not going home for thanksgiving as just his girlfriend. it’s either going to be as his fiance, or as nothing.
i know i sound harsh. but what he’s doing is unfair, and doing nothing but showing laziness, thoughtlessness, and a complete disregard for what I want. i don’t put up with that easily. i just don’t have time for it.
Post # 10
@sepilove: I checked my b/f’s history, and he deleted all evidence of ring shopping. When b/f and I had this discussion last Nov. he said that we would be engaged by end of Aug. next year. So we decided that if we were not engaged by then we would seperate. We ended up getting engaged beg. of September, due to unplanned trips and scheduling.
I don’t think he should be stringing you along indefinitely, it’s just not fair.
Post # 11
Have you ever discussed a timeline with him? If you haven’t, maybe a serious sit down convo, where are you very open and honest with him about all your feelings that you’ve written here would help?
Without him knowing that you’re so frustrated, an ultimatum would be like a slap in the face. But only you know your relationship with him to make that call.
Post # 12
I have not discussed any specific time line with him, i hinted that he could not do it on my birthday (in dec). i completely expected it before then. we had discussed it in early summer. in fact, he seemed to hint that he would do it on our summer beach trip. never happened, obviously. when we returned i told him that i had expected it,and he seemed shocked. i sat down with him and explained to him that if things were to happen at the time line that he wants, he had to propose soon. b/c i certainly don’t plan on giving birth to our children during my 1st year of med school, i still want to move around a little bit before settling down and having children, and he wants us to settle down in our parents hometown. when he seemed to be calculating the timelines he seemed super shocked.
and all i could think of, was, is he a completely moron? how did it not occur to him that there’s a timeline here?
I know I sound so mean, he’s probably one of the sweetest guys i’ve ever met, but i’m just so frustrated. and it’s not like i have time to go vent to my friends. i literally spend every minute when i’m not studying with him. so i’m just venting a lot.
Post # 13
In january I told my Bf that we needed to get married before we turn 30 in july …and I really thought it was not going to happen and I realized it didnt matter as long as we were happy ( almost all of our friends who got married are over) anyway In June he proposed ultimatims work try one and see what happens!
Post # 14
what annoys me too, is that anytime he brings it up, he says we’re going to have a short engagement. wth? that’s not what i want. i’ve told him he’s off base with that, he just looks at me confused. i’d prefer getting engaged sooner at least feeling a little relieved, and then worryin g about an actual wedding (which both of us want to do in europe as a small small ceremony). i just feel like he hasn’t thought about what i want in all of this. and it just pisses me off. makes me feel like we shoudln’t be together.
ugh. sorry, that was another vent.
Post # 15
I think lying is a big deal. And in a way when he tells you by all sorts of signals that he wants to marry you and wil propose and then doesn’t and doesn’t and doesn’t it’s a lie of a sort.
I also know that personally for me it’s a big deal that a person “walk the walk”. When it comes to anything if the guy saying he’s going to do it – I expect him to do it. People who talk a big game but never come through drive me crazy and I have no respect for that.
It sounds like you’ve been pretty clear with him. If you can’t be happy as his girlfriend for another year or two it might be time to end it.
Post # 16
I agree with this thinking so much. Being married is not so important that you should be breaking up with the person you want to spend the rest of your life with because they aren’t adhering to a timeline. I think people need to sometimes examine WHY they want to be married so badly. Do you love this man so much that you want to be with him forever (seemingly no if you would leave him because he isn’t moving fast enough) or do you just want to have a ring or wedding or what?
I guess try to speak with him and tell him that his talking about it but not proposing is really bothering you. Plus, I would say forget the romantic proposal type of thing – obviously if he’s going to recieve an ultimatum the romance and surprise is going to be sucked out of it. Just tell him you want to go out, pick a ring and start planning a wedding and see what he says. Perhaps he thinks you are rushing?