Feeling resentful towards SO for not working as hard as I am?

posted 3 years ago in Career
Post # 3
Member
1362 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley

I would be resentful.  He should be contributing to household chores if he is working less.  Doesn’t really matter that his work is more labor intensive.  He still spends more time at home doing nothing at all, so he should be the one cooking and cleaning and doing laundry.  I also don’t think living at home while his parents are going through a tough time is a good excuse for him to be lazy at all.

If he doesn’t change, how can your resentment go away? When I experienced this in the past I tackled it for 2 years and it never went away.  I ended up having to leave that guy.  I guess I don’t have any good advice, sorry.

Post # 5
Member
1362 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley

@Meglin:  You sound like you are doing the same thing I did in my last relationship.  He was very nice, always giving me backrubs too!  He was very attentive to my needs.  But he didn’t do anything!  He refused to get a job because “I’m going to school full-time, I can’t have a job too!” meanwhile, I had a FT job and FT schooling. (Are we the same person?)

Eventually I couldn’t deal and started really not liking being around him.  I couldn’t even stand seeing his face. Lol. I stayed until it got really bad.  I hope your situation does not get that bad. :/

Post # 6
Member
1779 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@Meglin:  My FH works hard in his own way and contributes around the house when he can. I am in school full time, work full time, plan our wedding part-time, etc. and I do sometimes feel overwhelmed and overworked. I think about how he doesn’t need to worry about the wedding as much and he isn’t in school anymore. But he also always tells me how proud he is after I get a good grade, or how he admires how I can balance all these things, etc. Do you get any support at all?

 

ETA: I just read the last paragraph of your post about his support. That’s a good sign he appreciates everything you try and do for you both. Good luck!

 

Post # 7
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Meglin:  Honestly, I wouldn’t be resentful if he enjoys being lazy and relax when he comes home, BUT I would be resentful and upset if he didn’t contribute to the household chores. He should be helping cook, dishes, laundry etc and THEN resting. I understand his job is very active, but I never find that as an excuse to avoid household duties just becuase one works more than the other or because one works harder. At the end of the day, chores will still be there, and you could both make excuses to validate why you should have to do the chores.

I would talk to him about this. Make a chore chart of what needs to be done and be detailed. He shouldn’t have to do all of it because he works less hours, but he should have to do something. If you know he can’t cook, then you take on the cookies, but he should be throwing in a load of laundry or two when he gets home and vacuuming or putting away dishes.

This will not fix itself as time goes on. You guys need to get a plan started.

Post # 8
Member
2878 posts
Sugar bee

@Meglin:  It happened like that with my ex. His work was physically harder, and he often took extra shifts. But when he got home, it was leisure time. His week (or day or work) was over, while I on the other hand, was a full-time student, part-time worker, and would continue studying whenever I had moments off, plus doing all the chores, cooking, laundry, etc. At first we tried to talk about it, and it didn’t work. He kept his word 1 week, and it was back to square 1. Then after a year I asked him : if you’re not going to help around, I consider it’s my contribution to our appartment, stop asking me 50% of the rent : you pay, I take care of chores. That was the ”contract” we made with each other for years. At the beginning we were both comfortable with this, but over the years I found it very difficult not to resent him for not helping me when I was extremely stressed and was often having anxiety crisis, losing sleep, etc. I felt overall he lacked support when it came to my lifestyle, and I know it wasn’t because he wasn’t caring, he just didn’t understand what it was. Unfortunately for us it became a deal breaker, but my ex and I talked a lot after we broke up and he told me many times that he knows I have tried everything, from discussing to trying to find solutions together, and that he didn’t put the effort to help me. He knows he didn’t do his part and it’s why it couldn’t work between us anymore. Hopefully, your SO can acknowledge this and change his habits before it becomes too much to bear. *hugs*

Post # 9
Member
6505 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’m not in school anymore but at this time of year my work picks up a lot. I work close to 60 hours a week during this period and I quickly found myself feeling resentful towards DH because he works 40 hours and then was coming home and sitting on the couch. Then when I went into the other room to work out he would still stay parked on the couch. He would still help clean and cook but only if I was also doing it already (he would join in).

I finally sat him down and told him about these feelings. I told him that I understood that these feelings aren’t fair and that I shouldn’t be having them but that the situation was just making me angry. He told me he could see my point and that he would try to complete more chores on his own. I’ve learned that if I text him when I know he’s home from work and ask him to do something that he will. He just never thinks to do it on his own. It’s been better since we sat down and had that talk.

Have you talked to him? Explain that your feelings aren’t rational but that you’re having them and don’t know what to do about it. Stress how much you appreciate what he does do (like the back rubs), and ask if he can have dinner ready when you get home (or have the dishes done/ laundry done).

Post # 10
Member
336 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Personally, that would drive me crazy as well, but I hit the jackpot with a DH who cooks/cleans way more than I do! Granted, due to my commute, I am gone 11-12 hrs. a day where he is only gone about 8. From my experience this may be an age thing? My DH is 8 years older than me and he has always been thoughtful about ‘taking care of me’– not so much those who I’ve dated my own age! I hope this is something that he grows out of, especially when/if you move into your own place!  

Post # 12
Member
3635 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Meglin:  I think you need to talk to him about your expectations around the house, not about how many hours he works.  I hate that my husband works too many hours and doesn’t know how to leave work and enjoy and evening with me.  Just because you are a workaholic doesn’t mean he has to be. 

Post # 13
Member
809 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

wow! maybe you guys just have really different drives. I mean, he still works, so it’s not like he’s doing nothing. just because YOU are busy does not mean he needs to be just as busy to be “not lazy”, but I understand the resentment.

however you guys are two separate people, and you can’t change anyone but yourself. making him do more work is gonna be like pulling teeth.

also, don’t underestimate the stress parents-going-through-rough-patch can have on their kids, even in adulthood. just saying.

Post # 14
Member
7997 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

I think that this won’t be something that can be solved overnight. Have you tried talking to him about this?

I’d also suggest lowering your expectations a bit. I think what you do is a bit crazy, and dangerous to your health… are you SURE you can’t cut back on something? You will burn out. I would not expect him to do the same as you. It’s nuts. I can see how coming home to him sipping a beer is a bit annoying, but at the same time, it is legit to come home and relax a bit. Not everything needs to be done perfectly. Not every evening needs to be filled with either cleaning or activities to improve the mind. Of course chores do need to be done. Maybe set up a chore schedule or do chores together and you can take the lead? He probably is all lax about it because it’s not really your home… it’s his parents’ home.

I’d be more worried about his job situation than anything. It sounds like he’s stuck in a rut and isn’t ambitious enough (right now anyway) to do anything about it. I would try to get him to change the job before nitpicking everything else he doesn’t do.

Post # 15
Member
6505 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Meglin:  yup that’s how I am too. I would love to come home and relax but nothing would have gotten done before if I did that. That’s why I finally explained that seeing him sitting on the couch just made me irrationally angry. I asked him to try to take initiative and if I do get home and he’s on the couch I usually ask him to do something while I’m working out. It’s still a work in progress for us but it’s getting better!

Just make sure you mention the things you do appreciate when you talk to him about this. Good luck tonight 🙂

Post # 16
Member
2150 posts
Buzzing bee

@Meglin:  I was just in a similar situation. You are not alone.

FI and I recently had a role change. The last two years, FI has been the breadwinner. He worked 55 hours a week as an arborist- very labor intensive. I was in graduate school full time, completing practicum requirements of 16 hours a week, and I was earning uneployment from my previous job after being laid off. In my spare time, I kept the house clean, took the dog to the park, did the laundry, made dinner, ran errands- everything you need to do to take care of the house. FI’s only chores at this time were to clean up dog poop in the backyard, take the garbage out to the road once a week, and mow the grass in the summer. 

As of July, or roles have been reversed. I am not working full time while FI is in school full time (undergrad) and works about 12 hours a week. I continue to make dinner in the evenings, do our laundry on the weekends, and clean the house. FI is only responsible for doing the dishes every night and taking out the garbage. The first few weeks of this he was complaining about it. I would have to remind him to do these things and he would flip out and say “I’m not a child… why don’t you do the dishes for a change?” He also didn’t have a job for about a month after I started working (we moved), so this was another reason I was resentful of him. 

We had a conversation about everything because it was getting to the point that we would fight every night. I pointed out everything I continue to do around the house minimal amount of things I ask him to do. He has more free time than me, so he should pick up some more chores, but I’m happy to get what I can. He finally realized he needed to stop being a child about doing 2 chores once I pointed out all that I do. 

You need to have a serious conversation about this and how it makes you feel, otherwise it could turn ugly. 

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