feeling sabotaged!

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

Ugh. Your MIL sounds ike a real piece of work! Sorry she’s so difficult!

Post # 4
Member
425 posts
Helper bee

@clockwerk: I hate difficult relatives, and she definitely sounds very very difficult! Mind your own business grams!

Post # 5
Member
889 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@clockwerk:  what’s wrong with her??? Both our moms cried out of joy when we told them we were expecting. And now they can’t get enough of DD. Next time she says sth like that, I’d just say: “well luckily the baby will have two grandmothers, so at least one will be excited about the baby” or if you wanna push it further sth like “well I guess the baby will be much closer to my mum then, if you’re not eager to be a grandmum”. 

Tell your FI that she obviously has some issues. Like, how in the world can you say you’re proud about your child waiting to have kids unless that kid is still a teenager or sleeping with somebody else every night? “Yay, my thirty-year old son is able to use contraceptives, I am so proud of him”??? WTF. indont mean to imply so, but does she have issues with you? Or would she suddenly feel old if she was to be a grandmother? 

tell your husband: yes, a child is a lot of work. But it’s not comparable to any work in the world. The baby will reach for you, smile at you and your heart is melting and you’ll wonder how you ever thought that was hard work. (Don’t fool yourself, you’ll be reminded soon enough ;-))

a friend also recently sent a similar post with setting the alarm for every hour at night and what have you. FIRSTLy, obviously it’s meant to be funny and this exaggerated. Speaking from experience (DD is half a year old), I can confirm it’s exaggerated. Thirdly, the last item on the list went sth like “imagine yourself on a tropical island, receiving a massage while lying on a white beach with crystal clear water, dadada, and multiply tho feeling by 1,000, this is what it feels like”. And that would not even be close. 

If your husband feels like he hasn’t spent enough time with you enjoying just the two of you, wanting to go sky diving and on the craziest of holidays, going clubbing each night. By all means, let him wait. But if he is just “scared” – that’s normal. It’s a juge responsibility. But it’s always going to be that, and millions before you have managed just fine with that responsibility. So will you. Don’t let fear hold you back from reaching your dreams and starting a family. Not even to mention a lunatic that apparently has issues of her own. (When did she have her first child? Did she perhaps feel like she missed out on life and doesn’t want you to repeat that?)

Post # 6
Member
965 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@clockwerk:  I recently had a run in with my FILs talking to my FI about our baby plans and giving their opinion. 

I told him that it’s overstepping to discuss something so personal. It’s something between him and I and no one else. When we decide to have kids, they can give us advice, but the timing isn’t something they get a say in and if they bring it up again I would prefer of he responded with something like “mrs. Max and I will make that decision when we are ready.” Or “thanks for the input, I will bring that up with Mrs. Max the next time we talk about it.” He isn’t just discussing him when he talks to them about it, but he is discussing me and us and I do t feel comfortable at all. 

I’m sorry you have to deal with all this. His mother doesn’t get a vote when you decide if you want kids or not and you should make sure that he understands that. 

Post # 7
Member
47 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Wow!  That’s different, most mothers and MIL’s want babies asap!  Like my MIL will always try to find a way to ask us.  Any way, sounds like your MIL is not ready to be a Grandma.  Maybe you and your DH should sit down and talk to her and try to figure out what the real issue is?  How long does she want you to wait and why? Tell her why you dont want to wait and why you are ready and your plans of buying a house first and then start a family. 

 

Maybe she thinks being a Grandma will make her feel old?  I have heard of that one before, that the mother is not ready to be a Grandma b/c it will make her feel older than she is and not young any more. 

I suggest you three sit down and talk it out and tell her your rough timeline.  She should respect your and your DH’s decision.  As you are married and should be the ones to decide when you start your family. 

 

Post # 8
Member
900 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@clockwerk:  What gives her the right?!

Are you guys super young or something?  Not that it’s her business but maybe if you guys were like 18, 19, 20 I could see how a FMIL would want you guys to wait.  Otherwise she needs to shut up

Post # 9
Member
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@clockwerk:  I’m sorry hon, that’s hard.  I don’t approve of her methods, because this sounds pretty underhanded, but I think there are two sides to every story and I can kind of see where she’s coming from.  In her mind her son isn’t ready for children, but his wife wants them now and is trying to convince him before he feels ready.  I don’t have kids but I assume it’s a lot of work and very time consuming.  I can’t imagine being in that with someone who wasn’t completely ready to be there.  Why she feels the need to speak his mind for him is beyond me, but some moms fight their sons battles to an unhealthy degree, and if that’s always been her then that could be what you’re dealing with right now.

Also I don’t want to assume anything about the communication in your relationship, but I’d discuss with your husband exactly what he’s sharing with her about his feelings.  You want be quite certain that your husband isn’t openly telling his mother that he isn’t ready for kids before getting too upset at her.  Good luck!!

Post # 10
Member
3769 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

My MIL flat out told DH she wasn’t ready to a Grandma when we told her we were pregnant and completely quit talking to DH. 5 years and 2 babies later and her relationship with all of us is strained at best.

Your DH either needs to quit talking to her about babies or needs to tell her to quit making negative comments about it. This is really a decision between the two of you, she has already voiced her opinions, a simple “we have heard your point of view, but we will make this decision between the two of us when the time is right for us” should do!

Post # 11
Member
744 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@clockwerk:  If I were you I would quit talking about babies with her.  She doesn’t need to know what your plans are especially since she is manipulative. 

Post # 12
Member
1626 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Omg, my MIL was urging us to have babies before we got married AND at the wedding reception. What’s her deal? Most MILs WANT babies like…yesterday.

I’d do as others suggested and say something to the effect of, “Well at least my child will get to enjoy their time with ONE grandparent.” 

Ugh, she sounds off her rocker. What is her deal?

Post # 13
Member
240 posts
Helper bee

You already know how she is so why are you joking with her about grandbabies at all?

Post # 14
Member
1882 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@clockwerk:  I feel your pain. A while ago my FMIL made a comment to my fiance about not being ready for grandchildren anytime soon. And we’re in our early 30s! He just chose not to comment back. Sorry FMIL, you can make all the comments you want, but we won’t be taking you and your feelings into consideration here.  

Post # 15
Member
1071 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Greenbrier Country Club

hmmm…

I agree that she is odd. My parents were talking grandbabies before FI and I were even engaged and I’m shocked to see that she is so unsupportive.

I would tell her that her comments are offensive and inappropriate, (especially the FB thing) and ask her to stop making them. Of course you need to take responsibility for your FB comment first.

Post # 16
Member
1266 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

How is your relationship with her otherwise? If she doesn’t like you, maybe she doesn’t want your DH to be permanently linked to you by having kids.  I know that sounds harsh, but I could totally see my FMIL doing that. 

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors