Feeling sad

posted 1 year ago in Emotional
Member
3668 posts
Sugar bee

I can’t tell you if going to meetings will help you, but that is what I was going to suggest. There, you can find people who are in your situation. Good luck with everything.

Member
135 posts
Blushing bee

First of all (((((HUGS))))))) to you. I know a little about meetings so I would like you suggest that you go to al-anon or nar-anon if there is one around, They work! You need to take care of you first and he needs to be responsible for his recovery. I would also suggest that when he goes to meetings he should have slips signed, at least show the court he is trying to change, and have some faith! I know that is really hard right now. All this will work out just the way it is supposed to, not necessarily the way you want, but the way it is supposed to. Just give meetings a chance they have worked for me for 22 years now.

Member
280 posts
Helper bee

I am so sorry all this is on your shoulders now, no wonder you are sad! I have no advice, but just know a lot of us are pulling for you and your FI. You have a hard row to hoe, as my father would say, but keep faith in each other and take it all a day or even an hour at a time, and you’ll get through it.

Member
41 posts
Newbee

Everything’s gonna be fine! Take it easy!

Member
518 posts
Busy bee

@kjo:  I’m sorry that you’re going through this, and that you don’t have a support system to lean on.  As someone in recovery I can tell you this:

1. No-one has the right to tell you what you should do, or to judge your decision; and,

2. As much as you want to help him, you can’t.  He has to do that for himself.  You can be supportive and love him but it would be more damaging to try and change things for him because the message, though unintentional, that you’re sending him is that you don’t think he’s capable of doing it on his own.

The best thing you can do for your relationship is to be the best person you can be for you, and Al-Anon meetings may help.  What may be even more helpful is to find a family program organized by your local addiction counselling service.  They can give you tools to deal with your feelings throughout this process and teach you how to set healthy boundaries within your relationship.

Good luck, and remember to be good to yourself.

Member
298 posts
Helper bee

Hi kjo,

I’m an a chemical dependency counselor so I can understand what you’re going through. It takes a lot of strentgh to stand by through such a serious of heart-breaking situations. I’m really glad your fiance has been sober for 6 months – that also takes a lot of strength. It’s a hard road, for sure. 

Is your fiance still in treatment? The longer he stays in treatment the better chance he has of remaining sober.

I would also second the idea for going to meetings, for both of you. Al Anon has done amazing things for a lot of people. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

Good luck, stay strong, and take care of yourself. Addiction is an ugly, ugly thing. 

Member
443 posts
Helper bee

No advice from me. But I do want to show my support. You are a very brave woman to have taken this decision, and if you have decided to stay by your man then nobody can tell you to do otherwise. Are you a religious person? Praying often helps through such trying times. Do try to meditate for at least half an hour, any time of the day. Just remember, that God is not deaf to our prayers, blind to our tears or silent to our pain. Keep your faith in God, He will make things right in the end.

Member
500 posts
Busy bee

@kjo  I can only imagine how strong someone who is an alcoholic must be to go to AA meetings

It isn’t a strong alcoholic who goes to AA.  A recovering alcholic BECOMES strong BECAUSE they go to meetings.

It isn’t a strong family member who goes to Al-Anon.  It is a family member who is desperate, ashamed, fearful, exhausted and feels they have NO WHERE else to turn who goes to Al-Anon.  A family member of an alcoholic BECOMES strong BECAUSE they go to meetings.

He is a good person, and I cant help him :(

Your job is NOT to HELP him.  Your job is to help yourself and your children.  Your job is to support him.  Your job is to ACCEPT that BOTH of you will have to change in order for the dynamic of your RELATIONSHIP to change as HE changes from an alcoholic to a recovering alcoholic.  Your job is to LEARN a new role for yourself and your children, because the role you have been living is tangled in a web of addiction and alcoholism and HIS role has been the coping mechanism for masking whatever lies UNDERNEATH his drunken pain.  Your job is to understand the role his family and friends have played in his alcoholism and to HELP him understand the difference between DRY and SOBER… That your ENTIRE LIFE must change in order for him to maintain sobriety and for your family to heal and begin the road to recovery. 
HIS job is to help HIMSELF.

 

I wish you peace and luck in your journey. 

Member
2653 posts
Sugar bee

Oh my dear, I’m so sorry that you’ve had so much land on your plate lately. I can’t even imagine going through so much crap in so short a time. Your strength, dedication, and faith are admirable. Your love for him is evident and beautiful. 

Continue to use Weddingbee to express yourself and be able to get your feelings out. Maybe it will help you become more comfortable with the idea of going to meetings, or maybe not, but either way at least you know you have this community.

When one or the both of us are going through hard times, FI and I find deep comfort in simple touches. A long hug while passing each other in the hall, a squeeze of the hand while watching tv together, etc. Sometimes we all get hung up on trying to figure out specific things to do to help each other, but most of the time, just reinforcing what you have together is a big comfort. My 2cents. Good luck to you. Feel free to message me if you need to reach out.

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