Feeling sad about difficult decision :(

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
352 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Tisa85:  I’m (sort of) where you are…DH and I are newlyweds but in our mid-30’s so we need to decide soon if we want to try for a kid. Our issue is financial and career (we’re both struggling artists/underemployed) so although having a child is something I want deep down, I really don’t think it’s the practical or responsible choice for us. The idea of having a child makes me feel extremely anxious, but then the idea of never having one breaks my heart. 

I’m sorry that the person you confided in made you feel bad, and that you’re feeling sad about it. Hugs! It’s a very tough and complicated decision and it can’t be simplified. It’s in our DNA to want to reproduce, so it’s understandable that even though you’ve made the (difficult) decision not to, you’re still going to feel a loss. Your feelings are valid. 

There are some books on this topic that might be of help (DH and I have ordered some). There’s a book called “Childless by Choice.” I haven’t read it yet but it might be helpful

Post # 3
Member
689 posts
Busy bee

Tisa85:  You have every right to feel the way you do. I admire you both for making that decision responsibly. Im sorry the person you spoke to made it so cut and dry because I know in a situation like this that isnt the case. Take the time you need to be ok with the decision you have made.

Post # 4
Member
1386 posts
Bumble bee

You don’t owe anyone an explanation about your reproductive choices and NO ONE has the right to criticize your choice.  It is wbetween you and your spouse.

Post # 7
Member
4483 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I understand. I have health issues, FI does not (aside from a bad knee, which isn’t genetic and won’t affect raising a child). I deal with arthritis, which is currently controlled without medication, but could worsen, and mental illness, which *is* genetic and could compromise an otherwise healthy pregnancy/baby/childhood. We will try to have me go off meds so we can TTC, but if I’m really struggling to function, my well-being comes before a pregnancy that hasn’t even begun. Of course, an existing pregnancy would be a different story, and I’d have to make the decision between medicating or not despite the small risk to the developing baby. We may adopt, and if I have one horrible pregnancy, a second will not be happening. We would likely be elligible only to adopt an older child, and I do mourn the baby years I will likely miss out on. I will not be my child’s first mommy, or the first one to hold him/her, and that’s sad. I’m glad I can still potentially be a parent, but if I make the choice against a biological child, there will be a sense of loss for me/us.

Post # 8
Member
273 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2025

Tisa85:  Obviously you feel what you feel, and no one else can tell you whether it’s right or wrong. I’m an advocate of doing what’s right for the children so I personally agree with your decision – many people have kids because they want kids, and they haven’t thought about the long term affects their situation has on children. 

I know it’s not the same as children, but have you and your husband considered adopting a dog or cat? I have a friend that wasn’t able to conceive so she adopted a dog with her husband. Now they’re SO glad they didn’t have children lol 

Post # 10
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Tisa85:  

One of the reasons I am childfree is I struggle with a health issue that would make pregnancy and post partum very trying. While I could have a child and put myself and a baby at risk, I feel that having a baby when I am not overly healthy would be very unfair. There are also other reasons such as wanting to have more time with my husband and enjoying freedom. 

If you have any babies or small children in your life, you can nurture them if you have a close relationship with the parents. There are also plenty of animals who need love and attention. I know these are not substitutes for having a child of your own. However, you will be able to have a positive outlet for your maternal instincts. 

People love to hassle women about their reproductive choices. I find it so ridiculous and presumptious. When I am pressured to have children, I will sometimes remind the person who is bothering me that not everyone can or should have babies. I usually get a very humbled response. 

Everyone just needs to mind their own uteri. I couldn’t care less how many children other women have. 

Post # 12
Member
7410 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Tisa85:  It is perfectly normal and acceptable to be sad over such a tough decision. Especially since the choice to have children was essentially taken away from you by other circumstances. The person that said that to you is an idiot.

Post # 13
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Tisa85:  

My SIL has a daughter and she has always wanted another child. Unfortunately, my poor SIL has had three consecutive miscarriages and she would rather not try again. I hate it when she tells me stories about jackholes who rudely ask why she only has one child. People like that need throat punches. 

Post # 15
Member
28 posts
Newbee

I just wanted to say that it takes someone very strong and caring and smart to make the decision you did. I am not in your situation but I just wanted to give you kudos and respect.

My fiance and I made the decision not to have kids because neither of us really want them and he has depression controlled by meds but couldn’t handle the big things in life if something happened with the child. He goes into a type of manic depression (very rare thankfully). 

We have been together almost 4 years and there are pros and cons to not having children. You just have to focus on the positives when you are feeling down.

You also have every right to feel as sad as you want! Yes, you ultimately made the decision to not have children BUT your hand was forced by this medical condition so in a way it wasn’t your choice either.

again, it takes a strong and amazing women to make the decision you did. Respect and hugs to you!!!!

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