Weddingbee boards

I'll spare you the boring details, but sufficie it to say that my realtionship with the Boy has not been the easiest. We have had to deal with a lot (not caused by either one of us). Lately, I have been feeling completely overwhelmed due to the shear volume of everything that I have had to deal with to be with this man.

There is the crazy exwife, legal custody battles, two job lay-off's, the Boy not setting clear boundaries with people, and the list goes on and on. It seems like every little thing that comes up now bothers me more than the one before. His BFF is a girl and I just saw a photo of the two of them togteher and I wanted to blow a gasket, although I know that she's totally harmless.

I find myself being totally cranky with the Boy, snappy, and just feeling really sad. This, naturally, causes conflict between us which just makes me feel even worse. It's really hard because it's not just one thing it's the total sum of EVERYTHING that is making me feel this way. I am going to talk to the Boy about it tonight, but I know that it will be hard for him to understand since it's not just one thing (and he tends to do better taking one issue at a time).

He's also started to act weird, like doing things (which I mentioned in another thread) like snooping in my private messages.

I know that all relationships are ups and downs and that we're kind of stuck in a rut right now, but I really don't know how to stop these feelings. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but when I think of everything I've been through this year it makes me wonder how on Earth we'll make it. And that just adds to my feeling sad.

Anyway, I just wanted to vent...

Okay.  Is anyone else on here disturbed at hearing a fiance referred to as "the Boy", or is it just me? Not getting down on anybody here, but I don't think that's helping an already difficult situation.  The things you describe ain't easy -- ex-wives, legal battles, snooping, lack of boundaries - for anyone.  Nor is being engaged (as in love as I am with my man).  Sorry to all you starry-eyed ladies out there.  But there are stresses for sure and most of us can admit this.  So, there is something to say, though people oddly write to say they have nothing to say.  Get some professional counseling.  Not even together.  How 'bout by yourself, to learn about yourself, to learn how to deal with your issues.  Maybe then you can begin to deal with his, and later, with your kids' issues.  As far as I'm concerned, this is something we all should be doing... 'til the money runs out.  It's a work in progress, no ladies? But 'the Boy'?? You are obviously very, very angry at this guy and it doesn't sound like a day-old bit of business to me.  Maybe you have every right to be.  But why not sort this out now, sweetpea?

JoeBeth12, I think that's kind of a harsh response. 

@JoeBeth: You call us "starry-eyed girls" and then call me "sweet pea" and you have the audacity to be offended that I call him "the Boy." Did you ask WHY I call him that? No, you made a very ignorant conclusion that it was because I'm "very, very angry at the guy." (For the record, he knows that I refer to him as this and thinks it's funny/cute.)

I'm very confused what post you read to be honest. Where does it say I'm angry at him because I had no idea I was "obviously very, very angry at the guy," but it's nice to be told I am since I had no clue.

And I probably had no clue I was so "very, very angry" because I, obviously, know nothing about myself and need therapy! Thanks! Even the kids that I didn't even mention I have seem to have issues, according to your interpretation of my vent. Wow, thanks so much for making it all so clear for me. (That's sarcasm, in case you missed it. :P)

To everyone else:

Thanks for your replies. I think it is probably in part the weather, and I probably would feel better with some exercise.

Since I'm not really mad at the Boy, it's really hard to talk about things with him since it's not just one concerete thing. And, really, there's nothing he can do. I mean, he can't make his ex-wife nice, and he can't make his jobs not lay him off.

To explain it better, it's as if I was totally stressed out about something completely not involving him and was just being cranky with him because he's the person closest to me.

I am normally very good at diffusing situations, dealing with stress, and processing my emotions but right now I just feel really overwhelmed. I know eventually I will feel better, but I don't want to cause more stress in between, so that's why I came here to vent so I could whine and feel sorry for myself and get it out of my system. :)

Thanks, @Rosiegirl! There is a gym in my office that I have been waiting to open up and they are FINALLY open, so I'm marching down there to sign myself up. I haven't been to the gym in 2 months, at least. I'll probably feel better, although I'll hate every moment of working out. lol...

You bees are awesome! (And I'm normally petrifed of bees! lol...)

I live and learn.  Live to learn! Sorry everybody! Thanks... I actually, honestly, didn't know that a reference to "the Boy" the way it was used in Curlydreamer's post was a fondness.  Believe me, I use all kinds of references, so I shouldn't have jumped to any conclusion... but in the context of her post it just sounded.... but I apologize and I understand the uproar.  As for counseling, therapy or whatever one wants to call it -- in my humble opinion, we all have issues.  And if the money, time and will are there -- we could all use the guidance, whatever form it may take (it's a personal thing, I realize).  As for what I perceived to be your anger towards your FI, Curlydreamer, well, it's not for me to say, just sounded it to me.  Anyhow, to me being angry or upset with one's FI isn't necessarily a bad thing; but that's me.  I think it can open up a thing or two between two people if it gets talked about.  But again, if I was quick to judge or too harsh, I apologize.  As for the starry-eyed comment -- now I'm not sure why that got some riled up.  I mean, some moments I'm starry-eyed about the engagement-wedding planning and sometimes I'm just plain overwhelmed and don't know how I'll get through it.  I have a daughter, I love my bridesmaids but they're totally useless in the "help" department, family's great but they're all doing their thing.  I'm trying to muddle through this with the help of these Boards, which I find utterly brilliant, and I'd hate to think I'd pissed off every last one of you!

@JoeBeth: Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I think the hard thing with the boards is that it's hard to tell a person's tone in type, so sometimes when we think we're giving good advice or support, what is actually read comes across differently. But, we all say things that perhaps sound harsh so no harm, no foul. :)

I agree that many people can benefit from therapy, and I also agree that anger is not necessarily a bad thing as long as it's used productively. I think we probably agree on many points, actually. :)

(For the "starry-eye girls," I just found it ironic you were put off by "boy," but found it okay to call women "girls," not knowing how old we are or whether we could possibly find that offensive. :) Silly, I know.)

Thanks so much for writing back, Curlydreamer, and for being so understanding.  Funny comment about "girls" and "boys".  I never thought of that.  I'd seen so many bees and ladies (women?) on the knot refer to us all as "girls" that I figured it was just what we do on here.  I guess I've been walking around with this double standard the whole time,  I have a cat and a puppy, both male, and I call them my "boys".  Wonder if that's why I flinched when I read "the Boy".  But I have a feeling if it was written "my Boy", it might have sat better (hehe).  Alright.. gotta get back to work.  The main thing here is -- I hope you're feeling better. 

@JoeBeth: Aww... thanks! I am feeling better. We talked. It was not easy or fun. It was hard to fully express exactly what I am feeling because it's not just one thing. I told him it was "the total sum of everything" and he asked for specific examples, which just lead to a run-around conversation of sorts. It's so hard because it's like little things that are one drop in the bucket, but eventually with tons of drops the bucket overflows. I realize though that some of that is my fault and I own that. Had I not been so laissez faire or let so many things that really bothered me slide, then I probably wouldn't have felt as overwhelmed. I dunno... work in progress, work in progress like everything in life. :)

I'm so glad you talked, Curlydreamer! I know what you mean about everything adding up, overwhelming... I have so much figured out in my head about how to do this relationship thing, but believe me, BELIEVE ME, I get it screwed up constantly.  Ask my boy! Here's one little tip I learned in counseling from my first marriage (hehe).  When we do sit down and have one of those talks... and we all know they tend to get waaaaay outa hand in terms of time and (number of) topic discussed... it's not a bad idea to put a clock on it, to actually say from the get go something like -- let's limit this chat to 20 minutes, or 30 minutes, or something like that.  I mean, it implies that we women aren't going to go on endlessly, and that this thing is, like you say, a work in progress, and that we and our guys can get back to the conversation, to the problem again later... and again and again! Still at work....

That's a good suggestion of a clock for certain things! I might try that one!