Post # 1
I think the point of this post is to remind myself to stop making assumptions about how people will react to my wedding decision.
FI and I decide to only have our siblings kids attend the wedding. This left out a cousin of mine – who, after getting the invite, called my sister to find out if his daughter was invited. I tried to call him a couple times and then ended up talking to him over IM explained why we decided on no kids. My cousin acted like he was fine with it – and then told me his wife couldn’t attend and he would have to leave the wedding early (ie: just come to the ceremony). He said they couldn’t attend because he daughter just started catechism classes and his wife had to go with them (um – classes for kids at night??) (the wedding starts at 4pm and he said he’d need to leave at 6pm).
I told him I was happy he was able to attend – but the reality is I’m really upset about it. I thought I’d feel better in the morning – but I don’t.
It didn’t dawn on me that this cousin would pull something like that. His wife has a big family that always watches their daughter – so I know that finding childcare isn’t the issue.
I think that he’s hurt that his daughter isn’t included in the wedding. His daughter (she’s 8) was the flower girl in a recent wedding (I don’t know the people, but saw pictures and heard stories about it) and I’m making huge assumptions here, but I kind of think he expected her to be involved in some way (I’m one of her 2 godmothers) – and certainly was blindsided by the fact she wasn’t invited.
In hindsight – I wish I would have had the opportunity to talk to him about our decision to not have kids. I know it’s going over and above to make sure the important people are ‘ok’ with your decision – because the reality is they are not. But, I think if they feel part of the decision making process (especially when it affects them) I think it would be a nice thing to do. I don’t talk to this cousin all that often in person – and he was the last person I thought would have issue with it… which is why this is all taking me by surprise.
Post # 3
I don’t know. I am sorry you are feeling bad about this, but I am sure he/they feel bad too. They thought well enough of you to make you the godmother of their little girl, so they are probably hurt that you didn’t at least invite her to the wedding.
If I was them, I would be very hurt, but I would understand. I think they would have liked the opportunity to say yes they would bring her or no they would not bring her.
I still think you should contact him/them directly and talk about it. I am sure it would make you both feel better. Texts and IMs don’t always come across the way the should.
Post # 4
I think that if you want people to respect your decision not to have children at the wedding, than you have to resepct their choice to attend or not based on your rule. I’m not someone who particularly favors having children at weddings, especially night weddings where there is drinking going on. If I choose not to have children at my wedding, then I can’t be mad if someone decides not to come because of that. It’s their child. Maybe they can’t find a babysitter (I know you feel that’s not the case here), maybe they don’t have the money for a babysitter, maybe they are just hurt and being spiteful, but ultimately it’s their decision regardless.
Would you consider letting this cousin bring his daughter? It appears you are close enough to him if you are her godmother. You’ll never be able to please eveyone so make sure you please yourself and your FI first. Shrug this off and contiune with your great wedding plans.
Post # 5
I am going through the same thing. My cousin has a son and I have not seen both of them in 3 years but I am sticking my ground after he facebooked me to ask if “Formal adult reception” meant that his son could come and there would just be some drunk people in formal attire there. I said No he could not come. I only have 3 cousins and my family used to be very close but with the deaths of our grandparents and people moving we do not see eachother anymore. It is your wedding and don’t let people try to guilt you into feeling bad about your decisions!!!
Post # 6
It’s tricky when it’s not all or none. When people know some kids are invited but not theirs, there is room for them to get touchier.
That said, I still don’t understand all the parents that take it as a personal insult rather than what it actually is (space issue, personal preference of the hosts, financial issue, etc.). Especially in cases where babysitting is somehow offered by the bride & groom.
Maybe it’s just the area I live in that has instilled this bias because I have never seen kids younger than 16ish at a wedding and I’ve been to 11. I know I will be leaping at the chance to have “adult time” whenever I can if I have kids someday.
Post # 7
We had to cut back a lot. We didn’t even invite adult children of family members, there just wasn’t enough room in the venue for my huge family. And yes, people were upset. But you had to cut your guest list for a reason, it’s not like you’re doing it to be mean or you don’t like them. don’t let them get you down!
Post # 8
I don’t understand why parents take it so personally. I see where he could be a little touchier than most because you’re a godmother, but still- it isn’t like you set out to insult them or disappoint her. Even godmothers have budgets or space issues and have to make sacrifices they didn’t want to make. There will always be people who are upset about the guest list- that’s just something I’ve come to expect. The best advice I can give is just thank him for attending the ceremony graciously and move on 🙂
Post # 9
…as this unfolds, just found out my cousin’s mother is now not attending either (my god-daughter’s grandmother). Oh, the carnage of it all….
Post # 10
We opted to do none at all…which had its own issues. My FI has lots of young nieces and nephews… and there was some serious drama about them not coming/ not being in the wedding. We just stuck to our guns on it (even when FI sister said she wouldnt come if he son wasnt invited) and now people are fine with it. They know its a space/ cost issue.
Perhaps if you called them and talked to them about it the situation would be better? If not, then you just ahve to move on beacsue in the planning process you are going to piss a few people off….
Post # 11
Well first, try not to make assumptions. No one has actually said WHY they aren’t coming yet, correct? The last thing you want to do is worry needlessly, or start in on some other negativity about them. Then things can really snowball.
While I can se why you’re thinking the worst, I would see if you can figure out what the situation is. Perhaps the mother is staying home, so the wife can go? Perhaps the mother really does have something else going on. Can your mother/father investigate? Also, you could call your cousin to talk about it. I would opt for whichever would be the most laid back approach…
I do agree with the poster who said that if you aren’t going to invite kids (and that is your perogative -neither right or wrong) then you have to accept people turning down the invitation, if it doesn’t work for them. Plenty of brides come here complaining about how guests give them grief about who has and hasn’t been invited. But it goes both ways. There are different reasons why a bride goes with no kids or no dates. But they have to accept when those rules are too uncomfortable/inconvenient to guests, and get turned down.
Post # 12
I think in a situation like this, you have to realize that you made your decision, and other people will have to deal with it – leaving early may just be his way of making it work. I would stand your ground, because if you let her come, then other people are going to want their children to come.
It’s tough, but obviously there was a valid reason for not inviting children.
Oh, and just a side note – my catechism classes were always at night. I guess it’s just the norm or something 😛