Post # 1
I feel awful and ashamed writing this, but I am starting to feel some resentment towards my MIL. We moved to my DH’s city (which was very hard for me because my family is hugely important to me and we are very close knit). Now that DH and I are married and thinking of TTC, I can’t help but feel pangs of sadness and even resentment, that MY parents are not going to be the grandparents around for everything. We will have to take trips to see them, and it is very hard for me to come to terms with. I have an extremely close relationship with my parents and they have been married for almost 45 years. DH’s parents are divorced, and my MIL has three of her four kids living in the same city as her. I am my parents’ only daughter. My MIL mentions often that “parents want to be near their kids all the time, but as long as the kids are happy, that’s all that matters.” I have a hard time believing she would be saying/thinking the same thing if her own daughter moved away from her! She makes comments like “I only get to see [her daughters’ kids] 3-4 times a week!” Like that’s supposed to make me feel better! MY mom won’t get to see our kids except for on holidays. I don’t want to feel this way, but it’s upsetting 🙁 I think my parents would be an amazing, amazing influence on my future children’s lives, and I just feel sad. I always envisioned them being the “set A grandparents”. I don’t want to talk to DH about this, because we had this conversation before we got married (where to live). I don’t know how to feel better.
Post # 3
I grew up next door to my mom’s parents and an hour and a half away from my dad’s parents. my favorite grandparents were my dad’s parents because they were awesome. It doesn’t matter who they are physically closer to, especially in this day and age of Skype.
Post # 4
Um…are you me? That is the exact situation I will be in. I am upset also because my parents are so sane in comparison with my fiance’s…!
@Sugaree: I was closer/am closer (Grandma died in 1991; Grandpa’s still alive) to my dad’s parents because they lived an hour or so away…so we saw them all the time. I still loved/love my mom’s parents (Bapa died in 1993; Gran’s still alive), but I never see her. I wish I had lived closer when my brother and I were younger…because then my relationship with her would be stronger.
Post # 5
Having been through this myself my advise is to tell your hubby how your feeling regardless if it was discussed before. These feeling can carry over to him once your actually a parent. You could always do a long term plan to move in the future, I mean who says you have to live near his family why not your family?
Post # 6
I know this feeling. Though it’s opposite for us and my husband is the one who has to accept that his family is the B family due to . . . well, things they’ve done that make me not like them! . . . And knows I don’t really care to have his parents around much. Geographically, his family is closer.
Any way your parents would consider a second home or extended stays or even a move to be closer to you? Even a few long trips during the year and a few weeks every summer with your parents is enough for a really strong relationship!
Post # 7
@bricon: I know; I’m worried that I’ll start resenting my husband too, which I really do not want. In all fairness, we had talked about these issues in length before we got married. I think now that life is falling into place and children are a definite thing in the next couple of years, I’m starting to get quite sad. I don’t think it’s fair of me to tell him I want to move though, after having lengthy conversations about this prior to marriage. I broke down today (I was a bit teary about the whole situation) and he tried to cheer me up by telling me that we would spend summer vacations, Christmas etc. with my parents. I think I”m sad about the day to day life though. I always envisioned my mom being around to help me, and I’m starting to feel like I don’t want my MIL to be constantly involved if my own mom can’t be. I know that sounds so immature 🙁
@daybyday: I hope that we can visit as often as possible. I wish I had all the money in the world, and I would buy my parents a place here to stay for half the year. I have a brother that I’ve moved away from too, and it just makes me so sad for some reason now. The wedding is over, there’s no big exciting event to look forward to, and I just feel like I’m missing my family.
Post # 8
Trust me this wont affect how your kids feel. I really disliked my paternal grandparents who lived close to us and i loved my maternal grandparents who i only got to see once a year and lived across the country.
Post # 9
We’re in the same boat in that we live 30 minutes from DH’s parents and 11 hours from my parents (when they retire in a few years, it will become 5.5 hours, but my in-laws will always be closer, distance-wise).
I’ll be honest though, I’m really not concerned about it but maybe that has to do with the fact that I have a great relationship with my in-laws. I’m also a believer that proximity doesn’t have to determine one’s relationship. Your kids can still have a great relationship with your parents even if they don’t see them quite as often.
Post # 10
How far away are your parents? We live near FI’s family and a plane ride away from mine. My mom guilt trips me about it all the time but honestly I love where I live! Also, it’s easier for me though knowing that even though she says she will babysit and see her grandchildren all the time now, she won’t actually do it (my sister and BIL moved to their town for this reason and she never helps them with my nephew and barely sees him 1x/week)
Anyways, I think you and DH should talk about if moving closer (maybe halfway between) is an option. If not, I’d say that your kids will still love your parents even if they are far away! Both my g-parents lived close growing up and I far prefered one pair to the other. I also am much closer to my aunt that lived across the country than the one that lived down the street from me!
Also – I live further from my nephew than my other sister does and he likes me way more – and it’s very obvious and he’s only 2! Even at 9 months you could tell – he would scream when my other sister walked in the door but never for me! Not sure why, but I think it’s because my sister was abroad for the first 9 months of his life so he didn’t get to “know” her. I only saw him 1x/month during that time but they know more than you think they do! 😉
Post # 11
I lived 10 minutes walking from my dad’s parents and 11 hours away from my mother’s parents. I couldn’t stand my dad’s parents, they were awful. My mom’s parents I talk to all the time (everyday).
Distance has nothing to do with it. If it bothers you , maybe your children can visit your parents during the summer. That is what I did.
Post # 12
I am in a similar boat, although we aren’t close to either set of grandparents. My niece and nephew live down the street from my parents and get to see them several times a week. My mom will just go pick up my nephew and take him to softball games or the park, or the store or something. If we have kids they will never ever have that kind of relationship, it will always be some big planned thing that involves lots of driving and tearful goodbyes and its going to suck alot.
Post # 13
I understand where you’re coming from, but you really have no idea who your kids will favor. Secondly, we live in the age of skype and webcams. I literally live something like 10,000 miles away from my family and my little siblings are 9 and 11. I talk to them all the time on Skype, and they feel like I’m a constant in their life. Our other, older sister on the other hand, lives an hour away and probably hasn’t bothered to see them in like a year.
Yes, your parents will have to make a different type of effort than your MIL, but if they want to they will. I think your resentment is misplaced, it’s not your MIL’s fault that you moved, that was a decision you and your DH made.
Post # 14
My maternal grandparents lived very close by but were not very warm. My paternal grandparents live 7 hours away but we’re very close. Every year we would go stay with them for two weeks in the summer. It’s all about the relationship. Your parents sound like they will be great grandparents, regardless of the distance.
Post # 15
I know that distance doesn’t have to define the relationship; I think I am just incredibly sad that my parents will miss out on the ‘everydays’. And I am very sad that I will miss things back home. I already miss our family dinners, or grabbing a coffee with my mom, or stopping by to visit. I knew this all along, but the magnitude of it all is hitting me now that we are married. I feel so sad that I am giving up something so hugely important to me.
Post # 16
So it sounds like this is really less about Set A v. Set B grandparents and more just about you wanting your parents to be more a part of your everyday lives. I’m sorry, that sucks 🙁 It’s just one of those problems with no real solution. It sounds like you thought out where to live before you got married, and there must be a reason you picked to live where you did. Maybe focus on those reasons you moved in the first place? And also realize that this will become your new normal. Also, make seeing your family for FUN stuff a priority. I’m sure it will all work out okay.