Post # 1
Just need to vent, so excuse me for a second… one of those days where everything is making me tearful and down.
My SO of 7 years is very aware of the fact that I want to get married, but is quite busy and stressed at the moment sorting out plans for graduate studies overseas etc. so I laid off the nagging (not that I think I overdid it, but I was quite obvious about my desire to get married) and have been super good and quiet about it for a whole month (as per a lovely bee’s advice in one of my previous posts).
I’ve been trying to distract myself by getting involved in other things etc…. and honestly I think not nagging has been good for our relationship. But today I’m just feeling sad.
You see we live apart – he lives about 40 mins – 1 hour (dependent on traffic) drive away from me. I see him every weekend – either here or there – and sometimes in the week too, but he works late and I don’t like driving too much, so it can be tricky. I live alone too, and today I’m just sad. I have a few good friends here, but that’s not the same as having your best friend and partner with you all the time. I’m just sick of being alone and doing everything alone 🙁 Loneliness sucks big time.
I also want to study overseas (same place as him), and I’m hoping the move will help him to feel better about making a commitment (because we’d actually be in the same place). But it’s all so up in the air. Need funding, to be accepted, find a place to stay etc etc.
Even though I think I should mention marriage again some time soon maybe (? So maybe this is where the adivce part comes in, who knows!) I don’t even know what’s happening next year, so I can’t plan anything. I’ve been SO good at keeping positive and stuff, but today I just feel blah. I need a HUGE dose of patience. *sigh* vent over!
Post # 3
Ugh. I was having one of those days yesterday. It seems to come in time with that certain irritating time of the month. Some people suggest to stay of the Bee as it’ll make you think about it more, but in reality for me, it helps me get my need to talk about him finally someday being my husband (not just the wedding thing, that I’m almost willing to pass on) instead of simply my boyfriend. I’ve been really good about not saynig anything too. But yesterday I blurted out some wedding junk and he just kind of shook his head at me and said soon. Grrr. The waiting board feels your pain.
Post # 4
I’m sorry to hear that you’re having a rough day! It is easy to be impatient but I think its good to be occupied with other things. Does he give any reasons for not wanting to be married yet or is he just too busy sorting out the studying overseas?
Post # 5
Actually, I would go ahead and start planning. When SO asks why you are making plans, let him know that as of right now (and per his direction) you aren’t engaged and you have no *together* plans…. so you are making some of your own. Tell him that you need to feel like you have some say in the rest of your life and the fact that you are in one place with readiness and he is in a different place…. well, you needed to be able to start making plans for your future with purpose and direction. And, without an engagement the only *direction* you can go…. is alone.
He will (should…. hopefully) take it from there.
Post # 6
- Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA
Well, you’re right. I think your SO is trying to take things one at a time. So, get this over seas thing figured out, then go from there. I really think the best thing to do would be to keep being patient (and quiet!) about the wedding stuff. Unless he’s got the memory of a goldfish, he hasn’t forgotten how you feel, and continuing to pressure him will more than likely have the opposite effect you’re looking for.
I know my FI finally had to tell me to stop bringing it up because every time I said something it pushed back his timetable because he didn’t want his proposal to feel like he was only doing it because I was nagging him.
Post # 7
@andibean: I know how you feel, somedays you feel like you’ll never make it down the aisle. Are any of your friends married, engaged? Thats makes it ten times worse. I’d just relax & organise the over seas thing. We’ve been together for 3+ years, I’m in my 30s and most of my friends are married. I feel very left out lol, but who knows it could come sooner than you expect =) Best wishes
Post # 8
Aw, thanks for all your supportive comments. It helps!
@3xaCharm: Completely agree with you – I am making my own plans. I’ve made contact with the institution I’m hoping to go to, have a potential supervisor (advisor) etc. Just waiting for scholarships to open in July and then I’m going for it. I pretty much told him I’m going to study there whether he likes it or not, although I said that knowing that he is also very excited about the opportunity he has at a college. I am very ambitious and academically strong, so I am tentatively optimistic about the studying.
Applying is just a long process, and there are no guarantees so that’s what I mean by ‘I can’t make definite plans’. And then if you throw in the whole marriage thing too… so I guess that’s where my frustrated feelings come from.
@carly20: Yip, he said he wants to sort out his career first (which the graduate studying will help with, a lot).
@LiliKitty and @Alaric2012: Thanks so much for the support and empathy. My friends are either married or single so it’s hard for them to understand sometimes, and the bee does help with that.
@juliette.eliza: Thanks for the advice. Okay, I’ll keep on keeping on keeping quiet :
I still feel a bit frustrated, but it really does help to write it all out and to hear some support! Thanks for being so kind and helpful.
Post # 9
I’m sorry, I know how frustrating it must be for you! I agree with PP in that you should make getting all your school stuff figured out a priority. That sounds like it’s really stressing you out and I think you’d feel better with concrete plans. Then you’d be able to be closer to your SO and it would be a better time to bring up marriage again.
Living alone can be really awesome, but it does get really lonely. I lived by myself for 5 years and I was fine until I met my SO who became my best friend. We lived about 30 minutes apart and both of us worked and so our time was limited. I moved to the same town as him and while I got to see him more often, I felt even more alone because I didn’t have any friends at my new place. I really really struggled last summer with loneliness. It broke his heart, but there was nothing he could do for me. I started volunteering and met some really cool people there and was able to use my time for something productive. By the winter, I was far more content with living alone.
Granted, I knew I’d be moving in with my SO in the spring, which helped. Anyway, I totally understand feeling isolated and just being tired of being alone! I also joined a women’s group that went on hikes and did outdoors events. I don’t really have time for the group anymore, but it was a nice place to meet other women. Hope things get better for you!
Post # 10
I totally understand the frustration with waiting. Can you move in togeter? in the new location or if that falls through can either of you move into the other’s home?