(Closed) feeling secure

posted 8 years ago in Christian
Post # 3
1032 posts
Bumble bee

Clearly, her dream of a wedding that she (and most women have) as a little girl has been shattered. She thought she would be able to depend on a man financially, but things are not as she seemed. She is sad… not good for getting in the mood. So you treat her like a woman you love unconditionally, and take care of her emotional needs (i.e. make her feel heard, sympathize with her dream being crushed, show her that you want her to be your wife). You cannot expect a woman to be physically intimate with you if she doesn’t feel emotionally intimate with you. 

I personally don’t see how no intimacy turns a man from thinking “I could not see being with anyone aside from her” to “I am starting to question breaking everything off”. Clearly as you think “she is fixated on money above me” it seems you are fixated on physical intimacy above her as a whole person. That is a red flag in my opinion. Perhaps you should go to couples’ counseling before proceeding further toward marriage. If she has a child, it would be unfair to enter into a marriage without assuring you will be there for her and her child through thick and thin including a dry spell.

I am sorry if this sounds snarky, I agree that you cannot use sex as a weapon and she is wrong in this, however you need to make sure she feels loved. I say push the wedding date back first of all so you can save money, then go to counseling, then talk it through to see if withholding intimacy is how she deals with all confrontation (major red flag). If this is something she does regularly, that does not bode well for a marriage. 

Post # 4
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I have two major thoughts.

1) Weddings are a big deal for women. This is largely due to the Wedding Industrial Complex (WIC), meaning all the wedding related industry (dresses, florists, bakers, venues, photogs, videographers, djs, bands, caterers, etc., magazines and yes even websites) who serve to earn money off couples getting married. The WIC has incredible marketing power, and targets women starting long before they are engaged or getting married.

Women, therefore, tend to come to weddings having an idea that a wedding must be what they’ve seen in the magazines – chiavari chairs (which cost around $8/each to rent, more or less regionally), $45 centerpieces on each table, a $3000 dress, 6 bridesmaids, expensive lighting, imported wines, an open bar, etc. etc. etc.

None of those things inherently bad, BUT they do cost money. The WIC markets them in such a way that they are easily seen as “necessary”. A wedding without them is somehow “less” – less beautiful, less appropriate, less gracious to your guests, less worthy of getting married. Of course this is only marketing, and the truth is, a wedding is about getting married, and a reception is about celebrating love. Not the chairs, the booze, the music, the food. It’s all really about the love.

It’s hard for a lot of women to break through that idea though, that their wedding has to be “perfect”. This gets really hard, because the “perfect” wedding is an expensive wedding, upwards of $40,000 (much more if you’re in an expensive area). A lot of brides and grooms just simply don’t have that much money to spend on a wedding, and have to make sacrifices.

For many women, it’s easy to take making those sacrifices personally. To feel like she’s being denied her dream wedding, which the WIC tells her over and over she is entitled to. The favorite lie is that “this is your day” and therefore you should get whatever you want (or whatever you’re told to want, rather), regardless of whether you have a budget to keep to. Obviously, this is not realistic for most couples.

In your case, you’ve said $10,000, but it’s realistically looking like you’ll hope to spend closer to $5000, am I right?

I would advise your Fiance to consider what she sees as the most important elements at her wedding. It IS possible to have a wonderful wedding for only a few thousand dollars. Just not the WIC way.

Some couples opt for cake and punch (or champagne) receptions, which can cut your per guest cost to a minimum – a great option if you have mostly local guests.

Some couples opt for a more private service at an exotic locale. Destination weddings tend to pare away all but those nearest and dearest to you, and help with the issue of feeling like you’re obligated to invite people who aren’t as important to you (like great aunt sally who you haven’t seen since you were seven, or your boss, etc.). A destination wedding for 20 guests or fewer can easily fall under $5000.

Some couples opt for a potluck reception, asking guests to bring a dish instead of a gift. Some choose to get married in their backyard (borrow tables and chairs from your local church), and have family friends or relatives chip in to make a big, family style meal.

Once you reorient your way of thinking to be about sharing and celebrating your love, instead of putting on a show or throwing a gala party with perfectly polished details (which no one will remember in a year anyway – I promise!), it’s easy to find alternatives that are within your budget.

Post # 5
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Okay, my second thought (separate post since I know it’s long, haha):

2) The way your fiancee is treating you, in response to all this, is unacceptable.

Whether or not it’s intentional on her part, your fiancee is being manipulative. She is using physical intimacy as a weapon, and that’s not okay.

She is also failing to communicate with you in an appropriate, mature manner, and that’s a big red flag for me.

As I am sure you are aware, communication is vital in a relationship like marriage. If you cannot communicate, clearly and willingly, with the other person, even when it’s hard or about something that makes you unhappy, etc., your marriage just won’t work.

“I don’t want to start the marriage broke” is a conflicting message with “I want to spend more on a wedding”, duh.

It’s also a red flag that she is so dependent on you financially. Does she work? Will she work if your family needs a second income to get by? Do the two of you have a joint budget? Have you been living at or below your combined financial means?

From your description, it seems like she is seeing marriage as a fun game, where you get to play with someone else’s money and not worry about stuff. The truth is though that you’re planning to vow to stand beside each other, for richer or poorer, in hard times and in good, etc. It’s not just for the easy times.

It can be very hard to adjust to living with less than what you previously had (it’s always hard to ‘downgrade’ and easy to ‘upgrade’), it shouldn’t be an insurmountable thing if you work together to make ends meet, to spend wisely, to save appropriately.

You both need to be proactive about communicating about your finances. Consider talking with a financial planner, together, if you haven’t already, and setting up a budget that is within your (lowered) means.

Finances and sex are supposed to be the two major causes of divorce in America – so yes, you are treading on dangerous ground here! BUT that doesn’t mean you can’t make it work. It just means you need to work together to get to a healthy place, where you’re fighting on the same side, the two of you against the world, to make a life for yourselves. It seems like too often I see couples fighting against each other over things like money, when they should be side by side fighting together.

Hopefully that wasn’t all too ramble-y, and I hope it helps, and that things work out for you both.

Post # 7
527 posts
Busy bee

Often, I feel like too much is built up about one’s wedding having to be “perfect” and live up to a “little girl’s dream.”  Ultimately, it’s just about the two of you being bound together and sharing it with your families and friends.

I apologize if this sounds offensive, but it sounds like she is behaving more like a little girl than a woman (which I have seen happen to many a good, practical woman who gets engaged).  I agree with sweetpea1031 that maybe moving the date back and going to counseling would be a good idea.

Also, some of my favorite weddings have been ones that were done for less than $10,000!

Post # 8
1995 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I agree with daydreamwanderer 

I would make sure that it’s the money that’s bothering her and not something more important!  Yeah it’s a bummer that you can’t have the ultimate dream wedding but not such a bad thing that you don’t want to plan and prep for one of the most important days of your life!!!  It sounds like she’s making excuses for not wanting to be close to you and spent this important time bonding over the creation of your wedding. 

Let her know you’re hesitation towards the finances and how you’d like to spend money on our wedding but that other things are important too – the kids, your future, a house, retirement etc.

Post # 9
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I dont mean to be harsh, but it sounds to me like she’s acting more like a child than a wife. I think a lot of women (most even) are not going to get their dream wedding. That’s life! I’m not going to get my dream house or my dream car either… life is not perfect. punishing you makes no sense. does she have a job? Why is financial security 100% on your shoulders? i think she needs to accept real life as it is rather than being pissed off that life isn’t like the movies. 

Post # 10
277 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

When planning my wedding, I was starting to be like that… thinking everything needed to be the best that there was, that there should be no limit as we’d have to spend whatever it cost to make me happy…

… then my mother took me aside, said that I should be better than to fall prey to the wedding industry, and that I would have a wonderful wedding, even if we did not hire the U$6,000 photographer.

And I kind of got over it. Now, if something doesn’t please me 100%, I push it aside and remind myself the wedding will still be wonderful and I’ll be marrying the man I love.

It seems like your fiancé needs a bit of that push, and Ihave to agree with @corgitales that she’s being really childish about it.

Post # 11
246 posts
Helper bee

This would be a HUGE red flag for me!  Will she behave this way with each financial decision that you two have to make if she doesn’t get her way? 

Post # 12
2588 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

To be honest, she seems childish and immature, not to mention materialistic. Gently explain to her that a marriage means being together no matter what the situation. She needs to give up her fairytale wedding dream and come back to reality.

Post # 13
108 posts
Blushing bee

I agree totally with @daydreamwanderer. I know the wedding planning industry is huge, but honestly, the whole industry tells you what you want and makes you believe you need, when in reality – all you need is one another and someone to make you legal (a ring doesn’t hurt either) And yes, it is “your special day” and it’s hard to compromise, but the age old question remains: do you want a marriage, or a wedding?

I can genuinely say, my big dreams of sparkly diamonds and getting married in a century hotel did not come true, but you know what? IN MY OPINION all of those things are wasteful expenses. I married my husband, not a 2 carat diamond, and getting married in a castle sure as hell doesn’t make my marriage any better.

Post # 14
3866 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I’m another who agrees with daydreamwanderer. 

My only other suggestion would be couples/marriage counceling. 

There are A LOT of people who have an even SMALLER budget than 10 grand to throw towards a wedding.  Myself and my Fiance included.  Ours sits at a max of 3500 and we’re hoping to not even spend THAT much. 

You two really need to sit down and discuss the finanances and what’s going on with her thoughts towards the wedding.  If this keeps up, talk to her about going to counceling.  An objective non-partial 3rd party might just be what she needs to pull her back down to earth with feet planted firmly in reality.

hope you two get this smoothed out soon!!!! 

Post # 15
1045 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Wow… I don’t want to sound harsh or judgmental, but your intended sounds like a spoiled, immature brat. Wedding planning is “no fun” anymore, because she can’t throw down more than $10K? She wants a fancy wedding, but she’s not planning on contributing her own money towards it? She is pouty and sulky because she’s not going to get her dream wedding? AND she has a child, and she still wants to throw down 5 figures on a one day event? Sounds to me like she is more interested in having a wedding than in getting married. Also sounds like her priorities are seriously out of whack. I don’t know what to tell you, because honestly, if this post is the entire story, I don’t know why you’re with someone like this. I would take this as a glaring warning sign and pull out now. Perhaps that will get through to her, and force her to re-evaluate what’s really important.

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